To my family:

Due to recent events, I did what I had to do--scream. I didn't have the words to express what I felt and I didn't want all of you to see me in that state. Being fresh from the visit, I just felt so raw. Throwing colorful cusses all over the place didn't even enter my mind. I know I've made everyone worry, knowing that I'm very "unstable". I apologize for being like this. But I hope you understand.

To be honest, I can't help but feel, in mom's words. I can't help but hurt for all of you, and feel anger towards my father. I just can't stand the fact that he treats everyone like that. I hope you understand that. I know that I shouldn't be doing this to myself, but I love you all too much.

YES, everyone, ya'll don't have to remind me that I'm not the most unluckiest person on earth (or in this family). I perfectly know that. If I act as if I'm such a victim, which you guys perceive 99% of the time, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being like this. Terribly, terribly sorry. I'm sorry to myself as well, because I know it's not healthy.

I'm sorry for shutting you all out. Maybe it was because I thought I had already given up on myself.

I just hope you guys won't judge me, and you all would accept the fact that this is an ultra-mega slow process  of recovery. Yes, there are days where I feel very hopeful, but there are also times where I get tired and everything just relapses, and I have to go back to square 1. I mean, I just wish I could wake up one day and say, "HEY, I'TS A MIRACLE. I HAVE NO WORRIES, WHATSOEVER, AND I AM HAPPY, AND I LOVE MYSELF." But.. No.

I worry for everyone, I am unhappy and anxious about the fact that I have to see dad every week, and no, I do not love myself. It's difficult to be this way. It's difficult to get out of it. But at least I know, someday I can get better.

You know, sometimes I wish that I can just pretend to be okay so all of you wouldn't have to worry about me, but i'd be digging my own grave if I start doing that. Again.

I hope all of you can understand that I'd like to recover slowly, BUT surely. I don't want to leave traces, just because everyone's in a rush for me to become normal again. And to be honest, I felt like giving up on myself before because I did feel rushed. I felt pressured, as if there was a time limit. Like, I had to conform to someone's rules again, and if I don't conform, of course, I fail. And I honestly thought I was going to.

This short summer break helped me. At least somehow, you guys have understood even just a fraction of how I see things, and how things work. Or is it just me.. I don't know, but I hope you guys understand me even just a little bit.

P.S.: Please support me in my clean eating venture. HAHA. I like eating fruits and vegetables. I am willing to eat ampalaya, but NOT okra. Too gross. I hope someday, even with my annoying schedule this term, I can cook for everyone.

I say violent no's to fast food, (unfortunately) to cake/cupcakes, to milk chocolate, noodles, anything high in sodium/carbs/sugar. Btw, white bread is "fear food" for me. I shun white bread. I also like whole grain cereals (Fitnesse or Go Lean!) and almonds, but they're both pricey. So okay.. Sad. But yes, I do love eating those. HAHA WISH LIST ANG PEG. But I'm just saying..

I also fear any type of food that bloats my stomach too much. The bloat I get when I eat fruits VS a meal with hard core white rice is different, yes.

Why did I start clean eating? It's better than starving, than.. "that", if you know what I mean, yes, that gross thing, and I think this is a big solution to my condition :)

I love you guys. And I will never replace all of you for anything or anyone else in this world. I have only one family, and only one to love. Thank you for everything.