Faith

When I gave up on myself, a lot of people around me got so disappointed, to the point that even they gave up on me. They promised that they'd always be there, and that I can always talk to them whenever I needed someone to talk to.

The thing is, I always get criticised and put down whenever I speak to them about whatever it is I feel. Can't they see that my way of thinking is distorted? A.K.A. I'm pretty fucked up. Haha! And obviously, I've done a lot of research about my condition because I'd want to gain further understanding about whatever's happening to me, since I can't go to a professional who can explain everything to me in detail. And they think going to a psychiatrist won't help/would be pointless because.. I honestly don't know why. =))

I'm sick of looking at this from the emotional point of view. I know there's something scientific about my condition. Sure, blame me for becoming like this, but there's always a reason behind it. The main thing though, it's because I've been hiding so much negative emotions for such a long time and I wasn't able to let it out in a healthy manner. Count all the years of trauma from losing a father figure, and deprivation of explanations of what's happening, BAM, you get Junessa Rendon.

So last night, my mom and I had an argument about religion, FOR THE NTH TIME. She kept saying that she just can't understand and accept the fact that my generation isn't as religious as she was/is. I simply told her that I wasn't ready to accept God wholly. I don't want to force myself to become religious and end up sinning more because I'm such a poser.

I try, you know. In my own little way. I go to church every sunday and serve in our parish choir. I even talk to Him occasionally in a casual manner whenever I'm alone. But my mom doesn't know that. Does she need to? Do I need to tell her every single religiously-related thing I do? NO. That's between me and God. I find it personal. Okay? Okay.

She keeps comparing me to herself ALL THE TIME. Like, she kept saying that she doesn't dwell on her problems, and that she was taught to be strong and shit. And I'm like.. Sorry, I was only taught to keep my mouth shut so that World War III wouldn't happen. Nobody ever cared about how I felt about a certain situation because they all assumed that I can handle it, even at a really young age. I was taught to be numb until I couldn't handle it anymore. And my breaking point was when my dad came back to live with us again two years ago. That's where it all just.. lefgyidcfouedaisudoas

WELL, now she thinks of me as a person possessed by an evil spirit that sucks out all the happiness and life left in me. What a religious being you are, dear mother. Lol. Instead of respecting my own religious views, you always think of the most malicious and evil things ever. All the time. Admit it. AND she even said that the reason why I'm like this is because I'm not religious. lksjadjbhjsvgytcduaosidl. There's a fine line between being religious and superstitious. Kbye.

She kind of said that because I blurted out the statement: "God can't cure me."

HOLD UP.

(lol defensive-ness but honestly this is what I meant)
I DIDN'T MEAN IT IN THE "I don't have faith" SENSE. Fuck. My wording was just totally wrong. I mean, God can't help me (not technically), not my mom, not my sisters, not my aunt, not even my boyfriend. Only I can help myself. It still boils down to ME. And I can't even help myself. That's why it's so difficult. My condition has become an addiction. Which is totally sick and wrong, I know, but yeah, IT'S LIKE THAT.

Now she thinks I'm an atheist or something.
Great. Good job, Junessa.

OKAY going back to my condition, I have acknowledged that I am too fucked up for my own good THEREFORE, I have decided to seek professional help. My aunt's got my back on this and my boyfriend's going to go with me during my sessions, and I think my mom just doesn't want to talk anymore, and I think my siblings.. Well idk anymore because they don't talk to me as often as before.

Alright. It's time to face the long list of issues I have to resolve.

I can foresee that this will be a LOOONG road to recovery and I'm totally terrified but whatever. I would love to feel like a normal human being again.