This Fear

I don't even know where to begin. This whole time, I've been in denial. I've been keeping this in for so long. And to finally be face to face with this. To finally let it out. To finally ask for help. Even scream and beg for help--to let myself be this vulnerable when I already was to begin with.

I am, undoubtedly, terrified.

I hear and feel all the support from the people around me. Right now, there's really no reason to hide the fact that I'm sick, because I am. But then, this is also the time that I will know who truly cares about me.

And the fact that since a handful of people already know what's going on, their treatment towards me changed. Let me get something straight; I do not want to be pitied, and most of all, I do not want to be a liability to everyone around me, just because they think they have to watch over me. Just because I'm sick.

I do not want to be a burden.

The thought of not wanting to get better just so I won't see the people I care about suffer in front of me always enters my mind. But then I want to get better. I don't want to be angry anymore. I just want to be normal again.

A couple of days ago, literally, the first thing I saw in the morning when I woke up, was my crying mother. At that moment, I knew that she already knows what's going on. I didn't want to tell her because typically, she'll start blaming herself for everything. How can I make her understand that I didn't become like this because of her? That image, my dear reader, is (for lack of better words) FUCKED UP.

This thing that's happening to me--let's just say that it's already a part of me. If I force myself to get better, it's tantamount to amputating a limb from my body. Yes, it's that difficult. To the point that I have to go through an emotionally and mentally scarring cycle every time I feel like it's going to happen again.

When does it happen? Everyday. It's pure torture.

It's only now that I've come to realize how bad this is. I mean, I've already done my research, but the mental effect is NOTHING like the things I've read before. Sure, I've heard similar stories and they scared the shit out of me. But if you were to put yourself in my place, even you couldn't understand what's going on.

It's like you've been living a lie. It's like a different person has taken over you. It's like you just don't want to get better anymore.

People who are like me all have back stories. We have reasons as to why we do this/why it happened. It's complicated because most people just look at what they see on the surface. They don't have enough initiative to dig deeper so they would understand. And we end up being hated and laughed at.

If you happen to be one of those people, let me tell you something; don't get angry at us. Don't hate people like us. We are definitely NOT superficial beings. We look at things differently, and it's always on the heavier and darker side.

The jokes I had to live with for a while because people didn't know, really did hurt me deep inside. But then, they don't know anything. I didn't have the right, nor the strength to get angry at them. Ignorance is indeed bliss.

Now I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm just.. Exhausted. But I have to keep fighting. I can't even explain how difficult it is to keep going.

I'll end this with a message for the people who know what's going on:
I just don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be treated differently. I want to be normal, just like all of you. I sincerely thank all of you for all the support you guys have been giving me, and for not leaving me alone. If ever you see me just sitting in one corner, crying, shaking, and silent, don't ask me what's wrong because you already know why. And i'd be too weak to answer any questions. Just a pat, a hug. You can even hold my hand. That's enough. Any other action would be the death of me. And please, don't force me to do the one thing I'm currently having difficulty in doing. It's difficult enough to try and stop myself from doing the other thing. Ang labo no? Haha.

Believe me, I am ashamed of what I am right now. But I have to put it out there so I can get better.

Now I'm going to let people in.