9:51 AM Thoughts

I saw this disturbing image on facebook the other day, and I just had to share it because I got to relate to it so much. It was a comic strip, relaying the story of a dog, wondering if his master was successful in his attempt to "fly". And indeed, the attempt was a success, because the comic strip showed the image of feet that seemed to be floating.

The scene progressed, and the dog's owner was already hanging from his ceiling fan--dead.

In just a few frames, that comic strip bluntly defined what it feels like to have depression--that, no matter how many reasons you have to be happy, you just can't. Even if you have a billion, or even just one, you lose all sense of lightness and joy. You eventually just lose your will to live and, well, you give up on the world, and on yourself.

Last night, I almost had an episode. And I was so scared of what I could've done. I suddenly had urges to pull my hair out, scream and run around, cry, hurt myself with the first thing I saw (which was a twig so it'll never work so okay haha), and even hurt someone I love. I needed to see blood in order to feel calm again.

Of course I did none of those because I was in public (but at that time, I didn't give a fuck) and I was trying to get a grip of myself. I ended up chain smoking. Hahaha. Okay. Well that sort of helped, since I smoked one stick in less than two minutes. And while I was smoking, I was giving everyone around me death glares which made my whole body twitch like a fucker.

After the whole situation was resolved, I realized that my thoughts were just NOT normal. At all. I literally felt like I was going crazy. I kept saying things like, "kailangan kong magpakamatay (I need to die)" and "ayoko na ayoko na (I don't want this anymore)".

I was even pacing from one end of the hallway to the other, not blinking, not feeling the pain of my eyes that were drying up, not thinking about what other people could've been thinking. I was just walking back and forth, silently, and I was completely dazed and out of my element.

Well, that was creepy. Haha.