To my family:

Due to recent events, I did what I had to do--scream. I didn't have the words to express what I felt and I didn't want all of you to see me in that state. Being fresh from the visit, I just felt so raw. Throwing colorful cusses all over the place didn't even enter my mind. I know I've made everyone worry, knowing that I'm very "unstable". I apologize for being like this. But I hope you understand.

To be honest, I can't help but feel, in mom's words. I can't help but hurt for all of you, and feel anger towards my father. I just can't stand the fact that he treats everyone like that. I hope you understand that. I know that I shouldn't be doing this to myself, but I love you all too much.

YES, everyone, ya'll don't have to remind me that I'm not the most unluckiest person on earth (or in this family). I perfectly know that. If I act as if I'm such a victim, which you guys perceive 99% of the time, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being like this. Terribly, terribly sorry. I'm sorry to myself as well, because I know it's not healthy.

I'm sorry for shutting you all out. Maybe it was because I thought I had already given up on myself.

I just hope you guys won't judge me, and you all would accept the fact that this is an ultra-mega slow process  of recovery. Yes, there are days where I feel very hopeful, but there are also times where I get tired and everything just relapses, and I have to go back to square 1. I mean, I just wish I could wake up one day and say, "HEY, I'TS A MIRACLE. I HAVE NO WORRIES, WHATSOEVER, AND I AM HAPPY, AND I LOVE MYSELF." But.. No.

I worry for everyone, I am unhappy and anxious about the fact that I have to see dad every week, and no, I do not love myself. It's difficult to be this way. It's difficult to get out of it. But at least I know, someday I can get better.

You know, sometimes I wish that I can just pretend to be okay so all of you wouldn't have to worry about me, but i'd be digging my own grave if I start doing that. Again.

I hope all of you can understand that I'd like to recover slowly, BUT surely. I don't want to leave traces, just because everyone's in a rush for me to become normal again. And to be honest, I felt like giving up on myself before because I did feel rushed. I felt pressured, as if there was a time limit. Like, I had to conform to someone's rules again, and if I don't conform, of course, I fail. And I honestly thought I was going to.

This short summer break helped me. At least somehow, you guys have understood even just a fraction of how I see things, and how things work. Or is it just me.. I don't know, but I hope you guys understand me even just a little bit.

P.S.: Please support me in my clean eating venture. HAHA. I like eating fruits and vegetables. I am willing to eat ampalaya, but NOT okra. Too gross. I hope someday, even with my annoying schedule this term, I can cook for everyone.

I say violent no's to fast food, (unfortunately) to cake/cupcakes, to milk chocolate, noodles, anything high in sodium/carbs/sugar. Btw, white bread is "fear food" for me. I shun white bread. I also like whole grain cereals (Fitnesse or Go Lean!) and almonds, but they're both pricey. So okay.. Sad. But yes, I do love eating those. HAHA WISH LIST ANG PEG. But I'm just saying..

I also fear any type of food that bloats my stomach too much. The bloat I get when I eat fruits VS a meal with hard core white rice is different, yes.

Why did I start clean eating? It's better than starving, than.. "that", if you know what I mean, yes, that gross thing, and I think this is a big solution to my condition :)

I love you guys. And I will never replace all of you for anything or anyone else in this world. I have only one family, and only one to love. Thank you for everything.

Yes, You.

It only took me almost half a year to realize that I'm not alone in this world, and that a lot of girls like me have been secretly struggling with the way we look at ourselves. Yes, you, if you're like me, I must tell you that you are not alone. I know how you feel. I know what it feels like. I've been there.

It only starts with these bad thoughts that seem harmless. You try to shake it off, but you just can't. They may have come from your own parents or friends, or just from your worst enemy--yourself.

These thoughts take over you, and then you decide to finally get up and do something about it. You either pick one of the two things that will run your life: healthy or not healthy?

Don't let these ugly thoughts determine your worth in this world. Never allow it to define who you are.

If you happen to be reading this, whoever you are, someday you will get the chance to speak up. What if I give you that chance soon? What if I tell you that everything will be okay, and that you're beautiful? My dear, you are loved. You have no idea how much you're worth.

You're stronger than steel,

and more precious than diamonds.

Stars have died,

so you may live.

You are human;

You exist to be free

and to feel.