Four Months

I won't be able to go to school like the rest of you. Not right away, at least. I have four months more of extended vacation, and honestly, I don't want it. HAHAHA absurd, right? And I know what you're thinking: "She's totally going to regret saying that once she starts studying."

You're right. Maybe.

It's just that, for the past year, my brain has deteriorated into that of a first grader. I wasted so much time trying to learn things that were too easy to comprehend. I'm looking for that brain-churning action that would make me want to cry and commit suicide because of so much stress.

"Hmm, really now, Junessa."

Yes. Really. I want that kind of challenge, but at the same time, I want to be able to conquer it.

"Drama mo naman."

Talaga.

Call me a masochist, but I want it.

So, for the rest of my vacation, I'm going to try to work on my photography. I'm going to try to grow and learn as much as I can.

I'm going to bury myself in things that I want to do.

To you:

Please. Can we not do this right now? Can we just pretend like none of that happened? I can literally feel my brain slowly splitting into two.

Just stop bringing it up. Stop suggesting that I NEED THERAPY or a shrink or whatever because it makes me feel like I'm insane or even more emotionally unstable. And stop changing the word "therapy" to "help". Then again, maybe I do. Maybe I do need help.

FUCK YOU. GO AWAY. STOP MAKING ME THINK LIKE THAT.

And here I thought things were going smoothly. And then you say that.

I don't want to be selfish, but you're not the only person I'm looking out for.

OO NA, I'M UNRELIABLE. YES, I AM. BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT MYSELF, AND MYSELF ONLY. OO, TAMA KA.

Putangina.

AND YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT. WHEN IT COMES TO MY FRIENDS, IT'S EASIER TO SAY "YES". WHY? BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT LIKE YOU.

The reason I came back is because I just need the car and because I have important engagements. I DIDN'T COME BACK FOR YOU. Otherwise, I would still be at my sister's place.

-- I deleted this paragraph because it just dawned on me right after I posted it that it was too harsh.--

Because of what you've become, I will choose to be the better person. I refuse to end up becoming like you.

And now I'm regretting writing all of that. God, what have I become. Who is this person. Am I just totally selfish or am I allowed to act this way for a little bit?

Can't I just live like a normal 17-year-old? With a normal brain? With a normal life?

Fml.


Yes, Junessa. You are. You are fucking fucked up, and selfish.
So selfish.

Still Fucked

Well, I just feel confused. That's all. Even though I know what to do, I still have a hard time doing it. What's that? Accepting the way things are.

After that episode of mine, I got to take a break for at least four days. Actually, just two. People who I didn't want to see showed up in the middle of my four-day break, which kind of defeats the whole point of the fucking "break". So now we're down to just two days. Which really isn't a break. I might as well just call it a weekend.

FML.

It's not that I don't respect them, but I just don't like them at the moment. I don't know when I'll stop disliking them, but for now, let's just say.. It's going to be for a while.

What I hate about this arrangement is that it will forever be temporary. I will keep on going back to reality, or rather, being locked up here in my room writing sad stories about my life that nobody gives a fuck about. The solution to that iiis.. (drum roll) DING! mother fucking ACCEPTANCE.

You know the line, "Eh ganyan na talaga yan eh." It bothers me so much. If I can accept and change the way I am, why can't people do the same for me? I have a whole life ahead of me. I'm still young, but I'm afraid if they keep on "being that way" for the rest of my life, I'm going to fucking age. And get wrinkles at the age of 20. BUT NO. They can't do the same for me because they're fucking old and senile.

I've been wanting to stand on my own for so long, but I've been doing it all wrong this whole time. I didn't want to rely on anybody, and look where that got me. I ended up becoming everybody's burden. I didn't want anybody to worry about me because I kept on thinking they already have problems of their own, and the last thing I would want to be is to become part of what they have to think about.

I've had that mentality for so long, and like what people say, "A person can only take so much." Each person has his own emotional wage, and apparently, mine is fucking weak.

Tell me though, how can I not give in to this pressure? How can I remain completely sane for the rest of my fucked up life when I have to live with these people?

It's not fun T__T It's not fun to have to watch out for yourself all the time, for fear that you might lose your mind again. It's not fun to be like this.

I really, really, really want to say that I want to fucking give up, but I can't.

Some people might even think that my problem is shallow and that my thoughts and actions are immature, petty, and "OA". Well, yeah, I know it is. Is it? Idk. Whatever.

I'm human too. Just give me some space. I just realized that I'm "mentally" claustrophobic.

The Diary of a Teenage Queen's Giveaway!

HOLY CRAP I AM SO DESPERATE TO WIN THIS THING. I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANNA WIN THIS LIKE OMG.


CHECK IT OUUUUT!!
http://thediaryofateenagequeen.blogspot.com/2012/05/teenage-queens-back-to-school-giveaway.html


DAMN. A REALLY AWESOME PLANNER, THAT FUCKING HOODIE THAT I'VE BEEN WANTING FOR SO LONG, THOSE CUTE BRACELETS, AND OMG OMG OMG A SATCHEL FROM BAGELLIA!!! FUCK. AND AND AND A FREE MANI-PEDI FROM POSH & GLAM!! FUCK FUCK. and omggggg A BOX OF DELICIOUS CUPCAKES FROM SPOONFUL OF SUGAR!!


HOLY SHIT!!


Okay maybe my obscene words might not let me win this thing, but ever since Hershey (The Teenage Queen) told me about this contest, I got soooo excited. BAM.


Like, really. I WANT TO WIN THIS SHIT. I'M FUCKING DESPERATE.
Lol can you feel the desperation?
It's just that... I want those things T__T They will make me very happy.


Okay bye.


PS: I WANNA WIN THIS THING OKAY.

Blank

My mind is empty and full at the same time. How is that possible. I have contained a billion thoughts in my head and yet, I can't seem to hold on to just one simple idea.


Who was I when I wrote my previous blog? Now that I got the chance to read it again, I realized that that was a completely different person. I'm not usually like that, and it scares the living hell out of me.


I got the chance to.. Not be myself last night and let me tell you, it's not the greatest feeling known to man. It's not that bullshit thing going on these days called "YOLO", nor was it day dreaming. What happened to me was just plain freaky.


I'll skip the fucked up details because they're too nasty and it scares me whenever I get flashbacks from last night.


I'm slowly "recuperating" from that episode. God only knows if that'll happen again or not. If it does, at least I know what to do.


Escaping is temporary, acceptance is permanent.
A balance of both is possible, but to choose escaping alone is not the best idea.
At the end of the day, you still have to accept things and that they will remain that way forever.


Escape. Escape is a form of freedom you cannot abuse.
Kids, escaping is pathetic. It's completely pointless.
If you think "it's the only way out of here", it's not.
You'll find out why eventually.


All I can say is, it's what I did and it got me here -- a place only known to people who are lost.

When did you become like this?

When did I become like this? Who told me to become like this? I feel like I'm falling into a pit of darkness. No one can help me, nobody can hear me, and nobody would try to find me. I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless and numb.

A simple phone call. That's my only duty as a responsible human being. BUT NO. Why do I have to be such an idiot. Not even a text. Nothing. And that scumbag iPhone of mine likes to turn itself off even if it still has 70% of battery left. And it picked this specific day to be like that. Why. Why me. Why now.

When did I become like this.

When did I start becoming so distant. When did I start shutting myself off to everyone around me. Why did I become like this.

I'm only a child. And somehow, a part of me refuses to believe so. All I've been wanting was to become successful. All I've been worrying about is myself and how I could get out of here.

When did I become like this.

When did I start not caring about anybody else other than myself. When did I become so selfish. Why did I become like this.

My mother thinks she's an insignificant entity. It's all because of me, the person who she now thinks is a failure, a disappointment, a useless, and an irresponsible being.

When did I become like this.

I'm so afraid of myself.

Why did I become like this.

I don't know what else to do.

The last person I can lean on, which is my mom, has now turned her back on me.

The last person whom I thought would never abandon me, already left me in the dark, all alone, left to fend for myself.

I can't do this without her. I can't do this without Him.

When did I become like this.

Why did I become like this.

I don't know how to get out of here.

I just want to go away, but at the same time I want to stay.

Ever since he came back.. Ever since he came back. I know I wasn't the same.

Ever since he came back, all I ever wanted to do was go away.

Ever since he came back, life became much easier, and much harder at the same time.

Ever since he came back, I didn't know what to do.

I taught myself to hide and keep my thoughts to myself, not bothering to let anyone in.

And now this is what I get.

You think you know everything.

You think you can handle everything.

You just can't. You're weak. Stop pretending to be so strong. You can't do this on your own.

You're so afraid of becoming the bad person when you've actually started being one.

When did you become like this. Why did you become like this.

You forget to say things like "thank you" and "I love you" to the most important people in your life.

Stop trying to grow up and just live in the present.

Know what you have to do and do it.

And now you've become irresponsible. You've taken everything for granted. Life is just paying you back a thousand times.

You're a disappointment.

You're worthless.

You're different.

When did you become like this. Why did you become like this.

When did I become like this.

Why did I become like this.

Just because I can't sleep.

The more she wakes up, the more that she buries her face in her pillow, refusing to see the light of day. Whenever she closes her eyes, flashes from last night's dream keep appearing. She didn't know waking up could be this exhausting.

Giving up, her head slowly crept out from beneath the sheets. She slowly turned to the direction of her bedroom window while gradually squinting her eyes. The bright sunlight became a reminder; it's another day. Another day to get over with, and another to do simply nothing but.. This.

Staring out of her window became the ultimate pastime. Just watching the trees sway with the wind. Listening to the rustling of the leaves and the neighbors' door-banging was a symphony. Hearing footsteps approaching her bedroom door was a drag for she knew, someone was going to disturb this peace that she was asking for for a very long time.

She lets out a sigh and gives in to life's daily pressures. She lazily pushed back the blanket with her legs and got up while letting out a loud grunt as if a boulder was laid on her chest. She let her feet hang from the side of the bed while her eyes scanned the floor for her slippers. She let out another sigh because she realized they got pushed back under the bed. Like a dead seal, she half-stood, half-crawled to get to the floor to reach for her slippers, only to find out they were on the other side of the bed, which was entirely out of her reach.

Forcing herself to get up, she gripped onto the sheets of her bed and crawled and flopped on top of it and she stayed there for a while. Just breathing in the smell of her own hair and the smell of fresh laundry.

She closed her eyes and realized that it wasn't a really bad morning, but then she remembered her dream. He was in it. Oh how hard was he to forget. Her heart quickly thumped hard against her skin, allowing that thought to enter her head. She decided to let it slip past her mind. Yet again.

She violently shook her head and said, "No, no. Not anymore."

There she was. Standing up again. Forced, maybe. But she was getting stronger.

She got a hold of her slippers and wore them. She stopped to breathe and bask in the warm sunlight that crept in her room.

She walked and went out, closing the door behind her without even looking back.