To the New Year:

I've spent most of my time thinking over the past year. That's because I had a lot of time to myself; spending nights just sitting inside my room with my yellow christmas lights on, enjoying the company of music and coffee. Earlier this year, it's been quiet.

Quiet, but, in my head, I, myself, couldn't figure out what was going on. Everything was just a blur to me, and yet they were clear. I understood everything, yet I failed to accept them. I tried to change what was happening, but I couldn't. I felt completely helpless and alone.


This year has been the most emotional one in my entire life. I mean, I haven't really experienced that much emotional turmoil as compared to someone else's life. I don't want to rub it in, but I still consider myself lucky. But you know, everyone has gone, or will go through some pretty rough shit in their lives. And let me tell you, it's hard. I don't want to say that it'll end here in 2012, but I just think that it has made its mark in my life. A pretty big, dark, black mark, to be specific.

I couldn't remember all the details because it was that painful for me. All I know is, it was scarring, frustrating, and frightening. I can't imagine myself going through that again. I literally felt like I was inside a box, kept in the cold and shadowed part of an isolated room.

People never really knew what was going on inside my head. Until now, actually. I never wanted to talk about it. Now, I can't explain it. I shut people out, I was on my own, and I didn't ask for help.

Well I'm not saying that I went crazy, but I'd have to admit, I sunk into depression. In my sister's words, I felt like my head was going to split into two. I couldn't sleep well, I didn't eat. I failed to take care of myself. Basically, I just.. (oh my god I can't believe I'm saying this out in the open) I hurt myself. And I still am, to be honest.

I felt like a lonely streetlight in the night at the corner of a dark street--taken for granted, unmaintained, and flickering. I used every bit of my fibre to try to emit the last of the light left in me.

When the time came that I realized that I have to TRY to make myself better, I started talking more. Just, words. Words helped me. Exposure to the world outside the four corners of my room helped me. I realized, I wasn't alone, and that someone else must be in deeper shit than me.

Blaming myself for everything wasn't right. At the end, I knew that I did nothing wrong. I have completely fooled myself into thinking that everything was my fault.

And that's what parents fail to do/don't even know. Dear PARENTS, FOLKS, WHATEVER, can I just ask a favor from all of you: Never ever show your kids that you guys are fighting like it's a fucking 3D movie. Never ever tell them upfront that infidelity is okay like it's the natural way of life. Never ever tell them NOT to get affected because EVERYTHING YOU GUYS DO WILL ALWAYS AFFECT US, your hopeless offspring, left to grow up with these emotional scars you gave us. I just wish ya'll blindfolded us and gave us thick-ass earmuffs before you screamed and beat each other up with hurtful words and fists. I mean, HELLOOO, we just wish that we're IMMUNE to all that shit.

Even though my parents haven't been in good terms since only God knows when, at a young age, I knew what was happening. Being silent about it kind of helped, but being face to face with the problem this year, AND BEING ALONE IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE was the cherry on top.. Well, that was just MIND BLOWING. I was like, WOW. COULD LIFE GET ANY WORSE THAN THIS HAHAHA.

Family problems will always be the #1 thing that will pull us down. It's where we grew up, it's supposed to be "home", but it's not. That being said, do you think life is still fair? No. It's sad. It's devastating. Everybody knows life isn't, and never will be fair to us poor humans. Haha. I mean, take Jesus for one. He was crucified. BAM. He was like "what the hell did I dooooo but okay, in order to save mankind, I will do this." Yes. JESUS.

When I felt a little better, that was the time I got to transfer to a different college. I felt "young, and wild and free." I know that for the past 3 months I totally felt in charge and responsible for all the fuck ups I've been doing to myself. I felt guilty, dirty, BUT I knew I was happier. Haha. Ironic, right?

Though I kind of.. No, wait. I abused my freedom; I now know the tactics in order to survive in such a liberal environment. It's like I went through a trial-and-error phase in my life, which I think I needed. More of like a process of elimination. I did the wrong things so I won't do them again and I totally went against my own unwritten principles.

You could say that I'm a "masochist". Haha. I would like first hand experience because I know that I'll appreciate the outcome even though I have to suffer the consequences of my actions. THERE.

And regarding "change", I did. I moved on. I now know how, at least a bit, how to deal with the bullshit in my life. I allow myself to get hurt, cry, sulk for a few days, and BAM, I instantly feel better. All I need is to talk and talk and talk about whatever's happening, and it's actually healthy for me.

The problem was, at first, I couldn't find the people whom I know will respect my personal thoughts, and people who will actually (at least) sympathize.

Luckily, I think I've found them. I'm still pretty scared though, knowing that I've developed trust and attachment issues. Ugh. That makes me hate myself haha.

I still have a few "left overs" from what has happened earlier this year, and I don't really know if I can let go of them, but.. I will try. And I will keep trying to look for the answers and keys to free myself from the ball and chain I'm dragging around with me as I go on with life.

I'm young and I have a lot to learn. I'm naive. But I can say that I've had a fair share of bad experiences. And like I said, I'm a masochist. So whatever life throws at me, BRING IT ON, BITCH. I want to see myself just step on them like unfinished cigarettes.

SO, 2013, whatever you have in store for me--success, failure, love, more rejection, pain, satisfaction, happiness, WHAT HAVE YOU. I will embrace everything. I will cherish life. I will live, to live, and not just to survive.