It's rare to find people whom you can have a substantial conversation with. I mean, I know a select few, but they're the people whom I've already known for so long. So they already know how my brain works.
But to find someone new, someone who doesn't know me as well, is kind of hard. I'd have to risk being thought of as someone who thinks so highly of herself, as someone who thinks she's a "smartass", and the like.
Where is this one person whom I can share thoughts about life with. Okay alam ko ang emo and ang cheesy. But seriously. Aren't we all looking for someone like this? Actually, we don't always have to talk about things that make sense. I'm looking for someone who can balance things out. Someone who can accept my weirdness and all the hang-ups in my life. I just need that one person who will be there.
Wait, no. I'm not "looking", I'm waiting. Even though I try so hard to distract myself from this thought, I can't help it. I'm at this point where my eyes are on the look out for someone.
Naks, nagdadalaga na. EMO. Landi. Haba ng hair.
Lahat na lang. Eh walang basagan ng trip. Come on, this is the first time I'm proclaiming to the world that I'm like this. Yes, there's another, softer side to me.
I'm not writing this to "pick up guys" or whatever. It's just something I need to let out in the form of typewritten words. It's something I can ponder on even more because it's different when I say it out loud. This is semi-spontaneous, something I can press the backspace on. If I were to say this in person, it wouldn't be as proper/formal.
Why? Because this is something I take seriously. I'm a sensitive person. I'm sure everyone is, but only to some extent. We all have our limits. But one thing I hate about myself, is how easily I fall for/like someone who immediately shows attention to me.
Sometimes I just want to jump off a cliff just so I could get a grip. Like, I just need one hard slap on the face to wake up. Right now, I don't really want to think about what if's and why's and how's, but it tortures me that I'm an over-thinker.
Then again, we're all scared animals here. In one loud gunshot, we get caught off our guards, freeze, and run away. We're HUMAN. We get hurt, we live on, we get hurt again, we become happy, and it's one big "HURT" cycle. Why? It's proof that we're living. It's one of the most bitter, yet fair slaps on our faces that we are still able to breathe, walk and talk.
Cliche, but if you fall, you stand up again. THAT'S LIFE. It's the norm. It's still inside "the box" which we've all been mentally constraining ourselves in. So why are we so scared to feel this way?
Someone told me that I'm too in love with the thought of being in love. Maybe. But love is beautiful. I haven't experienced it, but I just think it is. I think it's the ultimate test for us humans to see how hard we'd all work to save something we need/desperately want.
This is officially THE most cheesy thing I have ever written, in my whole fucking life. Hahaha whatever.
Well, I'm actually writing this during my CSB Life class. Aaaand it's almost over so okay.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Friday, October 12, 2012
Cigarette
His usual routine:
Open the window, check to see if anyone can see him from below, and then he lights his cigarette. This man may seem shady, but all he wanted was some time to get away and breathe. Ironic, but it was the only way.
A puff of smoke clouds his vision and he closes his eyes as he inhales the rest of it deep in his lungs. Ah, yes. It's the feeling that tranquilizes his nerves. He opens his eyes and looks at the view.
What view? His apartment is right beside this big, boring white building that seemed to never end. How attractive. But being in this state, he has no other choice but to soak in the cracks and the dirty rain marks on the building's facade. He's learning how to see details and how to make them seem like the bigger deal in what people thought of as an ugly sight.
He likes that feeling--knowing that he's the only one who could see that. But he did wish to share it with someone because he knew there was more to the view outside his window.
He thought, if people just stuck their heads out of the window far enough, they'd see a piece of his city's skyline, and just a glimpse of the warm orange sky that slowly faded into what seemed like a deep blue ocean.
He has so many ideas, but feels powerless and inadequate to execute them.
He has so much to offer, but it wasn't his time to share them.
He feels that satisfaction of being able to ponder on things that matter even for just two minutes. All it took was that little time to breathe, a cigarette, and that split second 'til the smoke dissipates into the air. In this fast-paced world, he wishes people would stop and do the same.
Now, what do you think of this man? First impressions can't always last.
Open the window, check to see if anyone can see him from below, and then he lights his cigarette. This man may seem shady, but all he wanted was some time to get away and breathe. Ironic, but it was the only way.
A puff of smoke clouds his vision and he closes his eyes as he inhales the rest of it deep in his lungs. Ah, yes. It's the feeling that tranquilizes his nerves. He opens his eyes and looks at the view.
What view? His apartment is right beside this big, boring white building that seemed to never end. How attractive. But being in this state, he has no other choice but to soak in the cracks and the dirty rain marks on the building's facade. He's learning how to see details and how to make them seem like the bigger deal in what people thought of as an ugly sight.
He likes that feeling--knowing that he's the only one who could see that. But he did wish to share it with someone because he knew there was more to the view outside his window.
He thought, if people just stuck their heads out of the window far enough, they'd see a piece of his city's skyline, and just a glimpse of the warm orange sky that slowly faded into what seemed like a deep blue ocean.
He has so many ideas, but feels powerless and inadequate to execute them.
He has so much to offer, but it wasn't his time to share them.
He feels that satisfaction of being able to ponder on things that matter even for just two minutes. All it took was that little time to breathe, a cigarette, and that split second 'til the smoke dissipates into the air. In this fast-paced world, he wishes people would stop and do the same.
Now, what do you think of this man? First impressions can't always last.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Oh, People.
You know, some of them just don't understand what you're going through. So just stop wasting your time trying to explain to them whatever it is you want them to understand. You'll end up getting even more pissed off.
To the dude who thinks he's cool for showing me something that reminded me of my past, of that thing that hurt me the most, and of that time where I thought I hit rock bottom: Fuck. You. You don't know how much it hurts me that you can take that so lightly when even the thought of hurting myself makes me feel like dying. And you think that's a laughing matter? Wow.
Give that douche bag a round of applause.
And to the guy who barely knows me and keeps assuming my feelings: Fuck you too. Just stay away from me and grow some balls. No wait, in Betty White's words "GROW A VAGINA." At this point, the way a woman's mind works will REMAIN a mystery to you. Good luck.
WHY. Why do people like that live in this world? WAHAHA just kidding. If they didn't, I wouldn't even be able to think and learn about things like RESPECT, EMPATHY, COMPASSION, and CONCERN for fellow human beings who are going through tough times.
.__.
Junessa for president. Woo.
It's surprising I haven't screamed rainbows of cusses at their faces.
To the dude who thinks he's cool for showing me something that reminded me of my past, of that thing that hurt me the most, and of that time where I thought I hit rock bottom: Fuck. You. You don't know how much it hurts me that you can take that so lightly when even the thought of hurting myself makes me feel like dying. And you think that's a laughing matter? Wow.
Give that douche bag a round of applause.
And to the guy who barely knows me and keeps assuming my feelings: Fuck you too. Just stay away from me and grow some balls. No wait, in Betty White's words "GROW A VAGINA." At this point, the way a woman's mind works will REMAIN a mystery to you. Good luck.
WHY. Why do people like that live in this world? WAHAHA just kidding. If they didn't, I wouldn't even be able to think and learn about things like RESPECT, EMPATHY, COMPASSION, and CONCERN for fellow human beings who are going through tough times.
.__.
Junessa for president. Woo.
It's surprising I haven't screamed rainbows of cusses at their faces.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Well, FUCK IT.
Being a kid born in the 90's, I prefer celebrating my birthday with people. Not with some random expensive gadget thrown at me just because I want it. Sure, thanks, I do want a new Mac Book Pro, but.. I'd rather have the people I love, with even just a cupcake with one tiny candle stuck in it, be in front of me instead of a laptop screen. Okay fine, asking for the cupcake is too much. So I'd just have the people. Or if they can just mail a cupcake to me, that's fine too.
Wow, it's like I'm living somewhere far from the Philippines hahaha KAINIS.
The point is, I don't care if I get a new fucking laptop. I don't want it. It's been imprinted on my brain na hanggang pangarap na lang ang Mac Book Pro sa akin. So, talaga namang hindi ko na siya inaasahan. I can make-do with this netbook of mine (that I want to throw off a cliff). But, I'm a sentimental person. I believe in traditions.
To whoever read my blog about debuts, I now know what I finally want for my birthday.
Do I seem bratty? Just because I said "I DON'T WANT A NEW LAPTOP FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!" when they're freely giving it to me? Let me rephrase that. I don't want it, but if you're going to give it to me, thank you.
It's just that, I don't want a laptop to replace people. I'm already alone enough over here.
SO when my mom asked me if it was okay if we just don't celebrate my birthday, and she'll just give me a laptop instead, I was like... o__o I don't know. Whatever you want. I never really asked for something extravagant to happen during my birthday.
I just want to be with my family in the most hassle-free way possible, without spending a fuck load of cash, without me being the total center of attention, without drama, without her getting mad just because I didn't get to go to mass at 7 in the morning because it was my birthday, without her nagging me about Catholicism and how we should put God first before everything, without her getting EVEN MORE angry BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW ALL OF THAT.
Now that I think about it, I can predict what's going to happen during my 18th birthday. Lol. Mom's gonna get mad at me. What a surprise.
And now I know that's going to happen, I don't want to celebrate at all.
IT'S A FUCKING CYCLE.
I lived my whole life just following what mom says. So okay. Laptop it is. And I'm not allowed to show emotion to her because if I do, things will just get worse. Or I can be an actress now because I know how to play the psychotic kid, the silent one, the emotional daughter, and the "fake a smile but deep down I'm really fucked up" role.
Wow, it's like I'm living somewhere far from the Philippines hahaha KAINIS.
The point is, I don't care if I get a new fucking laptop. I don't want it. It's been imprinted on my brain na hanggang pangarap na lang ang Mac Book Pro sa akin. So, talaga namang hindi ko na siya inaasahan. I can make-do with this netbook of mine (that I want to throw off a cliff). But, I'm a sentimental person. I believe in traditions.
To whoever read my blog about debuts, I now know what I finally want for my birthday.
Do I seem bratty? Just because I said "I DON'T WANT A NEW LAPTOP FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!" when they're freely giving it to me? Let me rephrase that. I don't want it, but if you're going to give it to me, thank you.
It's just that, I don't want a laptop to replace people. I'm already alone enough over here.
SO when my mom asked me if it was okay if we just don't celebrate my birthday, and she'll just give me a laptop instead, I was like... o__o I don't know. Whatever you want. I never really asked for something extravagant to happen during my birthday.
I just want to be with my family in the most hassle-free way possible, without spending a fuck load of cash, without me being the total center of attention, without drama, without her getting mad just because I didn't get to go to mass at 7 in the morning because it was my birthday, without her nagging me about Catholicism and how we should put God first before everything, without her getting EVEN MORE angry BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW ALL OF THAT.
Now that I think about it, I can predict what's going to happen during my 18th birthday. Lol. Mom's gonna get mad at me. What a surprise.
And now I know that's going to happen, I don't want to celebrate at all.
IT'S A FUCKING CYCLE.
I lived my whole life just following what mom says. So okay. Laptop it is. And I'm not allowed to show emotion to her because if I do, things will just get worse. Or I can be an actress now because I know how to play the psychotic kid, the silent one, the emotional daughter, and the "fake a smile but deep down I'm really fucked up" role.
That Language Barrier
I've been living here at the dorm for three weeks. I have nice roommates but.. one of them is testing my patience. Well, it's true that "we can't have it all". But seriously. o__o
Let's call her "Ling". Ling's really nice and all. She's the motherly type (she is actually a mom of two kids, but they're back in China), but sometimes, she gets pretty annoying.
What bugs me the most is..
SHE'S NOT EVEN MY MOM AND SHE'S. FUCKING. NOSY.
Of course my real mom is having a blast knowing the fact that someone's sticking their fingers into my own personal business.
It's only been three weeks and I feel like Ling is getting too comfortable around me. I'm very territorial, so when someone steps into my personal space, I get pissed off easily. I mean, sure, no one would want to get their spaces invaded, but it's different for me. I literally can't stand it.
Same goes for when my mom or my sister wants to sleep on my already-small bed, WITH ME already in it. o__o They get angry because I get annoyed because the space is just enough for one person. It's a sweet thought, thinking that my mom/sister wants to sleep in the same bed with me, but.. The space. THE SPACE. If my bed was a king sized one, LET'S HAVE A FUCKING PARTY ON IT. SURE, INVITE EVERYONE. But my bed (back in QC) is literally for dwarfs. Or at least for stick-thin people who definitely won't fall off no matter what they do.
So okay, I'll be really honest. I hope whoever reads this will respect my "personal preferences".
1. I don't like people invading my personal space.
2. I don't want anyone asking me who I just spoke with right after I put the phone down because I swear, I'd snap at you and ask "WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CARE? IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. FUCK OFF."
FYI, Ling does #2. She does it all the fucking time. I want to break our windows with my own head because it pisses me off so much.
3. Ask me where I'm going? ARE YOU MY MOTHER?
4. Ask me WHY I'm wearing what I'm wearing? Just. Don't.
5. Ask me why I don't like the things I've mentioned? Get out of here before I break windows with your head.
In case you haven't noticed, I do have a tendency to talk in a really violent manner, but that's because as I write, I imagine how I would say and do these things in real life, even though I definitely can't do them. Do you get it? :\
So right now, you're reading real thoughts that aren't sugar-coated. This is THE SHIT that comes from my fucking brain.
ALRIGHT. Back to Ling.
Me and my other roommate share the same thoughts about her. We're can be saints now because we're so nice to her. But of course we can't because, well.. We're backstabbing her.
We don't know what to do. But for now, we're just trying to understand her.
Wish us luck .__.
Let's call her "Ling". Ling's really nice and all. She's the motherly type (she is actually a mom of two kids, but they're back in China), but sometimes, she gets pretty annoying.
What bugs me the most is..
SHE'S NOT EVEN MY MOM AND SHE'S. FUCKING. NOSY.
Of course my real mom is having a blast knowing the fact that someone's sticking their fingers into my own personal business.
It's only been three weeks and I feel like Ling is getting too comfortable around me. I'm very territorial, so when someone steps into my personal space, I get pissed off easily. I mean, sure, no one would want to get their spaces invaded, but it's different for me. I literally can't stand it.
Same goes for when my mom or my sister wants to sleep on my already-small bed, WITH ME already in it. o__o They get angry because I get annoyed because the space is just enough for one person. It's a sweet thought, thinking that my mom/sister wants to sleep in the same bed with me, but.. The space. THE SPACE. If my bed was a king sized one, LET'S HAVE A FUCKING PARTY ON IT. SURE, INVITE EVERYONE. But my bed (back in QC) is literally for dwarfs. Or at least for stick-thin people who definitely won't fall off no matter what they do.
So okay, I'll be really honest. I hope whoever reads this will respect my "personal preferences".
1. I don't like people invading my personal space.
2. I don't want anyone asking me who I just spoke with right after I put the phone down because I swear, I'd snap at you and ask "WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CARE? IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. FUCK OFF."
FYI, Ling does #2. She does it all the fucking time. I want to break our windows with my own head because it pisses me off so much.
3. Ask me where I'm going? ARE YOU MY MOTHER?
4. Ask me WHY I'm wearing what I'm wearing? Just. Don't.
5. Ask me why I don't like the things I've mentioned? Get out of here before I break windows with your head.
In case you haven't noticed, I do have a tendency to talk in a really violent manner, but that's because as I write, I imagine how I would say and do these things in real life, even though I definitely can't do them. Do you get it? :\
So right now, you're reading real thoughts that aren't sugar-coated. This is THE SHIT that comes from my fucking brain.
ALRIGHT. Back to Ling.
Me and my other roommate share the same thoughts about her. We're can be saints now because we're so nice to her. But of course we can't because, well.. We're backstabbing her.
We don't know what to do. But for now, we're just trying to understand her.
Wish us luck .__.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
October
Wow. Time flies. Only 3 months before Christmas. And a few weeks before my birthday.
Honestly, I don't even feel like celebrating my birthday. I don't know why, but yeah. I just don't.
I guess it's because I know i'll be at the dorm, away from my family and friends on the day of my birthday. Or maybe it's because I'm getting old. HAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK. :))
I'm only turning 18. People think it's some kind of a special age to turn into. They spend thousands just to celebrate it. I just think it's not anything special. And besides, I don't like being the center of attention. You know, with the sparkly dress, the guests I invited who aren't enjoying because I won't even get to entertain them all, I mean.. What's the point?
Not hating on traditional debutantes, but.. It's just not my thing, I guess. I've had a number of weird and awkward birthday celebrations. And now that I'm turning 18, everybody suddenly jumps up and goes crazy because "I'm turning 18"? I don't get it.
Birthday celebrations should be as fun and as special as debuts. Bakit ngayon lang?
Haha fuck this. I remember one of my birthday celebrations from when I was still in grade school. My mom invited my dad. Like, what the fuck. Seriously? Hahaha
Aaaaand idk. I'm just not in a happy disposition nor am I in the mood for celebrations. If it's some other person's birthday, sure, I'd be glad, but for my own? Idk. I just don't feel worthy of an extravagant (or at least something we don't usually do) celebration.
My mom's going cray trying to fish something out of me the other night. She kept asking me what I wanted for my birthday. So I asked myself: what did i fucking want?
I don't want them to spend large sums of money on me. I've already been such a burden to them, being the spoiled bunso and all. So, I just don't want them to go (even more) all out just because I'm turning 18.
I just don't deserve any of it.
I don't feel happy right now.
I don't want anything.
I don't know what i want.
I just don't know anymore.
See? Full of I's. I'm so selfish and self-centered. When will I stop and just fucking learn and grow up.
18. What's so special about that? It will pass. It always does.
Honestly, I don't even feel like celebrating my birthday. I don't know why, but yeah. I just don't.
I guess it's because I know i'll be at the dorm, away from my family and friends on the day of my birthday. Or maybe it's because I'm getting old. HAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK. :))
I'm only turning 18. People think it's some kind of a special age to turn into. They spend thousands just to celebrate it. I just think it's not anything special. And besides, I don't like being the center of attention. You know, with the sparkly dress, the guests I invited who aren't enjoying because I won't even get to entertain them all, I mean.. What's the point?
Not hating on traditional debutantes, but.. It's just not my thing, I guess. I've had a number of weird and awkward birthday celebrations. And now that I'm turning 18, everybody suddenly jumps up and goes crazy because "I'm turning 18"? I don't get it.
Birthday celebrations should be as fun and as special as debuts. Bakit ngayon lang?
Haha fuck this. I remember one of my birthday celebrations from when I was still in grade school. My mom invited my dad. Like, what the fuck. Seriously? Hahaha
Aaaaand idk. I'm just not in a happy disposition nor am I in the mood for celebrations. If it's some other person's birthday, sure, I'd be glad, but for my own? Idk. I just don't feel worthy of an extravagant (or at least something we don't usually do) celebration.
My mom's going cray trying to fish something out of me the other night. She kept asking me what I wanted for my birthday. So I asked myself: what did i fucking want?
I don't want them to spend large sums of money on me. I've already been such a burden to them, being the spoiled bunso and all. So, I just don't want them to go (even more) all out just because I'm turning 18.
I just don't deserve any of it.
I don't feel happy right now.
I don't want anything.
I don't know what i want.
I just don't know anymore.
See? Full of I's. I'm so selfish and self-centered. When will I stop and just fucking learn and grow up.
18. What's so special about that? It will pass. It always does.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
I almost smoked weed on my first day in college.
LOL. Did that scare you? Or did you actually think i'd do it?
I mean, it's just weed and I'd only get high, have brain damage, and possibly give in to sex, but it's still marijuana and it's illegal. HAHA.
How did I get into that situation?
Well, this bitch (former roommate of my current roommates) who I didn't know barged inside our room here in the dorm and asked if I wanted to go with them to some place. It was really boring in the dorm and I was alone so I agreed to go with her. Stupid me.
Boom. I'm not going to mention the name of the place, but the people there.. DAFUQ. Tangina magkakalapit lang kayo, DI NIYO KAILANGAN SUMIGAW =)) Everybody was "feeling cool" and apparently, all of the people there know "everybody who's somebody".
Imagine a scene from a movie where there's a party in a frat house. People were making out on every single surface they see, beer, kissing, screaming curses, more beer, more kissing.. Yadda yadda. It's all so.. American but in a more "pussy shit" sense because, well, we're not American, nor are we in America.
SO BASICALLY, it's not my scene, and it's not my idea of "fun". I mean, I was just standing there being my silent self, saying hi to anyone they introduce to me.
AFTER THAT hell hole I was in for more than an hour, we finally went back to the dorm. We hung out at that bitch's room for a while and let me tell you, listening to their conversations made my brain cells deplete a bajillion times faster than me doing absolutely nothing for the past few months before school started.
Disclaimer: I am not exaggerating in any way. This is the only conversaton I remembered because it was THE MOST fucking pointless thing i've ever heard in my whole life. It was worse than my dad asking me why I want to eat fruits.
Sample Conversation: (please imagine a high-pitched slutty conyo-bitch voice)
Girl 1: OH MY GOD HAHAHAHA I MADE KWENTO TO *THIS GUY* THEN I WAS LIKE OMGGG!!! *insert stupid face here*
Girl 2: OMG HAHA THEN WHAT DID HE SAY?!
G1: HE LIKE UM.. HE MADE-GAYA ME THEN HE WAS LIKE OMGGG TOO!!
G2: OMGGG!!! HAHAHAHAAH
Then they asked me "do you smoke?"
I was like.. DING DING DING. Okay I know where the fuck this is going haha I'm not stupid.
She rang someone up (a guy) and spoke Ilonggo, which I understood pretty well.
"Meron ka pa jan?"
"Pahingi. Meet tayo sa 7th floor elevator." (because boys aren't allowed to go to where the girls are here in the dorm)
HAHAHA SHADY AS FUCK. NOBODY WILL THINK YOU BITCHES ARE UP TO SOMETHING. NOBODY. REALLY. YOU CAN'T FOOL ANYBODY. NOT EVEN GOD. REALLY. NO.
I'm not one to give in to peer pressure, so I thought of a really lame plan to get out of there.
When we were about to pick up "that something", I stayed inside the elevator and told them I was going to sleep, and pressed "3" (because I was in the 3rd floor).
PEOPLE OF THE UNIVERSE. THIS HAPPENED AT AROUND 9:30 PM.
YA'LL KNOW I'M TALKING SOME REAL REAL BIG-ASS BULLSHIT HERE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAAAAAY.
Well that was an eventful night, eh?
These bitches won't get off my ass though. As in, they're all clingy and shit and I just want to slap their fucking faces so hard, their heads will make a faster revolution than Mercury.
Am I a nerd or what? :D Just kidding. I'm not a nerd.
Lame, lame, lame.
Please bear with me because.. I don't know what to do or how to avoid them. Apparently, if I act like a total bitch, THEY'RE ATTRACTED TO THAT. THEY THINK I'M COOL ENOUGH TO SMOKE WEED WITH THEM. Please help me. HAHAHA. I've encountered people like them before, and I don't want to go back to my "dark days" which aren't as dark compared to some people, but I changed a lot during that period in my life, so.. I don't want that to happen to me again.
What the fuck is happening to humanity ;___;
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