Well, that's what you call "life".

I like car rides. I get to see a part of the never-ending earth and the vast sky all framed in the windshield of our car, just like a photograph. It's fascinating to see something that moves while the other simply stays in place. With that thought, I always look up. At least I know something's going to stay forever.

Despite the idiocy of Philippine pedestrians, I love seeing them go about their daily lives, just walking towards their destination, conversing with the person they're with, lighting up a cigarette, and simply going forward.

Oh well, those are just random thoughts.

My friend phoned me about an hour ago and she told me the good news. Geraldine Fajardo, one of my good friends, passed the amazingly-hard-but-can-easily-mind-fuck-you-into-thinking-that-it's-easy transferee exam of the Ateneo de Manila University! (lol that was a mouthful) Congratulations, buddy. I feel like a proud momma. Go and reprezent, you bitch <3 #gangsterfeel (yeah I like hash tags now)

(I know you're reading this because obviously, I linked it to you, but yeah just read it like you didn't know I wrote about you.)

My initial response to that was shouting a bajillion OHMYGOD's to the phone, not caring whether the neighbors can hear me, because I was so thrilled for my friend.

And then I felt a sudden jolt of panic and depression right after I put down the phone. I went outside to get a glass of water. It wasn't enough, so I went inside my mom's room and told her the good news. She simply stared at me, probably knowing how I really felt. I laid down beside her, she hugged me, and I cried.

Don't get me wrong, I'm genuinely happy for my friend. Really. But I'm not happy for myself. I suddenly didn't know what I wanted, I felt torn, and I felt scared about this huge risk I'm about to take.

Well, one, it's because I don't know if I have a definite future even though the career I want to pursue is in demand. BUT that's exactly why I'm scared. Since everyone's into it (photography), how the fuck can I stand out? How. The. Fuck. Will. I. Succeed. In. Life. Knowing that this is all I'm good at, and I don't have other back up plans.

Well, as you all know (at least for those who actually read my shit), I really wanted to get into ADMU; but my dad had different plans for me. Obviously, I can't argue with him. He didn't even let me submit my application even though I already took the exam. So our family put our whole trust in this idiot who said he'd take care of everything (I was applying for UPD-CFA) because he thinks he's the freaking boss of this universe. OUR MISTAKE, because this shit brain couldn't even count to three.

I ended up crying my guts out because I thought I was going to end up in this situation:

1. Drop out of college.

2. Spend all day, everyday in the gym.

3. Get a job as a stripper.

4. Become a porn star.

5. Hugh Hefner won't want to take me in.

6. I end up as a homeless bitch.

Yeah I have a vivid imagination, in case you haven't noticed.

The thing with risks is, you don't live life without taking some of them. I keep telling myself before that I will succeed in life, I will be known for what I love to do, and it will be the reason why I will keep on living in the future. Sure, taking up this course (and that's the other thing, I'm not sure yet if I'm gonna get in but they say it's easy but I don't wanna take it for granted) might limit my options in the future, but life will never be fun if you only walk on a smooth, clean, and wide road that's been paved for you.

Walking on a tightrope will be a challenge, but nothing will beat the thrill of going through it; the fear of almost falling and recovering your balance, the moment when you actually do fall and hang on for your dear life and getting back up again, and the fulfilling feeling of taking the last few steps to the end of the rope and actually finishing walking through that bitch.

Once you get to the end of that tightrope, you will thank yourself for not letting go. At the end, everybody's watching you, eager to give you a big round of applause because they're so amazed and proud of you. And because not everyone can do what you just did, you're a pot of gold. You're priceless. You're golden. You're up and above and nobody can bring you down.

My mom (though she can be a psychotic witch sometimes) made me realize that. She knows what I want and she backs me up on it. Maybe she knows that I will succeed. As long as someone like her (though she's wired to think that way) believes in me, I'm safe and good to go.

That tightrope? Well, that's what you call "life".

(life's a bitch kbye)