I'm Ready

Ready to...

let go of all the bullshit 2012 gave me.
learn new things.
experience new things.
make things happen and not just sit and wait.
help people.
help myself.
improve my craft.
love.
give.
share.
laugh more.
cry more.
hurt more.
discover things about life.
discover new things I can do.
learn how to actually use Photoshop.
meet new people.
say goodbye to insignificant people.
teach good things.
make more good habits.
kill bad habits.
step outside my comfort zone.
study more.
be more dedicated in everything I do.
be more passionate.
share the passion.
share the good vibes.
share more stories.
learn my limits.
be more open and be reserved at the same time.
at least try to be happy even if times get rough.

I don't want to make promises to myself anymore because I end up breaking them. So this time, I'll just go with the flow. I'll be happy with the people who make me feel happy. I'll try really hard not to let petty things get in the way. I'll try not to let people hurt me and take advantage of me.

I've been too nice this 2012. It's not that I'm going to be a bigger bitch that I naturally am next year, but I'll be stronger.

I swear, if I get the chance to have a tattoo (lol hopefully 2013 will allow me, or my mom haha), I want the saying "be strong" tattooed on my wrist. Or somewhere along my arm.

I've allowed myself to become weak and vulnerable, and it wasn't a really good experience for me. So I want a permanent reminder, that when times get hard, and I have to be strong for myself, I just have to remember what's written with permanent ink on my skin.

If not that, the verse "Mt 6:34" is really nice too. Since I'm such a paranoid/anxious little girl hahaha.

OH WELL. Random thoughts.

How about you guys? I see some people can't let go of 2012 just yet. Well, newsflash. It's just a number. January 1 isn't a special day. It's just what we call "tomorrow". Memories will remain, people will be the same, if not, changed, but that's all because of time and the things they've experienced. And most of all, we're all just a day older. Hahaha.

Don't be afraid. I'm a hypocrite right now, but fuck it. 2013 may bring more happiness, if you want happiness. It's all up to you.

And like I always say, you have a choice.

To the New Year:

I've spent most of my time thinking over the past year. That's because I had a lot of time to myself; spending nights just sitting inside my room with my yellow christmas lights on, enjoying the company of music and coffee. Earlier this year, it's been quiet.

Quiet, but, in my head, I, myself, couldn't figure out what was going on. Everything was just a blur to me, and yet they were clear. I understood everything, yet I failed to accept them. I tried to change what was happening, but I couldn't. I felt completely helpless and alone.


This year has been the most emotional one in my entire life. I mean, I haven't really experienced that much emotional turmoil as compared to someone else's life. I don't want to rub it in, but I still consider myself lucky. But you know, everyone has gone, or will go through some pretty rough shit in their lives. And let me tell you, it's hard. I don't want to say that it'll end here in 2012, but I just think that it has made its mark in my life. A pretty big, dark, black mark, to be specific.

I couldn't remember all the details because it was that painful for me. All I know is, it was scarring, frustrating, and frightening. I can't imagine myself going through that again. I literally felt like I was inside a box, kept in the cold and shadowed part of an isolated room.

People never really knew what was going on inside my head. Until now, actually. I never wanted to talk about it. Now, I can't explain it. I shut people out, I was on my own, and I didn't ask for help.

Well I'm not saying that I went crazy, but I'd have to admit, I sunk into depression. In my sister's words, I felt like my head was going to split into two. I couldn't sleep well, I didn't eat. I failed to take care of myself. Basically, I just.. (oh my god I can't believe I'm saying this out in the open) I hurt myself. And I still am, to be honest.

I felt like a lonely streetlight in the night at the corner of a dark street--taken for granted, unmaintained, and flickering. I used every bit of my fibre to try to emit the last of the light left in me.

When the time came that I realized that I have to TRY to make myself better, I started talking more. Just, words. Words helped me. Exposure to the world outside the four corners of my room helped me. I realized, I wasn't alone, and that someone else must be in deeper shit than me.

Blaming myself for everything wasn't right. At the end, I knew that I did nothing wrong. I have completely fooled myself into thinking that everything was my fault.

And that's what parents fail to do/don't even know. Dear PARENTS, FOLKS, WHATEVER, can I just ask a favor from all of you: Never ever show your kids that you guys are fighting like it's a fucking 3D movie. Never ever tell them upfront that infidelity is okay like it's the natural way of life. Never ever tell them NOT to get affected because EVERYTHING YOU GUYS DO WILL ALWAYS AFFECT US, your hopeless offspring, left to grow up with these emotional scars you gave us. I just wish ya'll blindfolded us and gave us thick-ass earmuffs before you screamed and beat each other up with hurtful words and fists. I mean, HELLOOO, we just wish that we're IMMUNE to all that shit.

Even though my parents haven't been in good terms since only God knows when, at a young age, I knew what was happening. Being silent about it kind of helped, but being face to face with the problem this year, AND BEING ALONE IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE was the cherry on top.. Well, that was just MIND BLOWING. I was like, WOW. COULD LIFE GET ANY WORSE THAN THIS HAHAHA.

Family problems will always be the #1 thing that will pull us down. It's where we grew up, it's supposed to be "home", but it's not. That being said, do you think life is still fair? No. It's sad. It's devastating. Everybody knows life isn't, and never will be fair to us poor humans. Haha. I mean, take Jesus for one. He was crucified. BAM. He was like "what the hell did I dooooo but okay, in order to save mankind, I will do this." Yes. JESUS.

When I felt a little better, that was the time I got to transfer to a different college. I felt "young, and wild and free." I know that for the past 3 months I totally felt in charge and responsible for all the fuck ups I've been doing to myself. I felt guilty, dirty, BUT I knew I was happier. Haha. Ironic, right?

Though I kind of.. No, wait. I abused my freedom; I now know the tactics in order to survive in such a liberal environment. It's like I went through a trial-and-error phase in my life, which I think I needed. More of like a process of elimination. I did the wrong things so I won't do them again and I totally went against my own unwritten principles.

You could say that I'm a "masochist". Haha. I would like first hand experience because I know that I'll appreciate the outcome even though I have to suffer the consequences of my actions. THERE.

And regarding "change", I did. I moved on. I now know how, at least a bit, how to deal with the bullshit in my life. I allow myself to get hurt, cry, sulk for a few days, and BAM, I instantly feel better. All I need is to talk and talk and talk about whatever's happening, and it's actually healthy for me.

The problem was, at first, I couldn't find the people whom I know will respect my personal thoughts, and people who will actually (at least) sympathize.

Luckily, I think I've found them. I'm still pretty scared though, knowing that I've developed trust and attachment issues. Ugh. That makes me hate myself haha.

I still have a few "left overs" from what has happened earlier this year, and I don't really know if I can let go of them, but.. I will try. And I will keep trying to look for the answers and keys to free myself from the ball and chain I'm dragging around with me as I go on with life.

I'm young and I have a lot to learn. I'm naive. But I can say that I've had a fair share of bad experiences. And like I said, I'm a masochist. So whatever life throws at me, BRING IT ON, BITCH. I want to see myself just step on them like unfinished cigarettes.

SO, 2013, whatever you have in store for me--success, failure, love, more rejection, pain, satisfaction, happiness, WHAT HAVE YOU. I will embrace everything. I will cherish life. I will live, to live, and not just to survive.

Anatomy I

Well this is something I wouldn't post on my page, but it's something I would want only a few to see. So if you read my blog, well, this is open for critiques/comments/whatever. Haha. If you even have to say anything.

Uhhh, it's awkward. They do have a bit of a sensual touch, but that's because.. I don't really know why.  But I just want to say, this is purely for art's sake. I just want to explore the human body. Sooo as usual, I will start with myself until I build more confidence. Hahaha. #thingsIdoforphotography

** click on the photos for a better view.

12:58 am

Just because that's the time I started writing this.

Most of my friends' tweets and statuses were about people who have betrayed their trust. Some of them were about being completely sad, or them not feeling the Christmas spirit at all. I can totally relate to the last one because I, myself, have tweeted something like that haha.

One of my friends even told me he was drunk. At 4:30 in the afternoon. Just because he wanted to feel happy.

I won't say things like, "what the fuck is happening to the world today?" Saying that would make me a hypocrite because I sometimes seek refuge in alcohol and smoking. Oh, vices. They're bitches. HAHA. And yes, I can say that I smoke because my whole family knows already. Which is sad because I didn't want them to know that I turn to smoking to release stress sometimes. And I know that's a totally shallow reason. Aside from the fact that the vision of smoke amuses me, and how it makes unique and intricate lines and swirls as it disperses into thin air, well, yeah. It became an outlet.

SO OKAY back to the topic.

People these days, well, people from my generation are pretty smart (well, most of us haha). We just seem stupid and foolish because we always choose to do the wrong things because we want the easy way out. It's sad.

BUT, I totally get the feeling. I just hope we can learn from whatever we're going through right now.

Come on, we know we're stronger than this. We all know we're better than this. We can do much much better.

And, regarding trust, it's easily broken. It may be mended, but it won't be as perfect and as innocent as it was when you first gave it away. Some people just make you feel like they deserve it but they end up throwing it away. And you're left there, just wondering WHYYYY. WHY DID I EASILY GIVE IT AWAY. Lol it's something like virginity, but that's a different story.

Well, those are just random thoughts during ungodly hours. HAHA not really, because my night's just starting. Loljk I've been sleeping at around 4am for like, 3 consecutive days already and I have no idea why. Most of the time I just listen to music and I don't notice the time.

You probably won't give a fuck about what I write past this point.

SO I've been really into indie stuff these days. And electronic, house, and trance. Ah. It's only now that I found music that suits my taste, thanks to one of my good friends.

I still love R&B and occasional hip hop though, but the stuff I mentioned above is still home for me <3

Music. Oh, music. It makes the world go 'round. It makes people fall in love. It connects people. It's amazing. It's like magic.

I will shut up now. Kbye.

Heartless

And there you are, happy again. Not confused, not unstable, not bothered by anything--just perfectly content with being the way you are.

Here I am; my eyes have been opened to how cruel people can truly be. To how they can manage to be incredibly insensitive to other people's feelings.

Thank you, I say.

People might've warned me about you over and over, since the beginning. But I was foolish and brave enough to just go ahead and not listen.

The thought of not having to experience what they call "pain" is sort of pointless. How can I learn?

Thank you, I say.

"I thought.."
"But.."
"What if.."

These sentences may be left unfinished. No periods, no last chapters, no ends. But then again, it's better that things turned out this way because I'm tired. I have no means to go on and hope. You didn't give me meaning. You simply.. Threw me away. I was just an experiment. A compensation, even. A simple "hi."

Time--our number one enemy, our best friend.
The lingering pain of reminiscing.
The moment of realization.
The feeling of moving forward, and forward, and forward.

Thank you, I say.

You were heartless.

But, thank you, I say to you.

Change

It's inevitable, unpredictable, and downright annoying. But let's face it. It's part of life. People change, the weather, time, everything, actually. It's something that we can live with, and sometimes take for granted, but at the same time, we don't like it.

Humans are designed to adapt to change. So why are we so scared? Can't we just accept things the way they are? More like, accept and complain about it. Yeah, that's what we do best.

Can't we think of it as an "addition" instead of a "replacement"?

Let's take autumn for example. The leaves change color. After that, it turns green again. It's merely physical change, but does the whole tree change? It doesn't. It just adds beauty to the whole tree.

Lol that was actually a stupid example. FINE. PEOPLE. PEOPLE FUCKING CHANGE. That's what I really mean. I just learned how to deal with all the bullshit in my life. I learned to move on, and I got used to the fact that my family's fucked up. I love them (except for my dad haha) but yes, we're fucked up. We ain't normal.

Define normal?
A. Parents are together, you and your siblings are happy, and you guys go out and eat dinner together. And you guys have family reunions and both sides of the family are in good terms with each other.
B. Parents are separated, but one of them still keeps in touch and supports you guys, and the rest of your family's happy and you guys still get to eat dinner together.

And aside from my family, I just learned how to roll on with life. I'm in a completely new environment, I'm sort of on my own out here, but surprisingly, I know my limits and I don't abuse my freedom (at least I think so).

I grew up. A bit. I still have that "bunso" mentality deep inside me, but yeah. I grew up. I learned that life won't always be good to me, but at the end of the day, I know that there might be a 10% chance that I won't get to see the sun rise again. So I just try to forego all the shitty-ness, and I live on.

And if I do get another day to live, I do the same thing. Live and learn.

LIVE AND LEARN, PEOPLE. LIVE AND LEARN.

It's just that, why fuss over change. Fine, some people change, some people don't. AND LIKE I SAID, maybe it's not "change". Maybe it's just an "addition".

I admit. I did change. I felt it. My old friends noticed it.

Well you guys, I'm still me. I'm still the Junessa you know. My treatment towards you guys won't change. You guys are still my bestestststt friends and you still have my trust and loyalty. You know I love you guys D: What I'm not sure of now is, do I still have yours?

Please don't be scared. It makes me anxious. Haha. I feel as if the person I'm supposedly becoming is bad, and I feel as if I'm drifting away.

We all will eventually drift apart from each other. But that doesn't mean I will love you guys less. Life will take us to different places, with different people, with different personalities. Remember what I said? Humans are designed to adapt to certain situations. If we don't adapt, we can't live. We will remain stagnant.

This is how I live over here. Whatever I changed into (tangina parang nagiging ibang anyo ako or what haha), that's how I survive here.

Changing is living. Living means changing. And that's that.

Fine. Goodbye.

It was my fault after all. I didn't get to save what was left. I was already beginning to feel like everything was going to fall apart. Then BAM, it happened. My laptop died on me. My harddrive, to be specific. Even if you're not a photographer, you'd have a lot of shit that you'd cry over when your old laptop suddenly dies on you.

This happened to me years ago. I cried for three straight hours hahahahaha. Pictures are so sentimental to me. They just mean a lot. Even if I don't know the people in the photos, I still have a hard time letting go. My photographs are just really special to me. Every single one.

I just.. Don't know how to react to this. HAHAHA =))) Akala mo namatayan, eh 'no.

I think it's a sign that I should just start over. With everything. Again. Back to square one. Clean slate. Bleached. 99.9% no bacteria kind of clean. Ugh.

Fml.

And well, life has been fucking with me this week. So much. I'm so drained. I just want this load off my shoulders. Thank God for friends who are willing to listen, for family, and just.. For being able to write and let out feelings. Jesus.

A Fuck.

Currently in a fucked up state. So fucked up, I don't know how even more fucked up I can get. Fuck :D LOL okay I'm in school and I'm waiting for myself to get filmed for our project. Speaking of that project, it's a fucking hassle. Fuck that shit, we're gonna get a mother fucking high score on that shit. ajofhodkjfoasjklsdhfjlsdhfhslf

Hi. I don't know what to do anymore. Where do I go from here. I am so.. Well, you got it. I'm fucked up :) ajksdaklueiowadlasudklasjd

Realizations

I'm tired of everything. So tired, I feel like I'm starting to not give a fuck. I don't know if that's better or not, but I'm not usually like this. I do tend to care a lot. But now, I'm used to all the bullshit happening in my life. Haha. Try to surprise me with something new--something that would actually ruin my day, something that would actually make me laugh and gasp for air, or something that would just make me feel okay.

I want to feel.
I want to feel the surge of life in me. Anything.
I just want to wake up.

Non-stop shit happening back at home, all the drama happening here in school.. I guess I'm just learning to move on. I'll just think of it as me, finally knowing my priorities as a college student.

I just want to bury myself with schoolwork. But at the same time, I don't want to feel detached from the outside world. HAHA you wish, Junessa. True, that would be hard.

I don't know why I'm like this. My head's just clouded with a bajillion things, to the point where I don't even know where to begin anymore. Worst part is, I don't know how everything's going to end.

A couple of days ago, I completely lost myself. Maybe that's why. I don't know where to pick myself up. All I can say is, that was so not me. I did need a break, and it was fun. But still, that wasn't me.

So okay, I was just randomly typing everything when I began to realize things. There. I feel... Depressed. About myself, life, people. Ugh. I need to snap out of this. It's making me feel dead.

Attraction

A sheet of soft, red velvet is covering what seems to be a box--pleasant to touch, but the edges may cause harm.

Everything can be deceiving.

What if you give in to curiosity.
What if your eyes are actually fooling you.
What if you look underneath the sheet.

Personify that image in your head. Who do you see?

The analogy with the book is overrated.
The mirror is too much for the vain.
And the prejudice you get? It's the cherry on top.

How would you describe a person who's so hard to get a read on?
How could you tell what he's thinking?

Indeed, it's confusing. Frustrating, even.
Being clouded with these thoughts can take hours,
and hours before it clears out.
It's because you crave for an answer.

Where is it?

It's inside his head. A place where you cannot enter.

And you're left alone.
Standing in front of that box covered with a mantle of red velvet.
Attracted, curious, excited, frustrated.

Prejudiced.

The Pressure of Perfection

Isn't it annoying when people expect a lot from you? Especially when you think like you'll never be good enough. Oftentimes, you're suffocated, you're always competitive, you feel alone, and once you fuck things up, you're as good as dead.

I'm a human being who still has a lot to learn about life. I'm young. I don't want to be kept inside a cage where people can just throw rocks at me while telling me not to shout and cringe in pain. It's hard to deal with this kind pressure--the pressure of perfection.

I see life differently. I interpret things in the most colourful ways possible. I'm extra sensitive, and I think I'm turning bipolar. Don't they see it's not healthy?--to be reminded that "I'm their last chance" and "I'm their last hope"? Seriously. I'm just in college. What could happen. HAHA suuuure. But come on. I'm not that kind of person. I have morals and principles that I (so far, and will) stick to.

People make mistakes. Sure, they have bad effects, but we learn from them. They're merely temporary situations. As human beings, we are resilient. We are able to heal with time. Though time alone is tantamount to the bitter reality we have to face, it's still our choice whether to look at it from the positive or negative side.

It's what we can do to make our time useful. Like what I said waaaay back, it's what we do with the pain we feel. We always have a choice.

Yeah, I know.

"You're getting fat."

Seriously. I do not want to go back to how I was back in 2010 (more than 125 lbs.). Damn this. HAHAHA my roommate saw me while I was taking my pants off a while ago and she said, "Hey, your thighs are getting kind of big."

Fuck. =)) I already got down to 109 two months ago. And now, I feel like I'm back to 115, which is the weight where I do not want to be in because from there, I know it's going to get harder because there will be a tendency to eat more because I DO NOT FUCKING KNOW. I mean, I know how my body works. And I can sort of estimate my weight even though I don't have a weighing scale because I used to weigh a lot. Like, A LOT. When I wake up in the morning, before I sleep, after I take a dump, yeah. All the time. I know, TMI. But whatever, it's not like the whole world reads my blog. =)))

Ugh. Okay. This is it. I will go back to the way I was a few months ago starting TOMORROW, November 14, 2012. This is it, Junessa. HAHAHAHA.

I'll just lose all this fucking fat first before I hit the gym. Bleh.

Seriously, I don't even know how I got down to 109 before. Damn. I wasn't even trying. I'm not bragging, but I didn't even notice it. I already thought I was eating a lot before, but now.. I seriously feel like my skin is thicker, I feel heavier and basically, I just feel and look fat.

Logic

This is not helping.

To the people who keep giving me advice, thank you. But what I don't understand is, you guys keep telling me to do things that (supposedly) won't hurt me.

I wonder how that feels. I wonder how much hurt I can take in.

If you look at it from my perspective, your curiosity would act up real bad because you don't have "first hand experience". How would I learn if I haven't experienced it yet? I will remain oblivious to the truth. I will forever be prejudiced by my own friends'/family's opinions. How will I learn to trust my own instincts.

I know getting hurt is not exactly something to look forward to, or something I should be happy about. I just want to learn. I want to feel it for myself. Call me a sadist, but, i'd rather hurt than be numb forever.

And what happens if I get hurt for real after being sheltered from everything? Won't that be worse?

I don't fucking know. Whatever. Fuck this.

Should I keep going and find out my limits? Or should I just stop because everyone says so?

Ugh, talk about peer pressure. HAHA.

Trichotillomania

Well, it's a disease. Concerning hair. Haha. It's like the next level of hair pulling/twirling. I'm undiagnosed, but like a normal person who's concerned for her own health, I googled. =)) AND OF COURSE. All the symptoms are there. It's pretty weird.

I usually twirl and pull a section of my hair near my nape, behind my right ear. I twirl and I twirl until I feel satisfied, then I eventually pull the bunch of hair I ended up making. SUPER WEIRD. I don't know why I do it though. It's just an unconscious habit (ironically) that I do whenever I'm sitting or when I'm doing nothing. Oftentimes, my mom just pulls my hand away from my head, and that's only the time when I realize that I'm already doing it.

When that bunch of twirled hair is totally out of control, I take off my hair tie and I loosen the knots, tie my hair again and twirl again. So. Fucking. Weird. Sometimes it hurts because the knots are really tight and I end up pulling a few strands.

That's why most of the time, I prefer my hair untied in order to avoid doing that in public. Because it really is a weird sight o__o I look crazy. HAHAHA. But I end up twirling the ends of my hair just to satisfy the supposedly "unconscious" urge.

They say it's related to stress and OCD. Now that I think about it, I do think about a lot of shit which stresses the fuck out of me. Maybe that's where my over-thinking comes in. I'm not an OC person though. At least I think so. I mean, who doesn't want their things in order? :\ Of course I have to fix my shit so I know where everything is.

Sooooo yeah, I don't know why I'm writing about this. It's 1:15AM here in the Philippines. I can't sleep.  I watched a dance competition a while ago at DLSU. I miss dancing a lot even though I'm no good at it. I usually look like an awkward duck. In my perspective. Welp. Sad life.

And then I saw something I didn't like a few days ago. Hm. It's making me think twice about whatever this is. It's like, when will I ever be good enough. When will you notice me. I don't really give a flying fuck anymore, and I'm just gonna go with the wind. I guess this is better.

Friends

Sometimes we fail to realise that we're such blessed beings. I remember this one time back when I was still in elementary, my sister was the one driving the car, and I was in the passenger's seat. I looked out the window and I suddenly had this random thought: Isn't it cool that we're alive? Like, we get to breathe, think, and walk on our own two feet?

I don't know how and why I came up with that thought. But nevertheless, whenever I look back, I'm glad I thought about it because it changed me.

Well how about realising the fact that you're surrounded by amazing people who treat you like family?--people who make you feel at home, and happy, and warm.

Yesterday was just amazing. For the first time ever, in my whole, entire life, one of my classmates told me that his first impression on me was that I'm nice and I'm someone he can easily talk to and hang out with. MIND. FUCKING. BLOWN.

Let me tell you something about myself. I look like I'm always about to kill someone whenever I don't smile, or when I'm just sitting and staring off into space. HAHA well that's one way to put it. Most people think I'm such a bratty little bitch who snobs everyone she supposedly knows.  But I still think it's because of my semi-thin eyebrows.

FALSE. At least half-false. Or whatever. I'm only that bitchy when someone fucks with me.

So okay. That made my day. I mean helloooo. That was THE first time someone said that about me.

Just a little background on my next "encounter with good people":

There was one time, when me and a couple of my friends were waiting for our next class, I found out that one of them had a cold. After I gave him medicine, he was sort of blowing his nose (or idk) and I saw that his fucking booger landed on his shoulder. My reflexes kicked in, and I tapped it off his shirt. He looked at me and said, "KULANGOT KO YUN HAHAHAHA (that was my booger)" and we all laughed. HAHAHA FUCK. And I simply said, "okay lang 'yan. Kaibigan naman kita. (That's okay. At least you're my friend.)"

Okay, back to the day with many "encounters with good people":

Later that evening, my barkada (group of friends) and I decided to go out for drinks after class. I like doing that. Hanging out, chilling, being with people whom you're comfortable with. Anyway, when one of my friends was drunk, he told me that the time I took his booger off his shirt, he knew that I was a "badass" friend/good person. Like, if ever I want him to beat someone up, he'd be there right away and he'd always have my back.

Seriously. I had to stop the fucking tears from springing out of my eyes because that was just so fucking touching. You know what they say, "the most honest people are drunk ones". I mean, DAMN. People like him still exist? ANOTHER MIND-BLOWN MOMENT. And not to mention, I have my period so I'm currently suffering from PMS, which makes me extra emotional. So when he said that, it took every fibre of my being to stop myself from crying. At that moment, I just felt happy, content, and it seemed like nobody can fuck my life up anymore.

I'm a happy little girl now.

And speaking being a "little girl", guess what. I'm still the youngest in our circle of friends. HAHA FOREVER BUNSO. They were calling me "shobe" (I think it's Chinese for "little sister") while they were accompanying me back to my dorm. Haha it's a pretty cute pet name (haha dafuq), but I keep remembering SHOMBA. So, okay.

I love my friends. They're all cool beans.

Therapy

You hear people say "respect your parents" a lot. We even learned that in school as part of our Christian Living classes where we needed to memorize the Ten Commandments. What if you know it by heart, but you can't practice it?

*commence the sob story*

My father is a descendant of Satan. HAHA just kidding. Basically, he's cruel, inhumane, dirty, and greedy. He's all about having a ton of money, and having a ton of women to fuck. I mean, he's overly generous when it comes to his dick. Once you talk about money with him, he acts like he's such a poor, humble faggot.

His "being a father" logic goes like this:

Once you graduate… Bye bye.

I have no (moral) obligations concerning you after that.

If you come back begging for help from me, I will treat you as if my own blood doesn't run through your veins, and yes, for the nth time, I will not help you.

If you beg one more time, my being "merciful" will be a privilege for you but it will expire after around, let's say, one month. After that, bye bye again.

If you starve to death, it won't be my fault, and my conscience won't be affected.

Welp. That's my dad right there.

So I had a pretty normal childhood. Well, depends on how you define "normal". I didn't grow up having a dad, and that's why I respect my mom so much because she endured everything, up until now. And then he suddenly popped out of nowhere last Christmas, and I had a fucked up brain since then to the point that my mom thought I was possessed, and my sisters thought I needed "help" due to the mental breakdown I had a couple of months back.

At first I couldn't handle the pressure of him being there--so close. I mean, after almost.. Idk, 10923918237 years without him BOOM, HELLO I'M HERE. I just got caught off guard. Eventually, I learned how to be passive. I'm not saying I'm completely "there" yet. I get affected every once in a while, but that's because I care.

That's it. I care about this family, and how we can survive without him. The feeling of being free from his hands and not relying on HIS money to live, will be the ultimate revenge we can have on him.

Our family can still be called a family even without him. Like I said, if he died, we'd even throw a party (and everyone's invited hahaha). Although I sometimes envy some of my friends who have no issues with their parents. Especially with their fathers.

You have no idea how lucky you are if you and your whole family can…

… go out and have worry-less fun.

… talk about anything without ending up having a lecture or even a fight.

… just be together, eat dinner, and watch TV.

… be normal.

How I wish for normalcy. But I guess, this is the norm. People just don't think right these days. They all get their judgements wrong. Admit it though, sometimes, it's hard to tell what's right from what's wrong. Bad things are disguised in pretty things we perceive as "good". Like sex. Loljk. But srsly.

I just hope we can get through this. I hope we can be strong enough despite the future lawsuits we'll eventually have to face. I think. Haha.

For now, I'm just trying to distract myself. The one and ONLY thing I liked about the piles of shit my dad told me a few days ago, is how he emphasised the fact that I shouldn't go home for a while (because I live in a dorm right now for college) because things are going cray over there.

OKAY THEN HAHAHA I'll just go and have the time of my life studying here. And yes, I do care about studying. And occasional drinking. And friends.

This is where I feel normal--here in Manila. This is my new home. Though I do get anxiety attacks (loljk) due to over thinking about what's happening back at my real home (QC) and it's kind of hard to talk to people about this without them thinking I'm an attention whore or if I should just stfu. Well, that's why I write instead.

I still feel pretty paranoid about reverting to my old self, and how I dealt with past issues (which is one big, fucked up blur). But I'm trying to help myself get better as well.

Here's to kids with fucked up families, but who do care about it.

During the (almost) 7 years I've been doing photography, I thought my work was becoming shallow because I just keep taking pictures of myself. But when I look back on the reasons why I take those pictures, I realized that I use photography as my outlet for some emotions that I don't know how to handle. It became another language which only I can understand. For most people, they only think of it as vanity. For me, those are memories which are documented. I guess that's why my photographs are very personal and close to me.

Last summer, I began to cater to a larger crowed. I started getting more clients through the group I'm in called Pipe Dreams. We've had a couple of our friends patronizing our small business, and that made us believe that we can really do this. We can be part of "the industry". We even had our 15 minutes of fame on twitter, even for a couple of hours. "Pipe Dreams" was on the trending list on twitter last June (I think).

Majority of our clients (lol don't worry I won't mention names) consisted of girls who went through heartbreaks. They wanted to feel beautiful again after those nights of tears that never seemed to end, and heavy hearts that felt like stones were inside their chests. They wanted to breathe again after being choked by the pain of being in love.

Girls will always be girls. No matter what you say, we will always want to save our dignity as women. Like men and their egos. Loljk. For us, it's a bit different. Some people may say that these days, it's pretty common for girls to be the ones to chase after boys. So now what. Chivalry is dead? Where the fuck are chivalrous men? Dead. Loljk. I keep saying LOLJK. Loljk.

I still believe in traditions. You know, where guys will be the ones who will desperately chase after girls, and where they'll treat girls like princesses. Do guys like that still exist? When will boys (yes, boys, because there's a difference between boys and men) stop playing around and just go for the girl who they want?

Just food for thought. A lot of my friends have been telling me that I should know my worth as a girl. I realized that I was too easy. I give in all the time--to my feelings, and to the slightest signs of affection. This is one of the times where I wish that my "love life" was like a Korean drama where simple touches mean a lot. Relationships give enough headaches. What more if you don't even have a relationship yet, and you keep making guesses. For girls like me, good luck to us. Stay strong. Hang in there. If that boy really likes you, in time, he'll make his move. HAHAHA yeah.

Superficial

I arrived just in time for my 2:45pm class, if not, maybe I was a few minutes late. Our professor wasn't there yet so okay, I'm safe. Haha actually she doesn't even check the attendance, but I'm pretty anal about being present in all of my classes. After all, what's the point of going to school if you're not going to attend your classes. #petpeeve

Well anyway, that's not what I want to talk about. When I sat down in one of the chairs in the first row, a couple of my guy classmates were fussing over something on Facebook beside me. When I checked to see what it was, they were looking at the profiles of girls whom they supposedly know.

What ticked me off was how they talked about those girls in such a superficial manner. I heard comments like "di naman siya maganda eh (she's not even beautiful)" and "okay lang.. pwede na (she's okay..)" and other pretty degrading stuff. They were sort of looking for prospective girlfriends or something. (Hell, if they knew you talked about women in that manner, wow, good luck in getting girlfriends.)

I'm not a feminist, but being a fellow woman, I got offended for those ladies who didn't know shit about what those guys were saying about them. I mean, I know it's none of my business because I was only eavesdropping, but it makes me wonder how guys see us girls. Sure, call me a hypocrite. I judge men on their appearance too, but that doesn't mean they can get "crossed out of my list".

Maybe it comes with age. Being superficial is such a shallow basis for someone to fall in love. It always will be. I admit, I get crushes on some guys because they're cute or they have a nice physique. It still boils down to the guy's personality.

No wonder some girls get so body-conscious these days. No wonder some girls think they're not enough. No wonder us women feel incredibly insecure about our appearances.

Do we live to be beautiful for just you guys? Do we simply live to be loved? Are we just there for you when you feel like it? Are we here so that you won't feel alone/unloved? What the fuck are we then? Objects? Things? Toys?  Wow.

Fuck that. We are women. We have to be treated with utmost respect because SOMEDAY, we will be the ones who will be carrying the fruit of your fucking seed, and we'll be the ones who will have to go through the pain to get that fucking tree out of our vaginas.

It's not that I'm saying that men will forever be under our power. But if you guys treat us right, you will be rewarded. Seriously. We will love you 10 times back. Because we're women -__- WOMEN.

(Almost done with the rant, don't worry.) It's such a big turn-off. Even if you're one of my friends, and I hear you talking about a girl like that, I'd be scared because who knows what you guys think of me.

Then again, like I always tell myself, "There's no reason to wear make up. Why? You're not here to pick up a boyfriend. You're here for one thing, and one thing only. Your education."

Please, Junessa. Hahaha stop lying to yourself. You've got one extra eye open for that.

True. Haha I'm not going to lie. Basically, I just don't want distractions. I have goals. Plans. Expectations to meet. I want a future. But if my future boyfriend will be good to me, and he won't be a bad influence or whatnot, well.. Hahaha exceptions can be made.

Well, to my future boyfriend:
I hope you will be my first and my last.
I hope we won't ever outgrow each other.
I hope we'd always bring out the best in each other.
I hope you will love my past and my present as much as I will love yours.
I hope you will respect me and my decisions.
I hope for us to become best friends.

Hala, wedding vows? Hahaha. But seriously. I beg of you to treat me right. Treat me like a queen, and you'll forever be my king. WAAAAAT HAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK.

These cheesy lines are like word vomit to me, so I apologize for that.

Welp, I'm watching tonight's Philippine Fashion Week show. I'll be leaving in a few

In Favor of Silence

I'm a person who appreciates silence, occasional isolation, and thinking. A lot. You may find me staring off into space from time to time, but that's because I'm pondering on something, or.. Maybe I slept at around 4am the "night" before.

Thinking makes me feel alive. It makes me feel more human. It's one of the things I appreciate and hate about myself because thinking leads to over thinking. It makes me assume the future, so eventually, I scare myself about what hasn't even happened yet.

To think about thinking. That's new. Right now, my thoughts about it are all jumbled because I have so much to say about it.

I may be one of the girls you know who randomly makes weird noises, the one who's hyperactive, and the one who's always happy. I'm not saying that I'm faking who I really am, but there's a whoooole different side that I don't normally show to people. Sometimes I creep myself out because one moment I'm being totally serious then the next thing I know, I'm laughing so hard about something shallow.

Just a random thought.

Of familiarity, curiosity, and misunderstandings.

It's rare to find people whom you can have a substantial conversation with. I mean, I know a select few, but they're the people whom I've already known for so long. So they already know how my brain works.

But to find someone new, someone who doesn't know me as well, is kind of hard. I'd have to risk being thought of as someone who thinks so highly of herself, as someone who thinks she's a "smartass", and the like.

Where is this one person whom I can share thoughts about life with. Okay alam ko ang emo and ang cheesy. But seriously. Aren't we all looking for someone like this? Actually, we don't always have to talk about things that make sense. I'm looking for someone who can balance things out. Someone who can accept my weirdness and all the hang-ups in my life. I just need that one person who will be there.

Wait, no. I'm not "looking", I'm waiting. Even though I try so hard to distract myself from this thought, I can't help it. I'm at this point where my eyes are on the look out for someone.

Naks, nagdadalaga na. EMO. Landi. Haba ng hair.

Lahat na lang. Eh walang basagan ng trip. Come on, this is the first time I'm proclaiming to the world that I'm like this. Yes, there's another, softer side to me.

I'm not writing this to "pick up guys" or whatever. It's just something I need to let out in the form of typewritten words. It's something I can ponder on even more because it's different when I say it out loud. This is semi-spontaneous, something I can press the backspace on. If I were to say this in person, it wouldn't be as proper/formal.

Why? Because this is something I take seriously. I'm a sensitive person. I'm sure everyone is, but only to some extent. We all have our limits. But one thing I hate about myself, is how easily I fall for/like someone who immediately shows attention to me.

Sometimes I just want to jump off a cliff just so I could get a grip. Like, I just need one hard slap on the face to wake up. Right now, I don't really want to think about what if's and why's and how's, but it tortures me that I'm an over-thinker.

Then again, we're all scared animals here. In one loud gunshot, we get caught off our guards, freeze, and run away. We're HUMAN. We get hurt, we live on, we get hurt again, we become happy, and it's one big "HURT" cycle. Why? It's proof that we're living. It's one of the most bitter, yet fair slaps on our faces that we are still able to breathe, walk and talk.

Cliche, but if you fall, you stand up again. THAT'S LIFE. It's the norm. It's still inside "the box" which we've all been mentally constraining ourselves in. So why are we so scared to feel this way?

Someone told me that I'm too in love with the thought of being in love. Maybe. But love is beautiful. I haven't experienced it, but I just think it is. I think it's the ultimate test for us humans to see how hard we'd all work to save something we need/desperately want.

This is officially THE most cheesy thing I have ever written, in my whole fucking life. Hahaha whatever.

Well, I'm actually writing this during my CSB Life class. Aaaand it's almost over so okay.

Cigarette

His usual routine:

Open the window, check to see if anyone can see him from below, and then he lights his cigarette. This man may seem shady, but all he wanted was some time to get away and breathe. Ironic, but it was the only way.

A puff of smoke clouds his vision and he closes his eyes as he inhales the rest of it deep in his lungs. Ah, yes. It's the feeling that tranquilizes his nerves. He opens his eyes and looks at the view.

What view? His apartment is right beside this big, boring white building that seemed to never end. How attractive. But being in this state, he has no other choice but to soak in the cracks and the dirty rain marks on the building's facade. He's learning how to see details and how to make them seem like the bigger deal in what people thought of as an ugly sight.

He likes that feeling--knowing that he's the only one who could see that. But he did wish to share it with someone because he knew there was more to the view outside his window.

He thought, if people just stuck their heads out of the window far enough, they'd see a piece of his city's skyline, and just a glimpse of the warm orange sky that slowly faded into what seemed like a deep blue ocean.

He has so many ideas, but feels powerless and inadequate to execute them.
He has so much to offer, but it wasn't his time to share them.

He feels that satisfaction of being able to ponder on things that matter even for just two minutes. All it took was that little time to breathe, a cigarette, and that split second 'til the smoke dissipates into the air. In this fast-paced world, he wishes people would stop and do the same.


Now, what do you think of this man? First impressions can't always last.

Oh, People.

You know, some of them just don't understand what you're going through. So just stop wasting your time trying to explain to them whatever it is you want them to understand. You'll end up getting even more pissed off.

To the dude who thinks he's cool for showing me something that reminded me of my past, of that thing that hurt me the most, and of that time where I thought I hit rock bottom: Fuck. You. You don't know how much it hurts me that you can take that so lightly when even the thought of hurting myself makes me feel like dying. And you think that's a laughing matter? Wow.

Give that douche bag a round of applause.

And to the guy who barely knows me and keeps assuming my feelings: Fuck you too. Just stay away from me and grow some balls. No wait, in Betty White's words "GROW A VAGINA." At this point, the way a woman's mind works will REMAIN a mystery to you. Good luck.

WHY. Why do people like that live in this world? WAHAHA just kidding. If they didn't, I wouldn't even be able to think and learn about things like RESPECT, EMPATHY, COMPASSION, and CONCERN for fellow human beings who are going through tough times.

.__.

Junessa for president. Woo.

It's surprising I haven't screamed rainbows of cusses at their faces.

Well, FUCK IT.

Being a kid born in the 90's, I prefer celebrating my birthday with people. Not with some random expensive gadget thrown at me just because I want it. Sure, thanks, I do want a new Mac Book Pro, but.. I'd rather have the people I love, with even just a cupcake with one tiny candle stuck in it, be in front of me instead of a laptop screen. Okay fine, asking for the cupcake is too much. So I'd just have the people. Or if they can just mail a cupcake to me, that's fine too.

Wow, it's like I'm living somewhere far from the Philippines hahaha KAINIS.

The point is, I don't care if I get a new fucking laptop. I don't want it. It's been imprinted on my brain na hanggang pangarap na lang ang Mac Book Pro sa akin. So, talaga namang hindi ko na siya inaasahan. I can make-do with this netbook of mine (that I want to throw off a cliff). But, I'm a sentimental person. I believe in traditions.

To whoever read my blog about debuts, I now know what I finally want for my birthday.

Do I seem bratty? Just because I said "I DON'T WANT A NEW LAPTOP FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!" when they're freely giving it to me? Let me rephrase that. I don't want it, but if you're going to give it to me, thank you.

It's just that, I don't want a laptop to replace people. I'm already alone enough over here.

SO when my mom asked me if it was okay if we just don't celebrate my birthday, and she'll just give me a laptop instead, I was like... o__o I don't know. Whatever you want. I never really asked for something extravagant to happen during my birthday.

I just want to be with my family in the most hassle-free way possible, without spending a fuck load of cash, without me being the total center of attention, without drama, without her getting mad just because I didn't get to go to mass at 7 in the morning because it was my birthday, without her nagging me about Catholicism and how we should put God first before everything, without her getting EVEN MORE angry BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW ALL OF THAT.

Now that I think about it, I can predict what's going to happen during my 18th birthday. Lol. Mom's gonna get mad at me. What a surprise.

And now I know that's going to happen, I don't want to celebrate at all.

IT'S A FUCKING CYCLE.

I lived my whole life just following what mom says. So okay. Laptop it is. And I'm not allowed to show emotion to her because if I do, things will just get worse. Or I can be an actress now because I know how to play the psychotic kid, the silent one, the emotional daughter, and the "fake a smile but deep down I'm really fucked up" role.

That Language Barrier

I've been living here at the dorm for three weeks. I have nice roommates but.. one of them is testing my patience. Well, it's true that "we can't have it all". But seriously. o__o

Let's call her "Ling". Ling's really nice and all. She's the motherly type (she is actually a mom of two kids, but they're back in China), but sometimes, she gets pretty annoying.

What bugs me the most is..
SHE'S NOT EVEN MY MOM AND SHE'S. FUCKING. NOSY.
Of course my real mom is having a blast knowing the fact that someone's sticking their fingers into my own personal business.

It's only been three weeks and I feel like Ling is getting too comfortable around me. I'm very territorial, so when someone steps into my personal space, I get pissed off easily. I mean, sure, no one would want to get their spaces invaded, but it's different for me. I literally can't stand it.

Same goes for when my mom or my sister wants to sleep on my already-small bed, WITH ME already in it. o__o They get angry because I get annoyed because the space is just enough for one person. It's a sweet thought, thinking that my mom/sister wants to sleep in the same bed with me, but.. The space. THE SPACE. If my bed was a king sized one, LET'S HAVE A FUCKING PARTY ON IT. SURE, INVITE EVERYONE. But my bed (back in QC) is literally for dwarfs. Or at least for stick-thin people who definitely won't fall off no matter what they do.

So okay, I'll be really honest. I hope whoever reads this will respect my "personal preferences".

1. I don't like people invading my personal space.
2. I don't want anyone asking me who I just spoke with right after I put the phone down because I swear, I'd snap at you and ask "WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CARE? IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. FUCK OFF."

FYI, Ling does #2. She does it all the fucking time. I want to break our windows with my own head because it pisses me off so much.

3. Ask me where I'm going? ARE YOU MY MOTHER?
4. Ask me WHY I'm wearing what I'm wearing? Just. Don't.
5. Ask me why I don't like the things I've mentioned? Get out of here before I break windows with your head.

In case you haven't noticed, I do have a tendency to talk in a really violent manner, but that's because as I write, I imagine how I would say and do these things in real life, even though I definitely can't do them. Do you get it? :\

So right now, you're reading real thoughts that aren't sugar-coated. This is THE SHIT that comes from my fucking brain.

ALRIGHT. Back to Ling.

Me and my other roommate share the same thoughts about her. We're can be saints now because we're so nice to her. But of course we can't because, well.. We're backstabbing her.

We don't know what to do. But for now, we're just trying to understand her.

Wish us luck .__.

October

Wow. Time flies. Only 3 months before Christmas. And a few weeks before my birthday.

Honestly, I don't even feel like celebrating my birthday. I don't know why, but yeah. I just don't.

I guess it's because I know i'll be at the dorm, away from my family and friends on the day of my birthday. Or maybe it's because I'm getting old. HAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK. :))

I'm only turning 18. People think it's some kind of a special age to turn into. They spend thousands just to celebrate it. I just think it's not anything special. And besides, I don't like being the center of attention. You know, with the sparkly dress, the guests I invited who aren't enjoying because I won't even get to entertain them all, I mean.. What's the point?

Not hating on traditional debutantes, but.. It's just not my thing, I guess. I've had a number of weird and awkward birthday celebrations. And now that I'm turning 18, everybody suddenly jumps up and goes crazy because "I'm turning 18"? I don't get it.

Birthday celebrations should be as fun and as special as debuts. Bakit ngayon lang?

Haha fuck this. I remember one of my birthday celebrations from when I was still in grade school. My mom invited my dad. Like, what the fuck. Seriously? Hahaha

Aaaaand idk. I'm just not in a happy disposition nor am I in the mood for celebrations. If it's some other person's birthday, sure, I'd be glad, but for my own? Idk. I just don't feel worthy of an extravagant (or at least something we don't usually do) celebration.

My mom's going cray trying to fish something out of me the other night. She kept asking me what I wanted for my birthday. So I asked myself: what did i fucking want?

I don't want them to spend large sums of money on me. I've already been such a burden to them, being the spoiled bunso and all. So, I just don't want them to go (even more) all out just because I'm turning 18.

I just don't deserve any of it.
I don't feel happy right now.
I don't want anything.
I don't know what i want.
I just don't know anymore.

See? Full of I's. I'm so selfish and self-centered. When will I stop and just fucking learn and grow up.

18. What's so special about that? It will pass. It always does.

I almost smoked weed on my first day in college.

LOL. Did that scare you? Or did you actually think i'd do it?

I mean, it's just weed and I'd only get high, have brain damage, and possibly give in to sex, but it's still marijuana and it's illegal. HAHA.

How did I get into that situation?
Well, this bitch (former roommate of my current roommates) who I didn't know barged inside our room here in the dorm and asked if I wanted to go with them to some place. It was really boring in the dorm and I was alone so I agreed to go with her. Stupid me.

Boom. I'm not going to mention the name of the place, but the people there.. DAFUQ. Tangina magkakalapit lang kayo, DI NIYO KAILANGAN SUMIGAW =)) Everybody was "feeling cool" and apparently, all of the people there know "everybody who's somebody".

Imagine a scene from a movie where there's a party in a frat house. People were making out on every single surface they see, beer, kissing, screaming curses, more beer, more kissing.. Yadda yadda. It's all so.. American but in a more "pussy shit" sense because, well, we're not American, nor are we in America.

SO BASICALLY, it's not my scene, and it's not my idea of "fun". I mean, I was just standing there being my silent self, saying hi to anyone they introduce to me.

AFTER THAT hell hole I was in for more than an hour, we finally went back to the dorm. We hung out at that bitch's room for a while and let me tell you, listening to their conversations made my brain cells deplete a bajillion times faster than me doing absolutely nothing for the past few months before school started.

Disclaimer: I am not exaggerating in any way. This is the only conversaton I remembered because it was THE MOST fucking pointless thing i've ever heard in my whole life. It was worse than my dad asking me why I want to eat fruits.

Sample Conversation: (please imagine a high-pitched slutty conyo-bitch voice)
Girl 1: OH MY GOD HAHAHAHA I MADE KWENTO TO *THIS GUY* THEN I WAS LIKE OMGGG!!! *insert stupid face here*
Girl 2: OMG HAHA THEN WHAT DID HE SAY?!
G1: HE LIKE UM.. HE MADE-GAYA ME THEN HE WAS LIKE OMGGG TOO!!
G2: OMGGG!!! HAHAHAHAAH

Then they asked me "do you smoke?"

I was like.. DING DING DING. Okay I know where the fuck this is going haha I'm not stupid.

She rang someone up (a guy) and spoke Ilonggo, which I understood pretty well.
"Meron ka pa jan?"
"Pahingi. Meet tayo sa 7th floor elevator." (because boys aren't allowed to go to where the girls are here in the dorm)

HAHAHA SHADY AS FUCK. NOBODY WILL THINK YOU BITCHES ARE UP TO SOMETHING. NOBODY. REALLY. YOU CAN'T FOOL ANYBODY. NOT EVEN GOD. REALLY. NO.

I'm not one to give in to peer pressure, so I thought of a really lame plan to get out of there.

When we were about to pick up "that something", I stayed inside the elevator and told them I was going to sleep, and pressed "3" (because I was in the 3rd floor).

PEOPLE OF THE UNIVERSE. THIS HAPPENED AT AROUND 9:30 PM.

YA'LL KNOW I'M TALKING SOME REAL REAL BIG-ASS BULLSHIT HERE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAAAAAY.
Well that was an eventful night, eh?

These bitches won't get off my ass though. As in, they're all clingy and shit and I just want to slap their fucking faces so hard, their heads will make a faster revolution than Mercury.

Am I a nerd or what? :D Just kidding. I'm not a nerd.

Lame, lame, lame.

Please bear with me because.. I don't know what to do or how to avoid them. Apparently, if I act like a total bitch, THEY'RE ATTRACTED TO THAT. THEY THINK I'M COOL ENOUGH TO SMOKE WEED WITH THEM. Please help me. HAHAHA. I've encountered people like them before, and I don't want to go back to my "dark days" which aren't as dark compared to some people, but I changed a lot during that period in my life, so.. I don't want that to happen to me again.

What the fuck is happening to humanity ;___;

Just a quick thought before I go upstairs to sleep.

To sum it all up, when I think about all the things that happened in the last 5 months of my non-productive life, I was so unhappy.

I'm not sure if I even sunk into depression.

There were times when I took it all out on myself, thinking that everything was my fault, thinking I had to fix everything, thinking everything was all on me.

Up to now, I'm still pretty affected. But one thing's for sure, I'm afraid to go back to the way I was a few months ago.

I hope being here (in the dorm), and being in college (in general) would help me cope with this "situation".

Maybe I'm still being pretty selfish because all I ever worried about was how I thought I should be the one who needs to fix things. Is that "selfish"?

I don't know.

I do tend to over-analyze things, so.. Yeah.

It's kind of hard to be here though, because I can't talk to anyone who "knows" what's happening. The 3-minute phone calls are too much of a hassle, cellphone bills get pretty nasty, and the internet likes being bipolar as well.

It's all so foreign. I'm still adjusting.

P.S. The environment here is making my skin break out T__T UHUHUHUHU IT'S SO ANNOYING.

Opposites

                    ___________________________________________________________

The night becomes her disguise. It becomes a part of her.
She becomes a shadow that nobody can see.

It is a blanket that covers and protects her.
It is where she hides and becomes a different person.

At night, when no light is present, she is stronger, but completely helpless at the same time.
For that time, is the only time she gives in, and allows the darkness to swallow her.

She is brave, but frightened.
Honest, but full of lies.
Conscious, but totally oblivious to the truth.

She fears what she has become, but proud that she has come this far.
"This is a new person," she says, "but it's still me, and I'm still alive."

"Hello," says a voice.

"You are not me, but I, am you."

___________________________________________________________

My cheesy goals once school starts (for me)

Being the only one who isn't attending school at the moment, I spend most of my time at home, on the internet, doing nothing.

So yeah, everyone knows how my life goes by every second of every day through my Facebook statuses, or my occasional tweets.

A lot of people (actually just two of my friends) asked me why I haven't been blogging lately. Well, blogging is something that I only do when I'm "inspired". Just like art. But it just so happens, that 5 minutes ago, I thought of something I could write about.

My cheesy goals once school starts (for me):

1. Save more money: Being the "gastadora" that I am, this is very hard. VERY. Hard. When I say "very hard", it just is. I'm sure it's hard for everyone, but for me.. It's just very hard. Yeah I know I've said that only a bajillion times but it really is.

2. Shoot more in film: This pretty much opposes my first goal because shooting in film means more expenses in developing and buying more film. But, who could resist? Film is beautiful.

3. Get my hair colored: In pink. Just an ombre for now, but.. I really wanna get my whole head colored (even my face loljk corny). This goes against my first goal as well, but.. Like I said, I'm a "gastadora". At least I save up for my own shit -__- Lol I don't really like asking money from my folks unless I really need it for school and I'm bat-shit broke.

4. Remind myself to save more money: Just because.

5. Be more passionate: towards everything I do. If there's no passion, there's no motivation. Hence, I will fail in life and I will end up becoming that stripper who makes friendship bracelets.

6. Lessen the BV (Bitch Vibes): Because I will never get any friends if I keep acting like the bitch that I really am. Well, I'm not saying I should stop being myself, but.. Who the fuck would like a person who's a total bitch 24/7? ACTUALLY, I'm not a 24/7-bitch but.. I can be. Oh look, there she is.

*Clarification to goal #6: I just have to tolerate annoying and stupid people more. It's inevitable to not come across people whose personalities I don't like/don't mesh well with, so.. I just have to act more cool and calm. Yes. But when the situation calls for the "BV", I'd be happy to unleash it.

7. Smile more: As my mom would always tell me, "ang taray ng itsura mo." I still don't get this because if there's no reason to smile, why would I? I don't want to look like a nut head. Nevertheless, I will try.

8. Concentrate: As you all know (not that I'm assuming that ya'll know who I am), I've graduated from an all-girls high school and I've attended a year in an all-girls college too. I'm pretty much oblivious to the feeling of seeing boys every day. So I think this goal (or rather, an obligation) is needed. BUT it's not like you have to tie me to a post to prevent me from jumping on some random guy, but, you get my point. Hopefully. I'm not that desperate ;__;

9. "Study hard, party harder": True. I doubt the partying part though, because I'm not really a fan of getting drunk in "foreign" places.

10. Don't forget where you came from: College opens new doors. You meet new people who come from different places, and people who just happen to know "everybody". I don't want to assume my future because that might totally jinx everything, but let's say I do meet someone who opens "the door to my future". It's not really a goal, but I promise to stay humble and remember where I came from. Lol I'm not going to be like a total bitch-snob who acts all high and mighty after getting the spotlight. Nor am I going to be that sad excuse for a friend who completely forgets the existence of her old, and truer mates back in high school.

So, yeah. As shallow as those goals may be, they mean a lot to me. I'm not going to be someone else once I "officially" start college. I'm going to be someone who I truly am. No more bullshit, just me.

All of the shit I went through just to get into universities have finally paid off. Things do happen for a reason. It's too soon to tell because I haven't even started, but, I feel like I'm going to have a more positive outlook in life. Lol. Hangdrama lang.

Despite the MRT/LRT life I have to face soon, which, I might add, IS A COMPLETE BITCH, I am still grateful for that because I can have a sense of independence, though it can be a little life-threatening.

Here's to a fresh start.

PS: Pustahan tayo, someone's going to piss me off during the first day of the 2nd trimester.

Thank You.

First of all, I know I'm not some Canon Ambassador, nor am I someone as famous and as amazingly talented as Tricia Gosingtian. But I want to thank everyone who has supported me in my "journey" as a pro photographer. I mean, knowing that people actually look forward to seeing my photos, and that I have the ability to inspire people through my photographs is really a priceless thing. It makes me so happy and proud (well, not in the bad, pompous way) of myself that I have come so far.

Thank you.

AND SINCE YA'LL HAVE SUPPORTED ME SO MUCH, a photo I took for Bagellia Filipinas' Philippine Star feature (online article) has been printed on today's paper (July 22, 2012)! Best part? MY. FULL. NAME. IS THERE. <3 HAHAHA

I'd like to say thank you to Ate Hiyasmin Neri and Ate Kim Castillo for believing in me, and for choosing me to take their photos for this feature! This milestone (yes, milestone) wouldn't even be possible without them.

And thank you to everyone else, to whoever is reading this, and to those people who actually liked my page in facebook. Really, you guys have helped me push myself and break the boundaries that have been keeping me from achieving my goals as a photographer.

I know this article will keep on motivating me in my future career as a professional photographer. Slowly, but surely, someday I can make people believe that photography is not merely a "hobby", but it can be a living, and that ART itself, can put food on someone's table.

I can't really put into words how happy I am. I've been smiling like an idiot since this morning. Well, my mom almost cried when I told her that the article was out. Hahaha. But yes, I am so so so happy and grateful. I love what I do soo much, and I do hope I can go places.

Thank you so much.

[photos] Lights

*click on photos to see them bigger*

I've always wanted to take a portrait with my christmas lights.
The highlights are lovely <3

Square crop? Lol inspired by Instagram haha.
And also because it had too much negative space on the right.

Fan page!

Have you ever felt like this?

yep.

You know, you just lie down on your bed and you stare up at the ceiling, and your mind's totally blank. All because you're just tired. Period.

Yeah, I just wanted to say that.






Click here to see a bigger version of the photo!