The Philosophy of Perfection

It truly does not exist. Period. What Plato said about our souls supposedly living in the world of forms where everything is perfect, and since we are now living in the world of senses, made me realize that we are only copying what we saw.

A copy of something perfect can never be perfect because, well, it's only a copy. In this world, perfection is stupid. So why do we even try so hard to achieve it? It is physically impossible to do so. Sure, we possess the ideology of perfection but can we really grasp that concept? That IT JUST DOESN'T EXIST?

Why do we expect so much?
Why can't we ever just be content with how we are?
We do we keep wanting to reach higher and higher for unachievable things?
Let's get real. Sure, the human person is complex enough to do whatever he wants to do. He can be anything he wants to be. But, perfect? No.

There's a reason why we're human beings, and not gods or goddesses. We aren't made to be perfect.

Nah, just a random thought.

Unsettling

Every single time I go online, I see my friends back in high school have pictures together.
Laughing together.
Eating together.
Being together.

It makes me feel so jealous and alone because I can't be there with them. I mean, due to reasons that can't really be avoided like, I don't stay here at my house in QC during weekdays and I barely get to go home on weekends especially now that finals are coming up. Plus the unpredictable weather. And the fact that I get sick all the time these past few weeks.

I can go on and on about why I can't make time to see them, but.. Can I just say that I miss them so much?

I feel like I can get a grasp of myself, and of the earth, once I get to be with them again.

Ugh. Living this life, I have to deal with reconnecting with people all the damn time. The hardest part is feeling like you're an outcast. Or worse, a stranger. -- Like a smelly and psychotic hobo that nobody wants come near to. Like you were never really their friend/sister/daughter to begin with and all the memories they have of you suddenly vanished.

I keep having a hard time trying to balance my relationships with people. Right now I think I got my family + boyfriend issue under control, but what happened to my friends back here at home?

I guess I just have to accept the fact that we all have separate lives and it's not "like high school" anymore.

It's hard though, because they all get together when everyone is FINALLY supposedly available and then some bullshit reason (like the weather and some condo-living issues) comes up and well.. You miss out on a lot of fun and a lot of probable conversations you could've had with them about catching up with each other.

In case you're wondering why I don't include "school" in my list of "to balance" things, I kept a promise to myself that I would never compromise my schoolwork for anything else. Lol. Yes, even family. I sacrifice family time for school time, or just so I could get some decent down-time.

Whatever.

So okay, to my friends:

I hope you guys haven't forgotten that I still care about all of you. And nooo, I haven't forgotten about ya'll. Nor have I replaced you guys. I still want to be your friend :< I still want to know what's going on with your lives these days, since we all got separated since graduation. Lol. Am I being too clingy? Or too distant? At this point, I don't know what I am to you guys. Am I just a ghost? A part of your pasts? History?

It hurts though, that I can't be near you guys and schedule quick "lunch dates". And the fact that I do  feel like an outcast right now :< Huhu all the fucking feels.

I still love you guys to death though :<

Omg this is turning sentimental.

After all, my high school friends are my real solid friends. They taught me the meaning of loyalty and what true friendship is. And "sisterhood". More like "brotherhood" because my group of friends and I weren't really the feminine sort of bunch. Ah I miss hanging out with you guys and being all skwater  and ugly because WE CAN and WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK. WAAAHSHETIMISSYOUGUYS.

Yep. This is how much friend-sick I can get. If there's such thing as homesick, it's safe to say that being friend-sick is a feeling a person can feel too. Meh. *meow*

PS: Sam, I am so sorry I didn't get to go to your house last weekend. Idk when you'll be back so.. Yeah. That really annoys me -__- We've been planning that get together for AGES and divhbhcihuijwopcd. MICROWAVE. Yeah. Bye. :<

Hello, My Love.

To the boy who loves every part of me, the good and the bad, this is for you:

We're five months into our relationship. Time flies, eh? I still can't forget the first night I met you. Everything is still in deep detail embedded in my memory; the first time we kissed, the first time we held hands, the first time I looked into someone's eyes and asked myself whether that was really happening because everything seemed so surreal.

You found me at my lowest point in my life (so far, in my 18 years of existence). I thought I was a mere piece of broken glass being swept away together with dirt. I kept telling myself that I don't deserve to be loved because I can't even love nor respect myself.

But look, I was the perfect reflection of you, in every single way. Getting to know you was like looking deep into a mirror. And I liked what I saw for the first time ever. We were both fucked up for lack of better words. We weren't in the state of being ready for a relationship, but we took the risk. And I'm so glad we did.

I learned how to love myself because of you. Through you, I knew what true faith meant and how precious life is, and that there is indeed, beauty in everything that happens to us.

We don't need "outside forces" to dictate how we should handle or move in our relationship. We can fix things and grow together by ourselves. We know better and we promised to each other that we will always choose to be the better people.

It's just that, older and supposedly "wiser" people always look down our relationship.  Just because we're "still young", and how many things we still need to discover about people and the world and all those other irrelevant shit about life . Blah blah blah. They have a point.

Come on. Are people still that old-fashioned? Do I/we really need to be with multiple partners just to learn? Is it so wrong to hope for the best, that you will be my first and my last? Being with you is enough. Though my heart does broken because of you every once in a while, you never fail to fix it. You give me headaches but you magically turn things around and make everything okay again. Like I said, being with you gives me so much knowledge in terms of how to love and respect someone and, well, myself.

Baby, you are enough. Don't ever think of yourself as someone who isn't deserving of anything nice in this world because you do. If not, you deserve the best. We all do.

If I'm a handful, I'm sorry. It's probably my PMS.

You know me better than anyone.

I can't even lie to you because, well, even when I do, you know.

Here's to our love, which I hope, we will bring to our future home, our dream studios, and eventually to our graves. HAHA overly attached girlfriend alert, but you know what I mean.

I love you.

No, I love you too much. *creeper*

Heh. I know you love me too. :> HAHAHA loljk I love you baby :*

P.S.: I like flowers now. I think they're pretty. And romantic. Hehehehe. Just not chocolates because they're gonna make me fat. :3

To my family:

Due to recent events, I did what I had to do--scream. I didn't have the words to express what I felt and I didn't want all of you to see me in that state. Being fresh from the visit, I just felt so raw. Throwing colorful cusses all over the place didn't even enter my mind. I know I've made everyone worry, knowing that I'm very "unstable". I apologize for being like this. But I hope you understand.

To be honest, I can't help but feel, in mom's words. I can't help but hurt for all of you, and feel anger towards my father. I just can't stand the fact that he treats everyone like that. I hope you understand that. I know that I shouldn't be doing this to myself, but I love you all too much.

YES, everyone, ya'll don't have to remind me that I'm not the most unluckiest person on earth (or in this family). I perfectly know that. If I act as if I'm such a victim, which you guys perceive 99% of the time, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being like this. Terribly, terribly sorry. I'm sorry to myself as well, because I know it's not healthy.

I'm sorry for shutting you all out. Maybe it was because I thought I had already given up on myself.

I just hope you guys won't judge me, and you all would accept the fact that this is an ultra-mega slow process  of recovery. Yes, there are days where I feel very hopeful, but there are also times where I get tired and everything just relapses, and I have to go back to square 1. I mean, I just wish I could wake up one day and say, "HEY, I'TS A MIRACLE. I HAVE NO WORRIES, WHATSOEVER, AND I AM HAPPY, AND I LOVE MYSELF." But.. No.

I worry for everyone, I am unhappy and anxious about the fact that I have to see dad every week, and no, I do not love myself. It's difficult to be this way. It's difficult to get out of it. But at least I know, someday I can get better.

You know, sometimes I wish that I can just pretend to be okay so all of you wouldn't have to worry about me, but i'd be digging my own grave if I start doing that. Again.

I hope all of you can understand that I'd like to recover slowly, BUT surely. I don't want to leave traces, just because everyone's in a rush for me to become normal again. And to be honest, I felt like giving up on myself before because I did feel rushed. I felt pressured, as if there was a time limit. Like, I had to conform to someone's rules again, and if I don't conform, of course, I fail. And I honestly thought I was going to.

This short summer break helped me. At least somehow, you guys have understood even just a fraction of how I see things, and how things work. Or is it just me.. I don't know, but I hope you guys understand me even just a little bit.

P.S.: Please support me in my clean eating venture. HAHA. I like eating fruits and vegetables. I am willing to eat ampalaya, but NOT okra. Too gross. I hope someday, even with my annoying schedule this term, I can cook for everyone.

I say violent no's to fast food, (unfortunately) to cake/cupcakes, to milk chocolate, noodles, anything high in sodium/carbs/sugar. Btw, white bread is "fear food" for me. I shun white bread. I also like whole grain cereals (Fitnesse or Go Lean!) and almonds, but they're both pricey. So okay.. Sad. But yes, I do love eating those. HAHA WISH LIST ANG PEG. But I'm just saying..

I also fear any type of food that bloats my stomach too much. The bloat I get when I eat fruits VS a meal with hard core white rice is different, yes.

Why did I start clean eating? It's better than starving, than.. "that", if you know what I mean, yes, that gross thing, and I think this is a big solution to my condition :)

I love you guys. And I will never replace all of you for anything or anyone else in this world. I have only one family, and only one to love. Thank you for everything.

Yes, You.

It only took me almost half a year to realize that I'm not alone in this world, and that a lot of girls like me have been secretly struggling with the way we look at ourselves. Yes, you, if you're like me, I must tell you that you are not alone. I know how you feel. I know what it feels like. I've been there.

It only starts with these bad thoughts that seem harmless. You try to shake it off, but you just can't. They may have come from your own parents or friends, or just from your worst enemy--yourself.

These thoughts take over you, and then you decide to finally get up and do something about it. You either pick one of the two things that will run your life: healthy or not healthy?

Don't let these ugly thoughts determine your worth in this world. Never allow it to define who you are.

If you happen to be reading this, whoever you are, someday you will get the chance to speak up. What if I give you that chance soon? What if I tell you that everything will be okay, and that you're beautiful? My dear, you are loved. You have no idea how much you're worth.

You're stronger than steel,

and more precious than diamonds.

Stars have died,

so you may live.

You are human;

You exist to be free

and to feel.

Faith

When I gave up on myself, a lot of people around me got so disappointed, to the point that even they gave up on me. They promised that they'd always be there, and that I can always talk to them whenever I needed someone to talk to.

The thing is, I always get criticised and put down whenever I speak to them about whatever it is I feel. Can't they see that my way of thinking is distorted? A.K.A. I'm pretty fucked up. Haha! And obviously, I've done a lot of research about my condition because I'd want to gain further understanding about whatever's happening to me, since I can't go to a professional who can explain everything to me in detail. And they think going to a psychiatrist won't help/would be pointless because.. I honestly don't know why. =))

I'm sick of looking at this from the emotional point of view. I know there's something scientific about my condition. Sure, blame me for becoming like this, but there's always a reason behind it. The main thing though, it's because I've been hiding so much negative emotions for such a long time and I wasn't able to let it out in a healthy manner. Count all the years of trauma from losing a father figure, and deprivation of explanations of what's happening, BAM, you get Junessa Rendon.

So last night, my mom and I had an argument about religion, FOR THE NTH TIME. She kept saying that she just can't understand and accept the fact that my generation isn't as religious as she was/is. I simply told her that I wasn't ready to accept God wholly. I don't want to force myself to become religious and end up sinning more because I'm such a poser.

I try, you know. In my own little way. I go to church every sunday and serve in our parish choir. I even talk to Him occasionally in a casual manner whenever I'm alone. But my mom doesn't know that. Does she need to? Do I need to tell her every single religiously-related thing I do? NO. That's between me and God. I find it personal. Okay? Okay.

She keeps comparing me to herself ALL THE TIME. Like, she kept saying that she doesn't dwell on her problems, and that she was taught to be strong and shit. And I'm like.. Sorry, I was only taught to keep my mouth shut so that World War III wouldn't happen. Nobody ever cared about how I felt about a certain situation because they all assumed that I can handle it, even at a really young age. I was taught to be numb until I couldn't handle it anymore. And my breaking point was when my dad came back to live with us again two years ago. That's where it all just.. lefgyidcfouedaisudoas

WELL, now she thinks of me as a person possessed by an evil spirit that sucks out all the happiness and life left in me. What a religious being you are, dear mother. Lol. Instead of respecting my own religious views, you always think of the most malicious and evil things ever. All the time. Admit it. AND she even said that the reason why I'm like this is because I'm not religious. lksjadjbhjsvgytcduaosidl. There's a fine line between being religious and superstitious. Kbye.

She kind of said that because I blurted out the statement: "God can't cure me."

HOLD UP.

(lol defensive-ness but honestly this is what I meant)
I DIDN'T MEAN IT IN THE "I don't have faith" SENSE. Fuck. My wording was just totally wrong. I mean, God can't help me (not technically), not my mom, not my sisters, not my aunt, not even my boyfriend. Only I can help myself. It still boils down to ME. And I can't even help myself. That's why it's so difficult. My condition has become an addiction. Which is totally sick and wrong, I know, but yeah, IT'S LIKE THAT.

Now she thinks I'm an atheist or something.
Great. Good job, Junessa.

OKAY going back to my condition, I have acknowledged that I am too fucked up for my own good THEREFORE, I have decided to seek professional help. My aunt's got my back on this and my boyfriend's going to go with me during my sessions, and I think my mom just doesn't want to talk anymore, and I think my siblings.. Well idk anymore because they don't talk to me as often as before.

Alright. It's time to face the long list of issues I have to resolve.

I can foresee that this will be a LOOONG road to recovery and I'm totally terrified but whatever. I would love to feel like a normal human being again.

9:51 AM Thoughts

I saw this disturbing image on facebook the other day, and I just had to share it because I got to relate to it so much. It was a comic strip, relaying the story of a dog, wondering if his master was successful in his attempt to "fly". And indeed, the attempt was a success, because the comic strip showed the image of feet that seemed to be floating.

The scene progressed, and the dog's owner was already hanging from his ceiling fan--dead.

In just a few frames, that comic strip bluntly defined what it feels like to have depression--that, no matter how many reasons you have to be happy, you just can't. Even if you have a billion, or even just one, you lose all sense of lightness and joy. You eventually just lose your will to live and, well, you give up on the world, and on yourself.

Last night, I almost had an episode. And I was so scared of what I could've done. I suddenly had urges to pull my hair out, scream and run around, cry, hurt myself with the first thing I saw (which was a twig so it'll never work so okay haha), and even hurt someone I love. I needed to see blood in order to feel calm again.

Of course I did none of those because I was in public (but at that time, I didn't give a fuck) and I was trying to get a grip of myself. I ended up chain smoking. Hahaha. Okay. Well that sort of helped, since I smoked one stick in less than two minutes. And while I was smoking, I was giving everyone around me death glares which made my whole body twitch like a fucker.

After the whole situation was resolved, I realized that my thoughts were just NOT normal. At all. I literally felt like I was going crazy. I kept saying things like, "kailangan kong magpakamatay (I need to die)" and "ayoko na ayoko na (I don't want this anymore)".

I was even pacing from one end of the hallway to the other, not blinking, not feeling the pain of my eyes that were drying up, not thinking about what other people could've been thinking. I was just walking back and forth, silently, and I was completely dazed and out of my element.

Well, that was creepy. Haha.