During the (almost) 7 years I've been doing photography, I thought my work was becoming shallow because I just keep taking pictures of myself. But when I look back on the reasons why I take those pictures, I realized that I use photography as my outlet for some emotions that I don't know how to handle. It became another language which only I can understand. For most people, they only think of it as vanity. For me, those are memories which are documented. I guess that's why my photographs are very personal and close to me.

Last summer, I began to cater to a larger crowed. I started getting more clients through the group I'm in called Pipe Dreams. We've had a couple of our friends patronizing our small business, and that made us believe that we can really do this. We can be part of "the industry". We even had our 15 minutes of fame on twitter, even for a couple of hours. "Pipe Dreams" was on the trending list on twitter last June (I think).

Majority of our clients (lol don't worry I won't mention names) consisted of girls who went through heartbreaks. They wanted to feel beautiful again after those nights of tears that never seemed to end, and heavy hearts that felt like stones were inside their chests. They wanted to breathe again after being choked by the pain of being in love.

Girls will always be girls. No matter what you say, we will always want to save our dignity as women. Like men and their egos. Loljk. For us, it's a bit different. Some people may say that these days, it's pretty common for girls to be the ones to chase after boys. So now what. Chivalry is dead? Where the fuck are chivalrous men? Dead. Loljk. I keep saying LOLJK. Loljk.

I still believe in traditions. You know, where guys will be the ones who will desperately chase after girls, and where they'll treat girls like princesses. Do guys like that still exist? When will boys (yes, boys, because there's a difference between boys and men) stop playing around and just go for the girl who they want?

Just food for thought. A lot of my friends have been telling me that I should know my worth as a girl. I realized that I was too easy. I give in all the time--to my feelings, and to the slightest signs of affection. This is one of the times where I wish that my "love life" was like a Korean drama where simple touches mean a lot. Relationships give enough headaches. What more if you don't even have a relationship yet, and you keep making guesses. For girls like me, good luck to us. Stay strong. Hang in there. If that boy really likes you, in time, he'll make his move. HAHAHA yeah.

Superficial

I arrived just in time for my 2:45pm class, if not, maybe I was a few minutes late. Our professor wasn't there yet so okay, I'm safe. Haha actually she doesn't even check the attendance, but I'm pretty anal about being present in all of my classes. After all, what's the point of going to school if you're not going to attend your classes. #petpeeve

Well anyway, that's not what I want to talk about. When I sat down in one of the chairs in the first row, a couple of my guy classmates were fussing over something on Facebook beside me. When I checked to see what it was, they were looking at the profiles of girls whom they supposedly know.

What ticked me off was how they talked about those girls in such a superficial manner. I heard comments like "di naman siya maganda eh (she's not even beautiful)" and "okay lang.. pwede na (she's okay..)" and other pretty degrading stuff. They were sort of looking for prospective girlfriends or something. (Hell, if they knew you talked about women in that manner, wow, good luck in getting girlfriends.)

I'm not a feminist, but being a fellow woman, I got offended for those ladies who didn't know shit about what those guys were saying about them. I mean, I know it's none of my business because I was only eavesdropping, but it makes me wonder how guys see us girls. Sure, call me a hypocrite. I judge men on their appearance too, but that doesn't mean they can get "crossed out of my list".

Maybe it comes with age. Being superficial is such a shallow basis for someone to fall in love. It always will be. I admit, I get crushes on some guys because they're cute or they have a nice physique. It still boils down to the guy's personality.

No wonder some girls get so body-conscious these days. No wonder some girls think they're not enough. No wonder us women feel incredibly insecure about our appearances.

Do we live to be beautiful for just you guys? Do we simply live to be loved? Are we just there for you when you feel like it? Are we here so that you won't feel alone/unloved? What the fuck are we then? Objects? Things? Toys?  Wow.

Fuck that. We are women. We have to be treated with utmost respect because SOMEDAY, we will be the ones who will be carrying the fruit of your fucking seed, and we'll be the ones who will have to go through the pain to get that fucking tree out of our vaginas.

It's not that I'm saying that men will forever be under our power. But if you guys treat us right, you will be rewarded. Seriously. We will love you 10 times back. Because we're women -__- WOMEN.

(Almost done with the rant, don't worry.) It's such a big turn-off. Even if you're one of my friends, and I hear you talking about a girl like that, I'd be scared because who knows what you guys think of me.

Then again, like I always tell myself, "There's no reason to wear make up. Why? You're not here to pick up a boyfriend. You're here for one thing, and one thing only. Your education."

Please, Junessa. Hahaha stop lying to yourself. You've got one extra eye open for that.

True. Haha I'm not going to lie. Basically, I just don't want distractions. I have goals. Plans. Expectations to meet. I want a future. But if my future boyfriend will be good to me, and he won't be a bad influence or whatnot, well.. Hahaha exceptions can be made.

Well, to my future boyfriend:
I hope you will be my first and my last.
I hope we won't ever outgrow each other.
I hope we'd always bring out the best in each other.
I hope you will love my past and my present as much as I will love yours.
I hope you will respect me and my decisions.
I hope for us to become best friends.

Hala, wedding vows? Hahaha. But seriously. I beg of you to treat me right. Treat me like a queen, and you'll forever be my king. WAAAAAT HAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK.

These cheesy lines are like word vomit to me, so I apologize for that.

Welp, I'm watching tonight's Philippine Fashion Week show. I'll be leaving in a few

In Favor of Silence

I'm a person who appreciates silence, occasional isolation, and thinking. A lot. You may find me staring off into space from time to time, but that's because I'm pondering on something, or.. Maybe I slept at around 4am the "night" before.

Thinking makes me feel alive. It makes me feel more human. It's one of the things I appreciate and hate about myself because thinking leads to over thinking. It makes me assume the future, so eventually, I scare myself about what hasn't even happened yet.

To think about thinking. That's new. Right now, my thoughts about it are all jumbled because I have so much to say about it.

I may be one of the girls you know who randomly makes weird noises, the one who's hyperactive, and the one who's always happy. I'm not saying that I'm faking who I really am, but there's a whoooole different side that I don't normally show to people. Sometimes I creep myself out because one moment I'm being totally serious then the next thing I know, I'm laughing so hard about something shallow.

Just a random thought.

Of familiarity, curiosity, and misunderstandings.

It's rare to find people whom you can have a substantial conversation with. I mean, I know a select few, but they're the people whom I've already known for so long. So they already know how my brain works.

But to find someone new, someone who doesn't know me as well, is kind of hard. I'd have to risk being thought of as someone who thinks so highly of herself, as someone who thinks she's a "smartass", and the like.

Where is this one person whom I can share thoughts about life with. Okay alam ko ang emo and ang cheesy. But seriously. Aren't we all looking for someone like this? Actually, we don't always have to talk about things that make sense. I'm looking for someone who can balance things out. Someone who can accept my weirdness and all the hang-ups in my life. I just need that one person who will be there.

Wait, no. I'm not "looking", I'm waiting. Even though I try so hard to distract myself from this thought, I can't help it. I'm at this point where my eyes are on the look out for someone.

Naks, nagdadalaga na. EMO. Landi. Haba ng hair.

Lahat na lang. Eh walang basagan ng trip. Come on, this is the first time I'm proclaiming to the world that I'm like this. Yes, there's another, softer side to me.

I'm not writing this to "pick up guys" or whatever. It's just something I need to let out in the form of typewritten words. It's something I can ponder on even more because it's different when I say it out loud. This is semi-spontaneous, something I can press the backspace on. If I were to say this in person, it wouldn't be as proper/formal.

Why? Because this is something I take seriously. I'm a sensitive person. I'm sure everyone is, but only to some extent. We all have our limits. But one thing I hate about myself, is how easily I fall for/like someone who immediately shows attention to me.

Sometimes I just want to jump off a cliff just so I could get a grip. Like, I just need one hard slap on the face to wake up. Right now, I don't really want to think about what if's and why's and how's, but it tortures me that I'm an over-thinker.

Then again, we're all scared animals here. In one loud gunshot, we get caught off our guards, freeze, and run away. We're HUMAN. We get hurt, we live on, we get hurt again, we become happy, and it's one big "HURT" cycle. Why? It's proof that we're living. It's one of the most bitter, yet fair slaps on our faces that we are still able to breathe, walk and talk.

Cliche, but if you fall, you stand up again. THAT'S LIFE. It's the norm. It's still inside "the box" which we've all been mentally constraining ourselves in. So why are we so scared to feel this way?

Someone told me that I'm too in love with the thought of being in love. Maybe. But love is beautiful. I haven't experienced it, but I just think it is. I think it's the ultimate test for us humans to see how hard we'd all work to save something we need/desperately want.

This is officially THE most cheesy thing I have ever written, in my whole fucking life. Hahaha whatever.

Well, I'm actually writing this during my CSB Life class. Aaaand it's almost over so okay.

Cigarette

His usual routine:

Open the window, check to see if anyone can see him from below, and then he lights his cigarette. This man may seem shady, but all he wanted was some time to get away and breathe. Ironic, but it was the only way.

A puff of smoke clouds his vision and he closes his eyes as he inhales the rest of it deep in his lungs. Ah, yes. It's the feeling that tranquilizes his nerves. He opens his eyes and looks at the view.

What view? His apartment is right beside this big, boring white building that seemed to never end. How attractive. But being in this state, he has no other choice but to soak in the cracks and the dirty rain marks on the building's facade. He's learning how to see details and how to make them seem like the bigger deal in what people thought of as an ugly sight.

He likes that feeling--knowing that he's the only one who could see that. But he did wish to share it with someone because he knew there was more to the view outside his window.

He thought, if people just stuck their heads out of the window far enough, they'd see a piece of his city's skyline, and just a glimpse of the warm orange sky that slowly faded into what seemed like a deep blue ocean.

He has so many ideas, but feels powerless and inadequate to execute them.
He has so much to offer, but it wasn't his time to share them.

He feels that satisfaction of being able to ponder on things that matter even for just two minutes. All it took was that little time to breathe, a cigarette, and that split second 'til the smoke dissipates into the air. In this fast-paced world, he wishes people would stop and do the same.


Now, what do you think of this man? First impressions can't always last.

Oh, People.

You know, some of them just don't understand what you're going through. So just stop wasting your time trying to explain to them whatever it is you want them to understand. You'll end up getting even more pissed off.

To the dude who thinks he's cool for showing me something that reminded me of my past, of that thing that hurt me the most, and of that time where I thought I hit rock bottom: Fuck. You. You don't know how much it hurts me that you can take that so lightly when even the thought of hurting myself makes me feel like dying. And you think that's a laughing matter? Wow.

Give that douche bag a round of applause.

And to the guy who barely knows me and keeps assuming my feelings: Fuck you too. Just stay away from me and grow some balls. No wait, in Betty White's words "GROW A VAGINA." At this point, the way a woman's mind works will REMAIN a mystery to you. Good luck.

WHY. Why do people like that live in this world? WAHAHA just kidding. If they didn't, I wouldn't even be able to think and learn about things like RESPECT, EMPATHY, COMPASSION, and CONCERN for fellow human beings who are going through tough times.

.__.

Junessa for president. Woo.

It's surprising I haven't screamed rainbows of cusses at their faces.