Fine. Goodbye.

It was my fault after all. I didn't get to save what was left. I was already beginning to feel like everything was going to fall apart. Then BAM, it happened. My laptop died on me. My harddrive, to be specific. Even if you're not a photographer, you'd have a lot of shit that you'd cry over when your old laptop suddenly dies on you.

This happened to me years ago. I cried for three straight hours hahahahaha. Pictures are so sentimental to me. They just mean a lot. Even if I don't know the people in the photos, I still have a hard time letting go. My photographs are just really special to me. Every single one.

I just.. Don't know how to react to this. HAHAHA =))) Akala mo namatayan, eh 'no.

I think it's a sign that I should just start over. With everything. Again. Back to square one. Clean slate. Bleached. 99.9% no bacteria kind of clean. Ugh.

Fml.

And well, life has been fucking with me this week. So much. I'm so drained. I just want this load off my shoulders. Thank God for friends who are willing to listen, for family, and just.. For being able to write and let out feelings. Jesus.

A Fuck.

Currently in a fucked up state. So fucked up, I don't know how even more fucked up I can get. Fuck :D LOL okay I'm in school and I'm waiting for myself to get filmed for our project. Speaking of that project, it's a fucking hassle. Fuck that shit, we're gonna get a mother fucking high score on that shit. ajofhodkjfoasjklsdhfjlsdhfhslf

Hi. I don't know what to do anymore. Where do I go from here. I am so.. Well, you got it. I'm fucked up :) ajksdaklueiowadlasudklasjd

Realizations

I'm tired of everything. So tired, I feel like I'm starting to not give a fuck. I don't know if that's better or not, but I'm not usually like this. I do tend to care a lot. But now, I'm used to all the bullshit happening in my life. Haha. Try to surprise me with something new--something that would actually ruin my day, something that would actually make me laugh and gasp for air, or something that would just make me feel okay.

I want to feel.
I want to feel the surge of life in me. Anything.
I just want to wake up.

Non-stop shit happening back at home, all the drama happening here in school.. I guess I'm just learning to move on. I'll just think of it as me, finally knowing my priorities as a college student.

I just want to bury myself with schoolwork. But at the same time, I don't want to feel detached from the outside world. HAHA you wish, Junessa. True, that would be hard.

I don't know why I'm like this. My head's just clouded with a bajillion things, to the point where I don't even know where to begin anymore. Worst part is, I don't know how everything's going to end.

A couple of days ago, I completely lost myself. Maybe that's why. I don't know where to pick myself up. All I can say is, that was so not me. I did need a break, and it was fun. But still, that wasn't me.

So okay, I was just randomly typing everything when I began to realize things. There. I feel... Depressed. About myself, life, people. Ugh. I need to snap out of this. It's making me feel dead.

Attraction

A sheet of soft, red velvet is covering what seems to be a box--pleasant to touch, but the edges may cause harm.

Everything can be deceiving.

What if you give in to curiosity.
What if your eyes are actually fooling you.
What if you look underneath the sheet.

Personify that image in your head. Who do you see?

The analogy with the book is overrated.
The mirror is too much for the vain.
And the prejudice you get? It's the cherry on top.

How would you describe a person who's so hard to get a read on?
How could you tell what he's thinking?

Indeed, it's confusing. Frustrating, even.
Being clouded with these thoughts can take hours,
and hours before it clears out.
It's because you crave for an answer.

Where is it?

It's inside his head. A place where you cannot enter.

And you're left alone.
Standing in front of that box covered with a mantle of red velvet.
Attracted, curious, excited, frustrated.

Prejudiced.

The Pressure of Perfection

Isn't it annoying when people expect a lot from you? Especially when you think like you'll never be good enough. Oftentimes, you're suffocated, you're always competitive, you feel alone, and once you fuck things up, you're as good as dead.

I'm a human being who still has a lot to learn about life. I'm young. I don't want to be kept inside a cage where people can just throw rocks at me while telling me not to shout and cringe in pain. It's hard to deal with this kind pressure--the pressure of perfection.

I see life differently. I interpret things in the most colourful ways possible. I'm extra sensitive, and I think I'm turning bipolar. Don't they see it's not healthy?--to be reminded that "I'm their last chance" and "I'm their last hope"? Seriously. I'm just in college. What could happen. HAHA suuuure. But come on. I'm not that kind of person. I have morals and principles that I (so far, and will) stick to.

People make mistakes. Sure, they have bad effects, but we learn from them. They're merely temporary situations. As human beings, we are resilient. We are able to heal with time. Though time alone is tantamount to the bitter reality we have to face, it's still our choice whether to look at it from the positive or negative side.

It's what we can do to make our time useful. Like what I said waaaay back, it's what we do with the pain we feel. We always have a choice.

Yeah, I know.

"You're getting fat."

Seriously. I do not want to go back to how I was back in 2010 (more than 125 lbs.). Damn this. HAHAHA my roommate saw me while I was taking my pants off a while ago and she said, "Hey, your thighs are getting kind of big."

Fuck. =)) I already got down to 109 two months ago. And now, I feel like I'm back to 115, which is the weight where I do not want to be in because from there, I know it's going to get harder because there will be a tendency to eat more because I DO NOT FUCKING KNOW. I mean, I know how my body works. And I can sort of estimate my weight even though I don't have a weighing scale because I used to weigh a lot. Like, A LOT. When I wake up in the morning, before I sleep, after I take a dump, yeah. All the time. I know, TMI. But whatever, it's not like the whole world reads my blog. =)))

Ugh. Okay. This is it. I will go back to the way I was a few months ago starting TOMORROW, November 14, 2012. This is it, Junessa. HAHAHAHA.

I'll just lose all this fucking fat first before I hit the gym. Bleh.

Seriously, I don't even know how I got down to 109 before. Damn. I wasn't even trying. I'm not bragging, but I didn't even notice it. I already thought I was eating a lot before, but now.. I seriously feel like my skin is thicker, I feel heavier and basically, I just feel and look fat.

Logic

This is not helping.

To the people who keep giving me advice, thank you. But what I don't understand is, you guys keep telling me to do things that (supposedly) won't hurt me.

I wonder how that feels. I wonder how much hurt I can take in.

If you look at it from my perspective, your curiosity would act up real bad because you don't have "first hand experience". How would I learn if I haven't experienced it yet? I will remain oblivious to the truth. I will forever be prejudiced by my own friends'/family's opinions. How will I learn to trust my own instincts.

I know getting hurt is not exactly something to look forward to, or something I should be happy about. I just want to learn. I want to feel it for myself. Call me a sadist, but, i'd rather hurt than be numb forever.

And what happens if I get hurt for real after being sheltered from everything? Won't that be worse?

I don't fucking know. Whatever. Fuck this.

Should I keep going and find out my limits? Or should I just stop because everyone says so?

Ugh, talk about peer pressure. HAHA.