Still Fucked

Well, I just feel confused. That's all. Even though I know what to do, I still have a hard time doing it. What's that? Accepting the way things are.

After that episode of mine, I got to take a break for at least four days. Actually, just two. People who I didn't want to see showed up in the middle of my four-day break, which kind of defeats the whole point of the fucking "break". So now we're down to just two days. Which really isn't a break. I might as well just call it a weekend.

FML.

It's not that I don't respect them, but I just don't like them at the moment. I don't know when I'll stop disliking them, but for now, let's just say.. It's going to be for a while.

What I hate about this arrangement is that it will forever be temporary. I will keep on going back to reality, or rather, being locked up here in my room writing sad stories about my life that nobody gives a fuck about. The solution to that iiis.. (drum roll) DING! mother fucking ACCEPTANCE.

You know the line, "Eh ganyan na talaga yan eh." It bothers me so much. If I can accept and change the way I am, why can't people do the same for me? I have a whole life ahead of me. I'm still young, but I'm afraid if they keep on "being that way" for the rest of my life, I'm going to fucking age. And get wrinkles at the age of 20. BUT NO. They can't do the same for me because they're fucking old and senile.

I've been wanting to stand on my own for so long, but I've been doing it all wrong this whole time. I didn't want to rely on anybody, and look where that got me. I ended up becoming everybody's burden. I didn't want anybody to worry about me because I kept on thinking they already have problems of their own, and the last thing I would want to be is to become part of what they have to think about.

I've had that mentality for so long, and like what people say, "A person can only take so much." Each person has his own emotional wage, and apparently, mine is fucking weak.

Tell me though, how can I not give in to this pressure? How can I remain completely sane for the rest of my fucked up life when I have to live with these people?

It's not fun T__T It's not fun to have to watch out for yourself all the time, for fear that you might lose your mind again. It's not fun to be like this.

I really, really, really want to say that I want to fucking give up, but I can't.

Some people might even think that my problem is shallow and that my thoughts and actions are immature, petty, and "OA". Well, yeah, I know it is. Is it? Idk. Whatever.

I'm human too. Just give me some space. I just realized that I'm "mentally" claustrophobic.