Just a quick thought before I go upstairs to sleep.

To sum it all up, when I think about all the things that happened in the last 5 months of my non-productive life, I was so unhappy.

I'm not sure if I even sunk into depression.

There were times when I took it all out on myself, thinking that everything was my fault, thinking I had to fix everything, thinking everything was all on me.

Up to now, I'm still pretty affected. But one thing's for sure, I'm afraid to go back to the way I was a few months ago.

I hope being here (in the dorm), and being in college (in general) would help me cope with this "situation".

Maybe I'm still being pretty selfish because all I ever worried about was how I thought I should be the one who needs to fix things. Is that "selfish"?

I don't know.

I do tend to over-analyze things, so.. Yeah.

It's kind of hard to be here though, because I can't talk to anyone who "knows" what's happening. The 3-minute phone calls are too much of a hassle, cellphone bills get pretty nasty, and the internet likes being bipolar as well.

It's all so foreign. I'm still adjusting.

P.S. The environment here is making my skin break out T__T UHUHUHUHU IT'S SO ANNOYING.

Opposites

                    ___________________________________________________________

The night becomes her disguise. It becomes a part of her.
She becomes a shadow that nobody can see.

It is a blanket that covers and protects her.
It is where she hides and becomes a different person.

At night, when no light is present, she is stronger, but completely helpless at the same time.
For that time, is the only time she gives in, and allows the darkness to swallow her.

She is brave, but frightened.
Honest, but full of lies.
Conscious, but totally oblivious to the truth.

She fears what she has become, but proud that she has come this far.
"This is a new person," she says, "but it's still me, and I'm still alive."

"Hello," says a voice.

"You are not me, but I, am you."

___________________________________________________________

My cheesy goals once school starts (for me)

Being the only one who isn't attending school at the moment, I spend most of my time at home, on the internet, doing nothing.

So yeah, everyone knows how my life goes by every second of every day through my Facebook statuses, or my occasional tweets.

A lot of people (actually just two of my friends) asked me why I haven't been blogging lately. Well, blogging is something that I only do when I'm "inspired". Just like art. But it just so happens, that 5 minutes ago, I thought of something I could write about.

My cheesy goals once school starts (for me):

1. Save more money: Being the "gastadora" that I am, this is very hard. VERY. Hard. When I say "very hard", it just is. I'm sure it's hard for everyone, but for me.. It's just very hard. Yeah I know I've said that only a bajillion times but it really is.

2. Shoot more in film: This pretty much opposes my first goal because shooting in film means more expenses in developing and buying more film. But, who could resist? Film is beautiful.

3. Get my hair colored: In pink. Just an ombre for now, but.. I really wanna get my whole head colored (even my face loljk corny). This goes against my first goal as well, but.. Like I said, I'm a "gastadora". At least I save up for my own shit -__- Lol I don't really like asking money from my folks unless I really need it for school and I'm bat-shit broke.

4. Remind myself to save more money: Just because.

5. Be more passionate: towards everything I do. If there's no passion, there's no motivation. Hence, I will fail in life and I will end up becoming that stripper who makes friendship bracelets.

6. Lessen the BV (Bitch Vibes): Because I will never get any friends if I keep acting like the bitch that I really am. Well, I'm not saying I should stop being myself, but.. Who the fuck would like a person who's a total bitch 24/7? ACTUALLY, I'm not a 24/7-bitch but.. I can be. Oh look, there she is.

*Clarification to goal #6: I just have to tolerate annoying and stupid people more. It's inevitable to not come across people whose personalities I don't like/don't mesh well with, so.. I just have to act more cool and calm. Yes. But when the situation calls for the "BV", I'd be happy to unleash it.

7. Smile more: As my mom would always tell me, "ang taray ng itsura mo." I still don't get this because if there's no reason to smile, why would I? I don't want to look like a nut head. Nevertheless, I will try.

8. Concentrate: As you all know (not that I'm assuming that ya'll know who I am), I've graduated from an all-girls high school and I've attended a year in an all-girls college too. I'm pretty much oblivious to the feeling of seeing boys every day. So I think this goal (or rather, an obligation) is needed. BUT it's not like you have to tie me to a post to prevent me from jumping on some random guy, but, you get my point. Hopefully. I'm not that desperate ;__;

9. "Study hard, party harder": True. I doubt the partying part though, because I'm not really a fan of getting drunk in "foreign" places.

10. Don't forget where you came from: College opens new doors. You meet new people who come from different places, and people who just happen to know "everybody". I don't want to assume my future because that might totally jinx everything, but let's say I do meet someone who opens "the door to my future". It's not really a goal, but I promise to stay humble and remember where I came from. Lol I'm not going to be like a total bitch-snob who acts all high and mighty after getting the spotlight. Nor am I going to be that sad excuse for a friend who completely forgets the existence of her old, and truer mates back in high school.

So, yeah. As shallow as those goals may be, they mean a lot to me. I'm not going to be someone else once I "officially" start college. I'm going to be someone who I truly am. No more bullshit, just me.

All of the shit I went through just to get into universities have finally paid off. Things do happen for a reason. It's too soon to tell because I haven't even started, but, I feel like I'm going to have a more positive outlook in life. Lol. Hangdrama lang.

Despite the MRT/LRT life I have to face soon, which, I might add, IS A COMPLETE BITCH, I am still grateful for that because I can have a sense of independence, though it can be a little life-threatening.

Here's to a fresh start.

PS: Pustahan tayo, someone's going to piss me off during the first day of the 2nd trimester.

Thank You.

First of all, I know I'm not some Canon Ambassador, nor am I someone as famous and as amazingly talented as Tricia Gosingtian. But I want to thank everyone who has supported me in my "journey" as a pro photographer. I mean, knowing that people actually look forward to seeing my photos, and that I have the ability to inspire people through my photographs is really a priceless thing. It makes me so happy and proud (well, not in the bad, pompous way) of myself that I have come so far.

Thank you.

AND SINCE YA'LL HAVE SUPPORTED ME SO MUCH, a photo I took for Bagellia Filipinas' Philippine Star feature (online article) has been printed on today's paper (July 22, 2012)! Best part? MY. FULL. NAME. IS THERE. <3 HAHAHA

I'd like to say thank you to Ate Hiyasmin Neri and Ate Kim Castillo for believing in me, and for choosing me to take their photos for this feature! This milestone (yes, milestone) wouldn't even be possible without them.

And thank you to everyone else, to whoever is reading this, and to those people who actually liked my page in facebook. Really, you guys have helped me push myself and break the boundaries that have been keeping me from achieving my goals as a photographer.

I know this article will keep on motivating me in my future career as a professional photographer. Slowly, but surely, someday I can make people believe that photography is not merely a "hobby", but it can be a living, and that ART itself, can put food on someone's table.

I can't really put into words how happy I am. I've been smiling like an idiot since this morning. Well, my mom almost cried when I told her that the article was out. Hahaha. But yes, I am so so so happy and grateful. I love what I do soo much, and I do hope I can go places.

Thank you so much.

[photos] Lights

*click on photos to see them bigger*

I've always wanted to take a portrait with my christmas lights.
The highlights are lovely <3

Square crop? Lol inspired by Instagram haha.
And also because it had too much negative space on the right.

Fan page!

Have you ever felt like this?

yep.

You know, you just lie down on your bed and you stare up at the ceiling, and your mind's totally blank. All because you're just tired. Period.

Yeah, I just wanted to say that.






Click here to see a bigger version of the photo!

Alive

The nagging pain is back. She's been wondering why. Suddenly, she stops -- not just her, but everything around her. It's like all the blood in her body froze, leaving that heavy, cold feeling. The bitterness of what has happened all dawned on her, as that time of the year drew closer. Nearer. As if it's right beside her ear, whispering, all that once mattered to the two of them.

Why has it been so hard for her? How long has it been?

There are a billion questions left hanging.
A shiver rises up to her nape knowing that answers will never be provided.

Those ghostly thoughts keep haunting her. They're very, very much alive.
How can you kill something that's been dead for so long?

Has she been wanting to get rid of them? How pathetic.

She's all torn up.
Can she still handle it?
Knowing it all fell apart.

But then, was nothing ever worth fighting for?




Oh yes, very, very much alive.