Can I just say...

...That, here I am, lying on my soft bed, buried under fluffy pillows, with my laptop on top of a pillow on my lap, waiting for a miracle to happen.

For five (or six) years, I have been so thirsty to prove to everyone, and to myself, that I can be a famous photographer some day.

My feeble attempts are as follows:
- I tried to look "pro" while using a Sony digital point and shoot camera.
- I tried to look even more "pro" while I lugged around my first ever DSLR everywhere I went, even though it was an extremely heavy piece of jewelry to hang around my neck.
- I actually read my camera's manual, and I studied what "ISO" and "Aperture" meant and what those were for, and immediately ignored the camera's auto shit.
- I told myself to stop being intimidated by my own camera, and I decided to go full-on MANUAL mode, just so I could finally learn.
- I sold a few prints back in my high school sophomore days.
- I tried to look waaaaay more "pro" when I got my 60D, minus the "lugging everywhere" thing, because it was heavier. Still on manual mode. But I got lazier, and I sometimes go to P for quick shots.
- I ridiculously attempted to do the 365 Project, and failed twice in a row.
- I, in turn, have turned into an extremely vain person because I kept on practicing how to take photos of people on myself.
- I made an embarrassing fan page with my complete name displayed right there.
- I became part of this amazing group called Pipe Dreams, where I am one of the two photographers in the group. It's a small "business", so yeah. (lol ring me if you're reading this and you're interested)


Why did I just say all of that?

Maybe it's because the world's population is divided into two when it comes to art. 20% of them will believe in you, and the rest will keep doubting you, judging you, and they will always try to pull you down. Even if you try so hard to prove them wrong.

I used to be so jealous of those photographers in Flickr who got featured on the "Explore" page. I have long admired the billboards of foreign & local brands, trying to figure out how they took the shot, instead of looking at the clothes/what they were selling. I've been trying so hard to remember and memorize a bunch of local photographers' names and styles, and they have become my indirect teachers. 99.9% of my computer's memory is dedicated to more than a year's worth of photos from pseudo shoots and random daily snapshots. My money goes to (actually, mostly food) buying magazines every month just so I could look at photos from photographers whom I look up to (Hello Bj Pascual, Roy Macam, Jo Ann Bitagcol, Mark Nicdao and Seven Barretto... And everybody else in the universe).

I could go on and on about me dreaming about when my time will come. Personally, I know I am SOOO not yet ready for whatever's out there. Slowly though, I am beginning to creep out of my shell. I crave so much for more experience. I don't care if it's a slow-paced dream. I want this so bad. I want it to be the reason why I live, and at the same time, I want, and need, to live to do it.

Some photographs are meant to evoke specific feelings from a person. See? This type of art makes people feel better about themselves. It can make them open their eyes to the truth, horrible or not. It's effective, it has impact. It can cure someone's sullenness, or it can make someone hope for something better. Nowadays, we need more of that, because people don't seem to care anymore. Some people speak condescendingly of art as if it's nonsensical and  shallow, especially photography. I beg to disagree. Of course.

It may be hard to make a living out of it, but come to think of it, I take photographs because I want to, not because I want to be rich. If the money and the fame comes as a bonus, then thanks. I really appreciate it. But actually, we photographers stake our lives for something that is so inconsistent and indefinite. It's riskier than pursuing fashion, or crossing a tight rope. If you don't get clients, you're dead. Screw one shoot up, it's over. Maybe. I don't know. It's all a gamble.

It would be a fearsome thing to do if you're pessimistic like me. I know, I know. "In the first place, photography should only be a sideline. Go corporate." Oh God, hearing that is a pet peeve. I can't even begin to explain how.. UGH okay. Whatever. Why in the world would I want to walk around in an office wearing a polo and a tight pencil skirt. And a 9-5 job? Not for me.

Okay listen up. Photography is not merely a hobby for me. It is my passion, my goal, and my future career. I dream of doing spreads for local, foreign, and high end magazines and seeing my name printed beside "Photographer" smack dab in the middle of those glossy pages that smell of freshly printed paper. I aim to immortalize the faces of legends and portray how awesome they are. I want to become a story teller in one simple glance. I wish to become a master of my craft.

Oh the list goes on, I tell you. I'm not the only one who wishes for these things. Thank God I'm not alone, because I seem so obsessed with this. But hey, I just really love it.

I was inspired to write my thoughts about this because of Elisa Aquino. She's influenced me so much. I've been reading her blog and I found out that we have a bunch of similar thoughts about our passion. She's very hardworking and because of that, she gets what she wants without owing anybody anything. All of the things she finally got are all fruits of her labor and love. And the opportunities just keep flowing in! Not only that, but she's got a bucket full of pure talent. Period. Wow. I wish I can be like that.

You know what? I can, and I will. Someday. Not now, but my time will come. All I need to do is go out and shoot some more. Soon, my hard drive will blow up. Loljk.

I should probably stop blabbering now. I always get excited and overwhelmed by what I have to face whenever I look at good photos. Which is all the time. So.. Yeah.

I'm on the verge of having a massive migraine, and I should really stop. Kbye.