Naive

Spending nights outside, being eaten by mosquitos, and just talking--about everything. Friends, high school days, family shit, life, and random things about each other.

What they have is so innocent. Like two little kids playing in a sandbox.

Though it frightens the both of them, knowing she's so young, and he's already been through enough. Oh, the endless possibilities. And yet, they're taking the risk.

You see, this girl is me. I am weak, vulnerable, and sick.

He came in without notice, and he turns out to be more than willing to help me.

I'm afraid that he just might manipulate me. But then again, no.
He's afraid that one day, I just might want to "have fun" and have "YOLO" moments.

Personally, I don't need that right now. It won't help me. And I don't want other sources of headaches.
I don't want to hate myself even more for doing the things I merely thought would help me "live life to the fullest".

Today's concept of "fun" is fooling around and getting drunk. I don't want that for myself. I've had a taste of it, and I don't like the feeling.

I've had my fair share of heartaches. Well, actually, no, not yet haha. But.. Yeah.

Not now, not tomorrow, not ever--would I want to feel so different and so far-off from who I really am. I've been there. I've asked myself "how did I become this way" because a lot of things just happened, all at once. And I changed.

This is indeed, a trying time for me. Being at war with myself, every single day, is exhausting.

And he's volunteering to help me.

I keep telling him that one day, he'll just grow tired of taking care of me, and that he'll just leave.
But he promised. Not only to me, but to my family.
And he feels pressured.

At some point, I just think he'll break. And I will understand.
Because right now, nothing is easy. Nothing is sure. Nothing is permanent.

But at least before we put a period to this sentence, we both got to feel young, innocent and alive, with the company of coffee and music.

This Fear

I don't even know where to begin. This whole time, I've been in denial. I've been keeping this in for so long. And to finally be face to face with this. To finally let it out. To finally ask for help. Even scream and beg for help--to let myself be this vulnerable when I already was to begin with.

I am, undoubtedly, terrified.

I hear and feel all the support from the people around me. Right now, there's really no reason to hide the fact that I'm sick, because I am. But then, this is also the time that I will know who truly cares about me.

And the fact that since a handful of people already know what's going on, their treatment towards me changed. Let me get something straight; I do not want to be pitied, and most of all, I do not want to be a liability to everyone around me, just because they think they have to watch over me. Just because I'm sick.

I do not want to be a burden.

The thought of not wanting to get better just so I won't see the people I care about suffer in front of me always enters my mind. But then I want to get better. I don't want to be angry anymore. I just want to be normal again.

A couple of days ago, literally, the first thing I saw in the morning when I woke up, was my crying mother. At that moment, I knew that she already knows what's going on. I didn't want to tell her because typically, she'll start blaming herself for everything. How can I make her understand that I didn't become like this because of her? That image, my dear reader, is (for lack of better words) FUCKED UP.

This thing that's happening to me--let's just say that it's already a part of me. If I force myself to get better, it's tantamount to amputating a limb from my body. Yes, it's that difficult. To the point that I have to go through an emotionally and mentally scarring cycle every time I feel like it's going to happen again.

When does it happen? Everyday. It's pure torture.

It's only now that I've come to realize how bad this is. I mean, I've already done my research, but the mental effect is NOTHING like the things I've read before. Sure, I've heard similar stories and they scared the shit out of me. But if you were to put yourself in my place, even you couldn't understand what's going on.

It's like you've been living a lie. It's like a different person has taken over you. It's like you just don't want to get better anymore.

People who are like me all have back stories. We have reasons as to why we do this/why it happened. It's complicated because most people just look at what they see on the surface. They don't have enough initiative to dig deeper so they would understand. And we end up being hated and laughed at.

If you happen to be one of those people, let me tell you something; don't get angry at us. Don't hate people like us. We are definitely NOT superficial beings. We look at things differently, and it's always on the heavier and darker side.

The jokes I had to live with for a while because people didn't know, really did hurt me deep inside. But then, they don't know anything. I didn't have the right, nor the strength to get angry at them. Ignorance is indeed bliss.

Now I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm just.. Exhausted. But I have to keep fighting. I can't even explain how difficult it is to keep going.

I'll end this with a message for the people who know what's going on:
I just don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be treated differently. I want to be normal, just like all of you. I sincerely thank all of you for all the support you guys have been giving me, and for not leaving me alone. If ever you see me just sitting in one corner, crying, shaking, and silent, don't ask me what's wrong because you already know why. And i'd be too weak to answer any questions. Just a pat, a hug. You can even hold my hand. That's enough. Any other action would be the death of me. And please, don't force me to do the one thing I'm currently having difficulty in doing. It's difficult enough to try and stop myself from doing the other thing. Ang labo no? Haha.

Believe me, I am ashamed of what I am right now. But I have to put it out there so I can get better.

Now I'm going to let people in.

In Between

Just a couple of random thoughts for the night.

Well, I didn't get to watch the Swedish House Mafia concert. Which is currently happening HAHAHA. So okay, bye. I'm just listening to their music as I'm writing this right now.

And I joined SM Accessories' contest for the Jabbawockeez meet and greet pass thingy, and I also didn't get it. But one of my friends did, and I hope he's nice enough to give me one of the passes ;__; I REALLY NEED TO MEET RAINEN THIS TIME. UP CLOSE. AND PERSONAL HEHEHE. Loljk. Yeah, but really do hope he gets two passes, and he gives one to me. :3

And I finally got to buy that sweater I've been wanting since last year from Forever 21. Happy child. They doubled the 50% off on that item. I'M SO LUCKY. YAY. And it's in my favorite color. <3

And some of my friends call me their "master" in photography. HAHAHA OH JESUS PLEASE NO. Sure, I'm very well flattered, but I don't deserve it at all =))) I honestly lack the originality and creativity (and not to mention, the eye for artistic-ness) in my photos. It disappoints me though, that I used to (or at least I think so) have that in my photos, like from way way way back. Like, "flickr days" back. And now, it saddens me that I feel like my photos are turning too commercial. Like.. Blech. I still want to keep that look because it definitely looks cleaner, but the feeling.. It's the feeling that lacks. I guess I'm still on the look out for the perfect model whom I can work with so I could truly capture whatever's in my head.

And.. Yeah. Hooray for good friends. Really. And old friends who never forget you. I really appreciate that.

And people who still remember to apologize for something they did to you even if you yourself already forgot what happened. It feels great. It's like, receiving a present even if it's not Christmas, or your birthday. That person and I had this looong talk. He already had a couple of beers, but you know what they say, "drunken words are sober thoughts." HAHA well, now I don't know who to thank--the beer or him =))) But nevertheless, he did say that he's been meaning to apologize. And, he did admit that he was the one who made everything fall apart and shit soo.. Yeah. GLAD SOMEONE LIKE HIM IN THIS WORLD ACTUALLY EXISTS--someone who actually has the balls to admit that it was HIS fault.

And being called "beautiful".
And these little things.
All bunched up, wrapped with a gold ribbon.
Priceless.

Sometimes it's nice to look back and just think of all the good things instead of the bad ones, even if you've had it real bad for a while. Just for a moment there, at least you made yourself happy.

And yeah, if no one can be strong for you, you have to be strong for yourself. You don't always have to rely on other people for your happiness.

And that's what makes me sad sometimes. The fact that one person can make you happy and sad all at the same time, all because of one little thing.. And all because that person exists.

Hm.

Random thoughts end here.

Now. What?

Dear you,

I don't know much about you. And yet, we're into this all of a sudden. Hahaha! It is now proven; relationships can survive solely on technology. Though it fails because of it most of the time. Like, 99% of the time. Of course, people would still crave for the realness of the person. But really? Things can bloom from it? I find that.. Shallow and wrong.

I feel uncertain. And I feel like this is bad. Or am I just afraid of this "foreign" feeling? Because it's new?

Oh please, I don't even know anything about this.

I know you're a good person, and that the last thing you would do is hurt someone like me.

Well I'm not going to take this lightly =)))

Sincerely,
Are you fucking serious? Because I don't think I can be right now due to recent events and my youth. HAHAHA.

I'm Ready

Ready to...

let go of all the bullshit 2012 gave me.
learn new things.
experience new things.
make things happen and not just sit and wait.
help people.
help myself.
improve my craft.
love.
give.
share.
laugh more.
cry more.
hurt more.
discover things about life.
discover new things I can do.
learn how to actually use Photoshop.
meet new people.
say goodbye to insignificant people.
teach good things.
make more good habits.
kill bad habits.
step outside my comfort zone.
study more.
be more dedicated in everything I do.
be more passionate.
share the passion.
share the good vibes.
share more stories.
learn my limits.
be more open and be reserved at the same time.
at least try to be happy even if times get rough.

I don't want to make promises to myself anymore because I end up breaking them. So this time, I'll just go with the flow. I'll be happy with the people who make me feel happy. I'll try really hard not to let petty things get in the way. I'll try not to let people hurt me and take advantage of me.

I've been too nice this 2012. It's not that I'm going to be a bigger bitch that I naturally am next year, but I'll be stronger.

I swear, if I get the chance to have a tattoo (lol hopefully 2013 will allow me, or my mom haha), I want the saying "be strong" tattooed on my wrist. Or somewhere along my arm.

I've allowed myself to become weak and vulnerable, and it wasn't a really good experience for me. So I want a permanent reminder, that when times get hard, and I have to be strong for myself, I just have to remember what's written with permanent ink on my skin.

If not that, the verse "Mt 6:34" is really nice too. Since I'm such a paranoid/anxious little girl hahaha.

OH WELL. Random thoughts.

How about you guys? I see some people can't let go of 2012 just yet. Well, newsflash. It's just a number. January 1 isn't a special day. It's just what we call "tomorrow". Memories will remain, people will be the same, if not, changed, but that's all because of time and the things they've experienced. And most of all, we're all just a day older. Hahaha.

Don't be afraid. I'm a hypocrite right now, but fuck it. 2013 may bring more happiness, if you want happiness. It's all up to you.

And like I always say, you have a choice.

To the New Year:

I've spent most of my time thinking over the past year. That's because I had a lot of time to myself; spending nights just sitting inside my room with my yellow christmas lights on, enjoying the company of music and coffee. Earlier this year, it's been quiet.

Quiet, but, in my head, I, myself, couldn't figure out what was going on. Everything was just a blur to me, and yet they were clear. I understood everything, yet I failed to accept them. I tried to change what was happening, but I couldn't. I felt completely helpless and alone.


This year has been the most emotional one in my entire life. I mean, I haven't really experienced that much emotional turmoil as compared to someone else's life. I don't want to rub it in, but I still consider myself lucky. But you know, everyone has gone, or will go through some pretty rough shit in their lives. And let me tell you, it's hard. I don't want to say that it'll end here in 2012, but I just think that it has made its mark in my life. A pretty big, dark, black mark, to be specific.

I couldn't remember all the details because it was that painful for me. All I know is, it was scarring, frustrating, and frightening. I can't imagine myself going through that again. I literally felt like I was inside a box, kept in the cold and shadowed part of an isolated room.

People never really knew what was going on inside my head. Until now, actually. I never wanted to talk about it. Now, I can't explain it. I shut people out, I was on my own, and I didn't ask for help.

Well I'm not saying that I went crazy, but I'd have to admit, I sunk into depression. In my sister's words, I felt like my head was going to split into two. I couldn't sleep well, I didn't eat. I failed to take care of myself. Basically, I just.. (oh my god I can't believe I'm saying this out in the open) I hurt myself. And I still am, to be honest.

I felt like a lonely streetlight in the night at the corner of a dark street--taken for granted, unmaintained, and flickering. I used every bit of my fibre to try to emit the last of the light left in me.

When the time came that I realized that I have to TRY to make myself better, I started talking more. Just, words. Words helped me. Exposure to the world outside the four corners of my room helped me. I realized, I wasn't alone, and that someone else must be in deeper shit than me.

Blaming myself for everything wasn't right. At the end, I knew that I did nothing wrong. I have completely fooled myself into thinking that everything was my fault.

And that's what parents fail to do/don't even know. Dear PARENTS, FOLKS, WHATEVER, can I just ask a favor from all of you: Never ever show your kids that you guys are fighting like it's a fucking 3D movie. Never ever tell them upfront that infidelity is okay like it's the natural way of life. Never ever tell them NOT to get affected because EVERYTHING YOU GUYS DO WILL ALWAYS AFFECT US, your hopeless offspring, left to grow up with these emotional scars you gave us. I just wish ya'll blindfolded us and gave us thick-ass earmuffs before you screamed and beat each other up with hurtful words and fists. I mean, HELLOOO, we just wish that we're IMMUNE to all that shit.

Even though my parents haven't been in good terms since only God knows when, at a young age, I knew what was happening. Being silent about it kind of helped, but being face to face with the problem this year, AND BEING ALONE IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE was the cherry on top.. Well, that was just MIND BLOWING. I was like, WOW. COULD LIFE GET ANY WORSE THAN THIS HAHAHA.

Family problems will always be the #1 thing that will pull us down. It's where we grew up, it's supposed to be "home", but it's not. That being said, do you think life is still fair? No. It's sad. It's devastating. Everybody knows life isn't, and never will be fair to us poor humans. Haha. I mean, take Jesus for one. He was crucified. BAM. He was like "what the hell did I dooooo but okay, in order to save mankind, I will do this." Yes. JESUS.

When I felt a little better, that was the time I got to transfer to a different college. I felt "young, and wild and free." I know that for the past 3 months I totally felt in charge and responsible for all the fuck ups I've been doing to myself. I felt guilty, dirty, BUT I knew I was happier. Haha. Ironic, right?

Though I kind of.. No, wait. I abused my freedom; I now know the tactics in order to survive in such a liberal environment. It's like I went through a trial-and-error phase in my life, which I think I needed. More of like a process of elimination. I did the wrong things so I won't do them again and I totally went against my own unwritten principles.

You could say that I'm a "masochist". Haha. I would like first hand experience because I know that I'll appreciate the outcome even though I have to suffer the consequences of my actions. THERE.

And regarding "change", I did. I moved on. I now know how, at least a bit, how to deal with the bullshit in my life. I allow myself to get hurt, cry, sulk for a few days, and BAM, I instantly feel better. All I need is to talk and talk and talk about whatever's happening, and it's actually healthy for me.

The problem was, at first, I couldn't find the people whom I know will respect my personal thoughts, and people who will actually (at least) sympathize.

Luckily, I think I've found them. I'm still pretty scared though, knowing that I've developed trust and attachment issues. Ugh. That makes me hate myself haha.

I still have a few "left overs" from what has happened earlier this year, and I don't really know if I can let go of them, but.. I will try. And I will keep trying to look for the answers and keys to free myself from the ball and chain I'm dragging around with me as I go on with life.

I'm young and I have a lot to learn. I'm naive. But I can say that I've had a fair share of bad experiences. And like I said, I'm a masochist. So whatever life throws at me, BRING IT ON, BITCH. I want to see myself just step on them like unfinished cigarettes.

SO, 2013, whatever you have in store for me--success, failure, love, more rejection, pain, satisfaction, happiness, WHAT HAVE YOU. I will embrace everything. I will cherish life. I will live, to live, and not just to survive.

Anatomy I

Well this is something I wouldn't post on my page, but it's something I would want only a few to see. So if you read my blog, well, this is open for critiques/comments/whatever. Haha. If you even have to say anything.

Uhhh, it's awkward. They do have a bit of a sensual touch, but that's because.. I don't really know why.  But I just want to say, this is purely for art's sake. I just want to explore the human body. Sooo as usual, I will start with myself until I build more confidence. Hahaha. #thingsIdoforphotography

** click on the photos for a better view.