I'm Ready

Ready to...

let go of all the bullshit 2012 gave me.
learn new things.
experience new things.
make things happen and not just sit and wait.
help people.
help myself.
improve my craft.
love.
give.
share.
laugh more.
cry more.
hurt more.
discover things about life.
discover new things I can do.
learn how to actually use Photoshop.
meet new people.
say goodbye to insignificant people.
teach good things.
make more good habits.
kill bad habits.
step outside my comfort zone.
study more.
be more dedicated in everything I do.
be more passionate.
share the passion.
share the good vibes.
share more stories.
learn my limits.
be more open and be reserved at the same time.
at least try to be happy even if times get rough.

I don't want to make promises to myself anymore because I end up breaking them. So this time, I'll just go with the flow. I'll be happy with the people who make me feel happy. I'll try really hard not to let petty things get in the way. I'll try not to let people hurt me and take advantage of me.

I've been too nice this 2012. It's not that I'm going to be a bigger bitch that I naturally am next year, but I'll be stronger.

I swear, if I get the chance to have a tattoo (lol hopefully 2013 will allow me, or my mom haha), I want the saying "be strong" tattooed on my wrist. Or somewhere along my arm.

I've allowed myself to become weak and vulnerable, and it wasn't a really good experience for me. So I want a permanent reminder, that when times get hard, and I have to be strong for myself, I just have to remember what's written with permanent ink on my skin.

If not that, the verse "Mt 6:34" is really nice too. Since I'm such a paranoid/anxious little girl hahaha.

OH WELL. Random thoughts.

How about you guys? I see some people can't let go of 2012 just yet. Well, newsflash. It's just a number. January 1 isn't a special day. It's just what we call "tomorrow". Memories will remain, people will be the same, if not, changed, but that's all because of time and the things they've experienced. And most of all, we're all just a day older. Hahaha.

Don't be afraid. I'm a hypocrite right now, but fuck it. 2013 may bring more happiness, if you want happiness. It's all up to you.

And like I always say, you have a choice.

To the New Year:

I've spent most of my time thinking over the past year. That's because I had a lot of time to myself; spending nights just sitting inside my room with my yellow christmas lights on, enjoying the company of music and coffee. Earlier this year, it's been quiet.

Quiet, but, in my head, I, myself, couldn't figure out what was going on. Everything was just a blur to me, and yet they were clear. I understood everything, yet I failed to accept them. I tried to change what was happening, but I couldn't. I felt completely helpless and alone.


This year has been the most emotional one in my entire life. I mean, I haven't really experienced that much emotional turmoil as compared to someone else's life. I don't want to rub it in, but I still consider myself lucky. But you know, everyone has gone, or will go through some pretty rough shit in their lives. And let me tell you, it's hard. I don't want to say that it'll end here in 2012, but I just think that it has made its mark in my life. A pretty big, dark, black mark, to be specific.

I couldn't remember all the details because it was that painful for me. All I know is, it was scarring, frustrating, and frightening. I can't imagine myself going through that again. I literally felt like I was inside a box, kept in the cold and shadowed part of an isolated room.

People never really knew what was going on inside my head. Until now, actually. I never wanted to talk about it. Now, I can't explain it. I shut people out, I was on my own, and I didn't ask for help.

Well I'm not saying that I went crazy, but I'd have to admit, I sunk into depression. In my sister's words, I felt like my head was going to split into two. I couldn't sleep well, I didn't eat. I failed to take care of myself. Basically, I just.. (oh my god I can't believe I'm saying this out in the open) I hurt myself. And I still am, to be honest.

I felt like a lonely streetlight in the night at the corner of a dark street--taken for granted, unmaintained, and flickering. I used every bit of my fibre to try to emit the last of the light left in me.

When the time came that I realized that I have to TRY to make myself better, I started talking more. Just, words. Words helped me. Exposure to the world outside the four corners of my room helped me. I realized, I wasn't alone, and that someone else must be in deeper shit than me.

Blaming myself for everything wasn't right. At the end, I knew that I did nothing wrong. I have completely fooled myself into thinking that everything was my fault.

And that's what parents fail to do/don't even know. Dear PARENTS, FOLKS, WHATEVER, can I just ask a favor from all of you: Never ever show your kids that you guys are fighting like it's a fucking 3D movie. Never ever tell them upfront that infidelity is okay like it's the natural way of life. Never ever tell them NOT to get affected because EVERYTHING YOU GUYS DO WILL ALWAYS AFFECT US, your hopeless offspring, left to grow up with these emotional scars you gave us. I just wish ya'll blindfolded us and gave us thick-ass earmuffs before you screamed and beat each other up with hurtful words and fists. I mean, HELLOOO, we just wish that we're IMMUNE to all that shit.

Even though my parents haven't been in good terms since only God knows when, at a young age, I knew what was happening. Being silent about it kind of helped, but being face to face with the problem this year, AND BEING ALONE IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE was the cherry on top.. Well, that was just MIND BLOWING. I was like, WOW. COULD LIFE GET ANY WORSE THAN THIS HAHAHA.

Family problems will always be the #1 thing that will pull us down. It's where we grew up, it's supposed to be "home", but it's not. That being said, do you think life is still fair? No. It's sad. It's devastating. Everybody knows life isn't, and never will be fair to us poor humans. Haha. I mean, take Jesus for one. He was crucified. BAM. He was like "what the hell did I dooooo but okay, in order to save mankind, I will do this." Yes. JESUS.

When I felt a little better, that was the time I got to transfer to a different college. I felt "young, and wild and free." I know that for the past 3 months I totally felt in charge and responsible for all the fuck ups I've been doing to myself. I felt guilty, dirty, BUT I knew I was happier. Haha. Ironic, right?

Though I kind of.. No, wait. I abused my freedom; I now know the tactics in order to survive in such a liberal environment. It's like I went through a trial-and-error phase in my life, which I think I needed. More of like a process of elimination. I did the wrong things so I won't do them again and I totally went against my own unwritten principles.

You could say that I'm a "masochist". Haha. I would like first hand experience because I know that I'll appreciate the outcome even though I have to suffer the consequences of my actions. THERE.

And regarding "change", I did. I moved on. I now know how, at least a bit, how to deal with the bullshit in my life. I allow myself to get hurt, cry, sulk for a few days, and BAM, I instantly feel better. All I need is to talk and talk and talk about whatever's happening, and it's actually healthy for me.

The problem was, at first, I couldn't find the people whom I know will respect my personal thoughts, and people who will actually (at least) sympathize.

Luckily, I think I've found them. I'm still pretty scared though, knowing that I've developed trust and attachment issues. Ugh. That makes me hate myself haha.

I still have a few "left overs" from what has happened earlier this year, and I don't really know if I can let go of them, but.. I will try. And I will keep trying to look for the answers and keys to free myself from the ball and chain I'm dragging around with me as I go on with life.

I'm young and I have a lot to learn. I'm naive. But I can say that I've had a fair share of bad experiences. And like I said, I'm a masochist. So whatever life throws at me, BRING IT ON, BITCH. I want to see myself just step on them like unfinished cigarettes.

SO, 2013, whatever you have in store for me--success, failure, love, more rejection, pain, satisfaction, happiness, WHAT HAVE YOU. I will embrace everything. I will cherish life. I will live, to live, and not just to survive.

Anatomy I

Well this is something I wouldn't post on my page, but it's something I would want only a few to see. So if you read my blog, well, this is open for critiques/comments/whatever. Haha. If you even have to say anything.

Uhhh, it's awkward. They do have a bit of a sensual touch, but that's because.. I don't really know why.  But I just want to say, this is purely for art's sake. I just want to explore the human body. Sooo as usual, I will start with myself until I build more confidence. Hahaha. #thingsIdoforphotography

** click on the photos for a better view.

12:58 am

Just because that's the time I started writing this.

Most of my friends' tweets and statuses were about people who have betrayed their trust. Some of them were about being completely sad, or them not feeling the Christmas spirit at all. I can totally relate to the last one because I, myself, have tweeted something like that haha.

One of my friends even told me he was drunk. At 4:30 in the afternoon. Just because he wanted to feel happy.

I won't say things like, "what the fuck is happening to the world today?" Saying that would make me a hypocrite because I sometimes seek refuge in alcohol and smoking. Oh, vices. They're bitches. HAHA. And yes, I can say that I smoke because my whole family knows already. Which is sad because I didn't want them to know that I turn to smoking to release stress sometimes. And I know that's a totally shallow reason. Aside from the fact that the vision of smoke amuses me, and how it makes unique and intricate lines and swirls as it disperses into thin air, well, yeah. It became an outlet.

SO OKAY back to the topic.

People these days, well, people from my generation are pretty smart (well, most of us haha). We just seem stupid and foolish because we always choose to do the wrong things because we want the easy way out. It's sad.

BUT, I totally get the feeling. I just hope we can learn from whatever we're going through right now.

Come on, we know we're stronger than this. We all know we're better than this. We can do much much better.

And, regarding trust, it's easily broken. It may be mended, but it won't be as perfect and as innocent as it was when you first gave it away. Some people just make you feel like they deserve it but they end up throwing it away. And you're left there, just wondering WHYYYY. WHY DID I EASILY GIVE IT AWAY. Lol it's something like virginity, but that's a different story.

Well, those are just random thoughts during ungodly hours. HAHA not really, because my night's just starting. Loljk I've been sleeping at around 4am for like, 3 consecutive days already and I have no idea why. Most of the time I just listen to music and I don't notice the time.

You probably won't give a fuck about what I write past this point.

SO I've been really into indie stuff these days. And electronic, house, and trance. Ah. It's only now that I found music that suits my taste, thanks to one of my good friends.

I still love R&B and occasional hip hop though, but the stuff I mentioned above is still home for me <3

Music. Oh, music. It makes the world go 'round. It makes people fall in love. It connects people. It's amazing. It's like magic.

I will shut up now. Kbye.

Heartless

And there you are, happy again. Not confused, not unstable, not bothered by anything--just perfectly content with being the way you are.

Here I am; my eyes have been opened to how cruel people can truly be. To how they can manage to be incredibly insensitive to other people's feelings.

Thank you, I say.

People might've warned me about you over and over, since the beginning. But I was foolish and brave enough to just go ahead and not listen.

The thought of not having to experience what they call "pain" is sort of pointless. How can I learn?

Thank you, I say.

"I thought.."
"But.."
"What if.."

These sentences may be left unfinished. No periods, no last chapters, no ends. But then again, it's better that things turned out this way because I'm tired. I have no means to go on and hope. You didn't give me meaning. You simply.. Threw me away. I was just an experiment. A compensation, even. A simple "hi."

Time--our number one enemy, our best friend.
The lingering pain of reminiscing.
The moment of realization.
The feeling of moving forward, and forward, and forward.

Thank you, I say.

You were heartless.

But, thank you, I say to you.

Change

It's inevitable, unpredictable, and downright annoying. But let's face it. It's part of life. People change, the weather, time, everything, actually. It's something that we can live with, and sometimes take for granted, but at the same time, we don't like it.

Humans are designed to adapt to change. So why are we so scared? Can't we just accept things the way they are? More like, accept and complain about it. Yeah, that's what we do best.

Can't we think of it as an "addition" instead of a "replacement"?

Let's take autumn for example. The leaves change color. After that, it turns green again. It's merely physical change, but does the whole tree change? It doesn't. It just adds beauty to the whole tree.

Lol that was actually a stupid example. FINE. PEOPLE. PEOPLE FUCKING CHANGE. That's what I really mean. I just learned how to deal with all the bullshit in my life. I learned to move on, and I got used to the fact that my family's fucked up. I love them (except for my dad haha) but yes, we're fucked up. We ain't normal.

Define normal?
A. Parents are together, you and your siblings are happy, and you guys go out and eat dinner together. And you guys have family reunions and both sides of the family are in good terms with each other.
B. Parents are separated, but one of them still keeps in touch and supports you guys, and the rest of your family's happy and you guys still get to eat dinner together.

And aside from my family, I just learned how to roll on with life. I'm in a completely new environment, I'm sort of on my own out here, but surprisingly, I know my limits and I don't abuse my freedom (at least I think so).

I grew up. A bit. I still have that "bunso" mentality deep inside me, but yeah. I grew up. I learned that life won't always be good to me, but at the end of the day, I know that there might be a 10% chance that I won't get to see the sun rise again. So I just try to forego all the shitty-ness, and I live on.

And if I do get another day to live, I do the same thing. Live and learn.

LIVE AND LEARN, PEOPLE. LIVE AND LEARN.

It's just that, why fuss over change. Fine, some people change, some people don't. AND LIKE I SAID, maybe it's not "change". Maybe it's just an "addition".

I admit. I did change. I felt it. My old friends noticed it.

Well you guys, I'm still me. I'm still the Junessa you know. My treatment towards you guys won't change. You guys are still my bestestststt friends and you still have my trust and loyalty. You know I love you guys D: What I'm not sure of now is, do I still have yours?

Please don't be scared. It makes me anxious. Haha. I feel as if the person I'm supposedly becoming is bad, and I feel as if I'm drifting away.

We all will eventually drift apart from each other. But that doesn't mean I will love you guys less. Life will take us to different places, with different people, with different personalities. Remember what I said? Humans are designed to adapt to certain situations. If we don't adapt, we can't live. We will remain stagnant.

This is how I live over here. Whatever I changed into (tangina parang nagiging ibang anyo ako or what haha), that's how I survive here.

Changing is living. Living means changing. And that's that.