Therapy

You hear people say "respect your parents" a lot. We even learned that in school as part of our Christian Living classes where we needed to memorize the Ten Commandments. What if you know it by heart, but you can't practice it?

*commence the sob story*

My father is a descendant of Satan. HAHA just kidding. Basically, he's cruel, inhumane, dirty, and greedy. He's all about having a ton of money, and having a ton of women to fuck. I mean, he's overly generous when it comes to his dick. Once you talk about money with him, he acts like he's such a poor, humble faggot.

His "being a father" logic goes like this:

Once you graduate… Bye bye.

I have no (moral) obligations concerning you after that.

If you come back begging for help from me, I will treat you as if my own blood doesn't run through your veins, and yes, for the nth time, I will not help you.

If you beg one more time, my being "merciful" will be a privilege for you but it will expire after around, let's say, one month. After that, bye bye again.

If you starve to death, it won't be my fault, and my conscience won't be affected.

Welp. That's my dad right there.

So I had a pretty normal childhood. Well, depends on how you define "normal". I didn't grow up having a dad, and that's why I respect my mom so much because she endured everything, up until now. And then he suddenly popped out of nowhere last Christmas, and I had a fucked up brain since then to the point that my mom thought I was possessed, and my sisters thought I needed "help" due to the mental breakdown I had a couple of months back.

At first I couldn't handle the pressure of him being there--so close. I mean, after almost.. Idk, 10923918237 years without him BOOM, HELLO I'M HERE. I just got caught off guard. Eventually, I learned how to be passive. I'm not saying I'm completely "there" yet. I get affected every once in a while, but that's because I care.

That's it. I care about this family, and how we can survive without him. The feeling of being free from his hands and not relying on HIS money to live, will be the ultimate revenge we can have on him.

Our family can still be called a family even without him. Like I said, if he died, we'd even throw a party (and everyone's invited hahaha). Although I sometimes envy some of my friends who have no issues with their parents. Especially with their fathers.

You have no idea how lucky you are if you and your whole family can…

… go out and have worry-less fun.

… talk about anything without ending up having a lecture or even a fight.

… just be together, eat dinner, and watch TV.

… be normal.

How I wish for normalcy. But I guess, this is the norm. People just don't think right these days. They all get their judgements wrong. Admit it though, sometimes, it's hard to tell what's right from what's wrong. Bad things are disguised in pretty things we perceive as "good". Like sex. Loljk. But srsly.

I just hope we can get through this. I hope we can be strong enough despite the future lawsuits we'll eventually have to face. I think. Haha.

For now, I'm just trying to distract myself. The one and ONLY thing I liked about the piles of shit my dad told me a few days ago, is how he emphasised the fact that I shouldn't go home for a while (because I live in a dorm right now for college) because things are going cray over there.

OKAY THEN HAHAHA I'll just go and have the time of my life studying here. And yes, I do care about studying. And occasional drinking. And friends.

This is where I feel normal--here in Manila. This is my new home. Though I do get anxiety attacks (loljk) due to over thinking about what's happening back at my real home (QC) and it's kind of hard to talk to people about this without them thinking I'm an attention whore or if I should just stfu. Well, that's why I write instead.

I still feel pretty paranoid about reverting to my old self, and how I dealt with past issues (which is one big, fucked up blur). But I'm trying to help myself get better as well.

Here's to kids with fucked up families, but who do care about it.