Coffee Stains

She lazily stood up from the rolling chair and decided to reward herself with a cup of coffee.

While turning the doorknob with her right hand, she gave the bridge of her nose a little squeeze with her left hand. She steps out of her room, walks in the dark and just before she reached the end of the hallway, her left hand crept over the wall, feeling, trying to find the light switch in the dining room.

She walks past the dining table and reaches the kitchen counter. She grabs a mug which hung from one of those nails that poked out of the wall, pulls out an instant 3-in-1 coffee packet from the pantry, then proceeds to fill her mug up with water. She pops open the microwave and puts it inside. She then presses the buttons 3, 0, and "instant cook". Just like that, the little machine roars to life, doing its job to warm up the water.

While waiting, she rests her elbows on the kitchen counter while her hands were playing with the coffee packet. Feeling the powdery contents from outside, she grabs a pair of scissors beside the tissue holder to her right and cuts a little triangle at the top right corner of the packet.

Just in time.

The microwave beeps twice and it startles her a bit. She opens it, grabs the mug and pours the contents of the coffee packet into the just-warmed-up water. It quickly sinks and dissolves. The water turns into a pale brown color as she reaches for a teaspoon from the drawer to her left and then she stirs it until it's properly mixed. She smells the sweet aroma rising from her mug.

She places the teaspoon inside the sink and proceeds to her room with her cup of coffee.

While life was giving her nothing to get excited about, she goes back to her lazy scrolling in Facebook, hopelessly waiting for new posts to pop up.

Completely enjoying her coffee, she didn't realize it was almost finished.

She then noticed coffee stains on her pure white desk and it gave her an idea.

She decided to write a blog about how it got there.

Psychedelic (photos)

Well, my blog was just a blog.. Until now. LOL okay, so I'll stick to what I put up in my banner. This is a photo blog. Hence the photos below. Okay I'm shutting up now.

So I got inspired this afternoon. When I edited them like.. 10 minutes ago, I realized that the processing I did was similar to my old over-processed shots (since I was a major "action junkie" before). You know, ULTRA-BRIGHT COLORS and.. Just plain colorful.

I tried toning them down a bit though. Enjoy.

Yeah I know, I look drunk/high/whatever.

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So YEP.

Ding ding ding.

LOLWAT. Kbye.

Silence is Expensive

That particular line struck me the most during my 4th year high school retreat.

It can literally mean that you have to pay for the luxury of peace nowadays.

Or it could just mean that the value of silence has gone up because, well, who has a quiet life these days?

I keep being woken up from silence. And yet, I thought I've successfully tried to stay away from people who kept disturbing my peace. As a matter of fact, I haven't been bothering them for ages, but they come back, again and again.

What have I done to deserve this? You all have gotten your revenge on me already. Multiple times, even. Please respect my solitude, as I have tolerated your choice to practically ruin my reputation to everyone who doesn't even know me.

What do you want from me? I just don't want all that drama anymore. I'm begging you all to shut your mouths and get on with your lives. Don't drag me down with you because it's been so hard to stay afloat after everything that happened for the past few years.

I may not have been the best person you have met/encountered, but if you have any sense of self preservation, you guys should have gotten over this about a year ago.

I know I did you wrong, and I know I've hurt you real bad. Will it make you feel better if you kept on doing this? If you kept on telling everyone that "I was that girl who couldn't make up her mind"? Or worse, I was "that slut"? WILL IT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?

I'm begging you to stop. Please. Stop spreading the story as if it was nothing. As if we were nothing.

The worst part is, I can't even do anything to stop it. I'm always left to fend for myself even if no one will believe me. Why? Everyone already knows "I'm the bad guy".

Will you ever get tired of beating me up? Will you ever get tired of telling people how much of a bad person I am behind my back? WHEN WILL MY SILENCE EVER BE ENOUGH?

I know you were hurt.

But what about me? I've thrown my pride out the window just so you could mock me for the rest of my life. I put myself on the floor with all the dirt, just so you could step on me even more.

Yes, you have certainly changed. But you did have the choice to become a better person.

Remember that there's always two sides to one story.

Kung mangtsi-tsismis ka na lang din, alamin mo na parehas.

Why do photographers ask for so much?

Disclaimer: This is written based on a 17-year-old amateur photographer's perspective. No hatin', just sayin'.

First of all, being a photographer is amazing. Don't even get me started. It's all going to get cheesy here, and I don't want that because I'm going to be brutally frank right now.

We, photographers, ask for so much because, basically, we need to FREEZE TIME. Apparently, nobody has the ability to do so, that's why we try so hard just to visually pause it for a split second while we try to take a freaking picture of it. Sounds like hard work? Well, try doing that 700-1000 (or more) times in a few hours, or a whole day. It's grueling.

We also have to multitask all the time. That means, we have to move, shoot, and pause at the right moment. AND we have to balance those three all at the same time. If you move too much, you're gonna get crappy pictures, and you might miss a good moment. Shoot too much? Haha. IT'S A FUCKING HEADACHE TO LOOK THROUGH A BAJILLION PHOTOS AND FISH OUT THE BEST PHOTOS WE CAN GIVE YOU. You pause too much? You're screwed. Speed is important 'cause if you're too slow, you're going to miss out on a lot of stuff.

Don't get us wrong, WE HONESTLY LOVE OUR JOB. We do. We will do anything to get the perfect shot. Which brings me to my next point. Photographers like to sacrifice their own lives, and not to mention, their expensive cameras' lives, just to get the perfect photo. Just for you. Because with every photo, passion comes with it.

To sum things up, you know why we charge so much? Effort. We don't have machines to do all the work. Well, there's the camera, but what good is it if we ourselves don't use it? It still boils down to manpower and how we make use of our.. Forgive the religious reference.. "GOD GIVEN TALENTS". And skill. And experience. And eventually, adding our name to the price becomes a factor.

Can we buy talent? No. We most certainly did not buy ours.

Can we buy skill? No.

Can we buy experience? No.

Can we buy our name? Can we buy the fame and ordeals that we had to go through just to get to where we are right now? No.

Skill and experience are all provided by time. That means, the more experience we have, the more skillful we become. Which makes us more pricey. We wish we could just fast forward the time, but you know, the thing with us photographers, we have a tendency to become nostalgic creatures. I mean, that's why we take pictures of things, right? Not just us, but you too. I mean, helloooo. INSTAGRAM. You practically take pictures of everything (like me ehem ehem guilty ehem) because.. WHY? "Wala lang"? No. You take pictures because you want something to last. Because not everything lasts forever. NAKS EMO KBYE

So, now do you get it? Somehow?

It's easy to buy your own DSLR and learn how to use it, but it still boils down to your skill and having "the eye" (haluhluh). You'd probably think, "Why should I pay for photo shoots when I can just buy a tripod, a remote, and a 5D Mark III?"

OH EDI IKAW NA. IKAW NA MAYAMAN. IKAW NA LAHAT. HAHAHAHA bitter lang.

IT. STILL. BOILS. DOWN. TO. TALENT. And skill. And everything I said. And everything that I missed.

And can I just say... WE ARE PHOTOGRAPHERS, NOT PHOTOSHOP MASTERS. We'd Photoshop your pimples away, and probably make your skin smoother. Period. Anything beyond that is photo manipulation. Or at least that's what I know (please don't hate lol)

And you're probably thinking right now, "So feeling niya, may talent siya, may skill, may experience, may pangalan, may mahal na camera, lahat na, siya na?"

LOL CAN I LAUGH AT YOU? Yes. Okay. My war freak self is now talking to you, if ever that thought enters your mind. Listen up. NO. HINDI. DI KO SINASABING "ALL THAT" AKO. Haters gonna hate. Haluhluh. Here's the thing. I'm only 17 years old. I have a lot to learn. I don't have much experience, and I must say that I have a lot to work on. I don't know all the technical details, but what I have is the passion.

Yes, I am proud to say that I have the passion for what I do, and that's what keeps me going. That's what makes us photographers keep going. And actually, it's not only photographers, but artists in general.

Okay so there's this one thing (well, not just one but.. whatever) I learned from Jo Avila. We photographers are like painters. Only, we have to crop things out because real painters can put whatever they want on their canvases. Real painters with paintbrushes and paint, can add things. We photographers have to make do with whatever we have in front of us, and our job is to subtract the ugly/unnecessary parts to make it appealing/beautiful.

It's just like in cooking. If it's too bland, put salt. Put too much salt, it becomes too salty, hence, it won't taste as good. Yep.

I'm going to shut up now. Kbye.

Ambition

I can't imagine a life without wanting something.
Don't get me wrong. "Want" is a strong word.

Maybe if we look at it in this perspective, it would seem less intimidating:
- Desires
- Ambitions
- Dreams
- Goals
- Hopes
- Wishes
- Stupid-but-not-stupid-for-me-because-I-believe-it's-possible kind of cheesy thing

Okay, so I saw this picture of Manny Pacquiao in Facebook.
Here, have a look and read the description below.

It just so happens that my mom and I were talking about something similar to that topic this afternoon.

Having a goal, or an ambition in life is important. It gives us the reason to live and fight for what we want. Maybe you catch my drift now.

I'm not really in the "writing mood" right now so my mental dictionary/thesaurus is closed. I can't expand my point any further. It's just that.. It's so plain and simple: Keep wanting something, and your life will have purpose. YOU will have purpose. You will live the life you want.

It does take time. I know I'm only 17 years old, but I do know a thing or two about the importance of patience (HAHA WHAT A HYPOCRITE). As long as you dedicate your life to it, you will be there soon.

As in, full-on dedication. Make yourself believe that it's only that and nothing else. ANO DAW. BASTA YUN.

There was a quote I saw before but I can't quite remember the exact line. But whatever. It goes something like, if you love your job, you will never have to work a day in your life.

Why? You know what they say; time flies when you're having fun. Well, that's basically it. I'm pretty tired from today's activities (though I only sat down for 6 hours straight) so you'll just have to put the pieces together yourself.

BASTA YUN.

Keep wanting, and you'll live the life you've always wanted.

I wanna win back my Diana F+!!

I heard about this giveaway and I was like.. OH HELL NAW I WANNA WIN THIS THING.
HER GIVEAWAY IS JUST AWESOME AND AND AND SHE'S GIVING AWAY A BRAND NEW DIANA F+!! And.. Well, I kinda missed having my own since I sold it and.. Even though I don't use it, it makes a good prop and it makes me curious. AND EVEN THOUGH the 120mm film is damn expensive, I still want one.

Check it out and you might get lucky (if you do, I hate you):
http://withheartshapedeyes.com/post/24193704583/giveaway0

Q&A

Disclaimer: I am a frustrated writer.

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What makes me happy?

That simple question has been swirling around her head the whole time she was walking back to her place. The streets were dark, the air was warm but refreshing, and she was alone. A little time for herself, she thought. Perhaps she ought to think about simpler things during this period. Her mind was completely blank as she struggled to look for an answer to her question. Being alone could be even more frustrating sometimes. She did have the tendency to chew over petty things.

Turning right at the end of the street, she's now only two minutes away from home.

Home or house?

Another hard question. Wow, since when did something so simple turn into something so complicated? Well, it's not like people asked her these questions everyday. She decided to ignore that one for now.

Stepping inside her house, she wiped her feet on the doormat. She turned around and locked the front door and lazily walked along the hallway. Catching a glimpse of her dad sitting on the rolling chair watching TV, she sighed. Oh well, I have to greet him.

"Hi dad."

"Where've you been?"

"Church."

He nods and returns to his program.

She then proceeded to her room and changed her clothes. That first question was still nagging for an answer. She ignores it for the nth time and takes off her shoes.

Her mind was so preoccupied with even more random things that she didn't even notice her door was half-open. Huh. Dad could've seen me. Oh well.

Ah, yes. She's very passive. For now.

While she was brushing her hair, she heard a fine tune coming from outside. Probably from a radio, since it was a bit muffled. She paused for a moment since the slightest move made the melodious sound inaudible. Wanting to hear more, she tied up her hair and walked out of her room slowly. As she followed the sound, she realized it was coming from her dad's room.

He left the radio on. Well, he always does.

The music was from the fifties. It was similar to those songs from the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's. She normally didn't like old music, but this was actually an exception. It was nice. Old, but new.

She stood in front of her dad's half-open door at the end of the unlit hallway. She moved in closer to the small opening, trying to hear it better. It was a song about a couple dancing on their wedding night. It described how the two moved across the floor, with their arms moving gracefully against one another. It was beautiful music.

She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes and imagined the whole scenario described in the song.

Listening to something simple like this was refreshing. It made her smile, thinking that the song was so innocent and true.

And just like that, the song was over. It faded out and the radio host's voice was back up and loud, forcing her eyes to open. Her face was back to a stoic expression and she realized she was back in the 21st century.

Reality may be as bitter as it may seem, but it felt lighter. It was a tad easier to deal with.

Suddenly, there it was -- complete with marquee lights, in big, bold, yellow letters, the perfect answer to her question.

Can I just say...

...That, here I am, lying on my soft bed, buried under fluffy pillows, with my laptop on top of a pillow on my lap, waiting for a miracle to happen.

For five (or six) years, I have been so thirsty to prove to everyone, and to myself, that I can be a famous photographer some day.

My feeble attempts are as follows:
- I tried to look "pro" while using a Sony digital point and shoot camera.
- I tried to look even more "pro" while I lugged around my first ever DSLR everywhere I went, even though it was an extremely heavy piece of jewelry to hang around my neck.
- I actually read my camera's manual, and I studied what "ISO" and "Aperture" meant and what those were for, and immediately ignored the camera's auto shit.
- I told myself to stop being intimidated by my own camera, and I decided to go full-on MANUAL mode, just so I could finally learn.
- I sold a few prints back in my high school sophomore days.
- I tried to look waaaaay more "pro" when I got my 60D, minus the "lugging everywhere" thing, because it was heavier. Still on manual mode. But I got lazier, and I sometimes go to P for quick shots.
- I ridiculously attempted to do the 365 Project, and failed twice in a row.
- I, in turn, have turned into an extremely vain person because I kept on practicing how to take photos of people on myself.
- I made an embarrassing fan page with my complete name displayed right there.
- I became part of this amazing group called Pipe Dreams, where I am one of the two photographers in the group. It's a small "business", so yeah. (lol ring me if you're reading this and you're interested)


Why did I just say all of that?

Maybe it's because the world's population is divided into two when it comes to art. 20% of them will believe in you, and the rest will keep doubting you, judging you, and they will always try to pull you down. Even if you try so hard to prove them wrong.

I used to be so jealous of those photographers in Flickr who got featured on the "Explore" page. I have long admired the billboards of foreign & local brands, trying to figure out how they took the shot, instead of looking at the clothes/what they were selling. I've been trying so hard to remember and memorize a bunch of local photographers' names and styles, and they have become my indirect teachers. 99.9% of my computer's memory is dedicated to more than a year's worth of photos from pseudo shoots and random daily snapshots. My money goes to (actually, mostly food) buying magazines every month just so I could look at photos from photographers whom I look up to (Hello Bj Pascual, Roy Macam, Jo Ann Bitagcol, Mark Nicdao and Seven Barretto... And everybody else in the universe).

I could go on and on about me dreaming about when my time will come. Personally, I know I am SOOO not yet ready for whatever's out there. Slowly though, I am beginning to creep out of my shell. I crave so much for more experience. I don't care if it's a slow-paced dream. I want this so bad. I want it to be the reason why I live, and at the same time, I want, and need, to live to do it.

Some photographs are meant to evoke specific feelings from a person. See? This type of art makes people feel better about themselves. It can make them open their eyes to the truth, horrible or not. It's effective, it has impact. It can cure someone's sullenness, or it can make someone hope for something better. Nowadays, we need more of that, because people don't seem to care anymore. Some people speak condescendingly of art as if it's nonsensical and  shallow, especially photography. I beg to disagree. Of course.

It may be hard to make a living out of it, but come to think of it, I take photographs because I want to, not because I want to be rich. If the money and the fame comes as a bonus, then thanks. I really appreciate it. But actually, we photographers stake our lives for something that is so inconsistent and indefinite. It's riskier than pursuing fashion, or crossing a tight rope. If you don't get clients, you're dead. Screw one shoot up, it's over. Maybe. I don't know. It's all a gamble.

It would be a fearsome thing to do if you're pessimistic like me. I know, I know. "In the first place, photography should only be a sideline. Go corporate." Oh God, hearing that is a pet peeve. I can't even begin to explain how.. UGH okay. Whatever. Why in the world would I want to walk around in an office wearing a polo and a tight pencil skirt. And a 9-5 job? Not for me.

Okay listen up. Photography is not merely a hobby for me. It is my passion, my goal, and my future career. I dream of doing spreads for local, foreign, and high end magazines and seeing my name printed beside "Photographer" smack dab in the middle of those glossy pages that smell of freshly printed paper. I aim to immortalize the faces of legends and portray how awesome they are. I want to become a story teller in one simple glance. I wish to become a master of my craft.

Oh the list goes on, I tell you. I'm not the only one who wishes for these things. Thank God I'm not alone, because I seem so obsessed with this. But hey, I just really love it.

I was inspired to write my thoughts about this because of Elisa Aquino. She's influenced me so much. I've been reading her blog and I found out that we have a bunch of similar thoughts about our passion. She's very hardworking and because of that, she gets what she wants without owing anybody anything. All of the things she finally got are all fruits of her labor and love. And the opportunities just keep flowing in! Not only that, but she's got a bucket full of pure talent. Period. Wow. I wish I can be like that.

You know what? I can, and I will. Someday. Not now, but my time will come. All I need to do is go out and shoot some more. Soon, my hard drive will blow up. Loljk.

I should probably stop blabbering now. I always get excited and overwhelmed by what I have to face whenever I look at good photos. Which is all the time. So.. Yeah.

I'm on the verge of having a massive migraine, and I should really stop. Kbye.