The Philosophy of Perfection

It truly does not exist. Period. What Plato said about our souls supposedly living in the world of forms where everything is perfect, and since we are now living in the world of senses, made me realize that we are only copying what we saw.

A copy of something perfect can never be perfect because, well, it's only a copy. In this world, perfection is stupid. So why do we even try so hard to achieve it? It is physically impossible to do so. Sure, we possess the ideology of perfection but can we really grasp that concept? That IT JUST DOESN'T EXIST?

Why do we expect so much?
Why can't we ever just be content with how we are?
We do we keep wanting to reach higher and higher for unachievable things?
Let's get real. Sure, the human person is complex enough to do whatever he wants to do. He can be anything he wants to be. But, perfect? No.

There's a reason why we're human beings, and not gods or goddesses. We aren't made to be perfect.

Nah, just a random thought.

Unsettling

Every single time I go online, I see my friends back in high school have pictures together.
Laughing together.
Eating together.
Being together.

It makes me feel so jealous and alone because I can't be there with them. I mean, due to reasons that can't really be avoided like, I don't stay here at my house in QC during weekdays and I barely get to go home on weekends especially now that finals are coming up. Plus the unpredictable weather. And the fact that I get sick all the time these past few weeks.

I can go on and on about why I can't make time to see them, but.. Can I just say that I miss them so much?

I feel like I can get a grasp of myself, and of the earth, once I get to be with them again.

Ugh. Living this life, I have to deal with reconnecting with people all the damn time. The hardest part is feeling like you're an outcast. Or worse, a stranger. -- Like a smelly and psychotic hobo that nobody wants come near to. Like you were never really their friend/sister/daughter to begin with and all the memories they have of you suddenly vanished.

I keep having a hard time trying to balance my relationships with people. Right now I think I got my family + boyfriend issue under control, but what happened to my friends back here at home?

I guess I just have to accept the fact that we all have separate lives and it's not "like high school" anymore.

It's hard though, because they all get together when everyone is FINALLY supposedly available and then some bullshit reason (like the weather and some condo-living issues) comes up and well.. You miss out on a lot of fun and a lot of probable conversations you could've had with them about catching up with each other.

In case you're wondering why I don't include "school" in my list of "to balance" things, I kept a promise to myself that I would never compromise my schoolwork for anything else. Lol. Yes, even family. I sacrifice family time for school time, or just so I could get some decent down-time.

Whatever.

So okay, to my friends:

I hope you guys haven't forgotten that I still care about all of you. And nooo, I haven't forgotten about ya'll. Nor have I replaced you guys. I still want to be your friend :< I still want to know what's going on with your lives these days, since we all got separated since graduation. Lol. Am I being too clingy? Or too distant? At this point, I don't know what I am to you guys. Am I just a ghost? A part of your pasts? History?

It hurts though, that I can't be near you guys and schedule quick "lunch dates". And the fact that I do  feel like an outcast right now :< Huhu all the fucking feels.

I still love you guys to death though :<

Omg this is turning sentimental.

After all, my high school friends are my real solid friends. They taught me the meaning of loyalty and what true friendship is. And "sisterhood". More like "brotherhood" because my group of friends and I weren't really the feminine sort of bunch. Ah I miss hanging out with you guys and being all skwater  and ugly because WE CAN and WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK. WAAAHSHETIMISSYOUGUYS.

Yep. This is how much friend-sick I can get. If there's such thing as homesick, it's safe to say that being friend-sick is a feeling a person can feel too. Meh. *meow*

PS: Sam, I am so sorry I didn't get to go to your house last weekend. Idk when you'll be back so.. Yeah. That really annoys me -__- We've been planning that get together for AGES and divhbhcihuijwopcd. MICROWAVE. Yeah. Bye. :<

Hello, My Love.

To the boy who loves every part of me, the good and the bad, this is for you:

We're five months into our relationship. Time flies, eh? I still can't forget the first night I met you. Everything is still in deep detail embedded in my memory; the first time we kissed, the first time we held hands, the first time I looked into someone's eyes and asked myself whether that was really happening because everything seemed so surreal.

You found me at my lowest point in my life (so far, in my 18 years of existence). I thought I was a mere piece of broken glass being swept away together with dirt. I kept telling myself that I don't deserve to be loved because I can't even love nor respect myself.

But look, I was the perfect reflection of you, in every single way. Getting to know you was like looking deep into a mirror. And I liked what I saw for the first time ever. We were both fucked up for lack of better words. We weren't in the state of being ready for a relationship, but we took the risk. And I'm so glad we did.

I learned how to love myself because of you. Through you, I knew what true faith meant and how precious life is, and that there is indeed, beauty in everything that happens to us.

We don't need "outside forces" to dictate how we should handle or move in our relationship. We can fix things and grow together by ourselves. We know better and we promised to each other that we will always choose to be the better people.

It's just that, older and supposedly "wiser" people always look down our relationship.  Just because we're "still young", and how many things we still need to discover about people and the world and all those other irrelevant shit about life . Blah blah blah. They have a point.

Come on. Are people still that old-fashioned? Do I/we really need to be with multiple partners just to learn? Is it so wrong to hope for the best, that you will be my first and my last? Being with you is enough. Though my heart does broken because of you every once in a while, you never fail to fix it. You give me headaches but you magically turn things around and make everything okay again. Like I said, being with you gives me so much knowledge in terms of how to love and respect someone and, well, myself.

Baby, you are enough. Don't ever think of yourself as someone who isn't deserving of anything nice in this world because you do. If not, you deserve the best. We all do.

If I'm a handful, I'm sorry. It's probably my PMS.

You know me better than anyone.

I can't even lie to you because, well, even when I do, you know.

Here's to our love, which I hope, we will bring to our future home, our dream studios, and eventually to our graves. HAHA overly attached girlfriend alert, but you know what I mean.

I love you.

No, I love you too much. *creeper*

Heh. I know you love me too. :> HAHAHA loljk I love you baby :*

P.S.: I like flowers now. I think they're pretty. And romantic. Hehehehe. Just not chocolates because they're gonna make me fat. :3

To my family:

Due to recent events, I did what I had to do--scream. I didn't have the words to express what I felt and I didn't want all of you to see me in that state. Being fresh from the visit, I just felt so raw. Throwing colorful cusses all over the place didn't even enter my mind. I know I've made everyone worry, knowing that I'm very "unstable". I apologize for being like this. But I hope you understand.

To be honest, I can't help but feel, in mom's words. I can't help but hurt for all of you, and feel anger towards my father. I just can't stand the fact that he treats everyone like that. I hope you understand that. I know that I shouldn't be doing this to myself, but I love you all too much.

YES, everyone, ya'll don't have to remind me that I'm not the most unluckiest person on earth (or in this family). I perfectly know that. If I act as if I'm such a victim, which you guys perceive 99% of the time, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being like this. Terribly, terribly sorry. I'm sorry to myself as well, because I know it's not healthy.

I'm sorry for shutting you all out. Maybe it was because I thought I had already given up on myself.

I just hope you guys won't judge me, and you all would accept the fact that this is an ultra-mega slow process  of recovery. Yes, there are days where I feel very hopeful, but there are also times where I get tired and everything just relapses, and I have to go back to square 1. I mean, I just wish I could wake up one day and say, "HEY, I'TS A MIRACLE. I HAVE NO WORRIES, WHATSOEVER, AND I AM HAPPY, AND I LOVE MYSELF." But.. No.

I worry for everyone, I am unhappy and anxious about the fact that I have to see dad every week, and no, I do not love myself. It's difficult to be this way. It's difficult to get out of it. But at least I know, someday I can get better.

You know, sometimes I wish that I can just pretend to be okay so all of you wouldn't have to worry about me, but i'd be digging my own grave if I start doing that. Again.

I hope all of you can understand that I'd like to recover slowly, BUT surely. I don't want to leave traces, just because everyone's in a rush for me to become normal again. And to be honest, I felt like giving up on myself before because I did feel rushed. I felt pressured, as if there was a time limit. Like, I had to conform to someone's rules again, and if I don't conform, of course, I fail. And I honestly thought I was going to.

This short summer break helped me. At least somehow, you guys have understood even just a fraction of how I see things, and how things work. Or is it just me.. I don't know, but I hope you guys understand me even just a little bit.

P.S.: Please support me in my clean eating venture. HAHA. I like eating fruits and vegetables. I am willing to eat ampalaya, but NOT okra. Too gross. I hope someday, even with my annoying schedule this term, I can cook for everyone.

I say violent no's to fast food, (unfortunately) to cake/cupcakes, to milk chocolate, noodles, anything high in sodium/carbs/sugar. Btw, white bread is "fear food" for me. I shun white bread. I also like whole grain cereals (Fitnesse or Go Lean!) and almonds, but they're both pricey. So okay.. Sad. But yes, I do love eating those. HAHA WISH LIST ANG PEG. But I'm just saying..

I also fear any type of food that bloats my stomach too much. The bloat I get when I eat fruits VS a meal with hard core white rice is different, yes.

Why did I start clean eating? It's better than starving, than.. "that", if you know what I mean, yes, that gross thing, and I think this is a big solution to my condition :)

I love you guys. And I will never replace all of you for anything or anyone else in this world. I have only one family, and only one to love. Thank you for everything.

Yes, You.

It only took me almost half a year to realize that I'm not alone in this world, and that a lot of girls like me have been secretly struggling with the way we look at ourselves. Yes, you, if you're like me, I must tell you that you are not alone. I know how you feel. I know what it feels like. I've been there.

It only starts with these bad thoughts that seem harmless. You try to shake it off, but you just can't. They may have come from your own parents or friends, or just from your worst enemy--yourself.

These thoughts take over you, and then you decide to finally get up and do something about it. You either pick one of the two things that will run your life: healthy or not healthy?

Don't let these ugly thoughts determine your worth in this world. Never allow it to define who you are.

If you happen to be reading this, whoever you are, someday you will get the chance to speak up. What if I give you that chance soon? What if I tell you that everything will be okay, and that you're beautiful? My dear, you are loved. You have no idea how much you're worth.

You're stronger than steel,

and more precious than diamonds.

Stars have died,

so you may live.

You are human;

You exist to be free

and to feel.

Faith

When I gave up on myself, a lot of people around me got so disappointed, to the point that even they gave up on me. They promised that they'd always be there, and that I can always talk to them whenever I needed someone to talk to.

The thing is, I always get criticised and put down whenever I speak to them about whatever it is I feel. Can't they see that my way of thinking is distorted? A.K.A. I'm pretty fucked up. Haha! And obviously, I've done a lot of research about my condition because I'd want to gain further understanding about whatever's happening to me, since I can't go to a professional who can explain everything to me in detail. And they think going to a psychiatrist won't help/would be pointless because.. I honestly don't know why. =))

I'm sick of looking at this from the emotional point of view. I know there's something scientific about my condition. Sure, blame me for becoming like this, but there's always a reason behind it. The main thing though, it's because I've been hiding so much negative emotions for such a long time and I wasn't able to let it out in a healthy manner. Count all the years of trauma from losing a father figure, and deprivation of explanations of what's happening, BAM, you get Junessa Rendon.

So last night, my mom and I had an argument about religion, FOR THE NTH TIME. She kept saying that she just can't understand and accept the fact that my generation isn't as religious as she was/is. I simply told her that I wasn't ready to accept God wholly. I don't want to force myself to become religious and end up sinning more because I'm such a poser.

I try, you know. In my own little way. I go to church every sunday and serve in our parish choir. I even talk to Him occasionally in a casual manner whenever I'm alone. But my mom doesn't know that. Does she need to? Do I need to tell her every single religiously-related thing I do? NO. That's between me and God. I find it personal. Okay? Okay.

She keeps comparing me to herself ALL THE TIME. Like, she kept saying that she doesn't dwell on her problems, and that she was taught to be strong and shit. And I'm like.. Sorry, I was only taught to keep my mouth shut so that World War III wouldn't happen. Nobody ever cared about how I felt about a certain situation because they all assumed that I can handle it, even at a really young age. I was taught to be numb until I couldn't handle it anymore. And my breaking point was when my dad came back to live with us again two years ago. That's where it all just.. lefgyidcfouedaisudoas

WELL, now she thinks of me as a person possessed by an evil spirit that sucks out all the happiness and life left in me. What a religious being you are, dear mother. Lol. Instead of respecting my own religious views, you always think of the most malicious and evil things ever. All the time. Admit it. AND she even said that the reason why I'm like this is because I'm not religious. lksjadjbhjsvgytcduaosidl. There's a fine line between being religious and superstitious. Kbye.

She kind of said that because I blurted out the statement: "God can't cure me."

HOLD UP.

(lol defensive-ness but honestly this is what I meant)
I DIDN'T MEAN IT IN THE "I don't have faith" SENSE. Fuck. My wording was just totally wrong. I mean, God can't help me (not technically), not my mom, not my sisters, not my aunt, not even my boyfriend. Only I can help myself. It still boils down to ME. And I can't even help myself. That's why it's so difficult. My condition has become an addiction. Which is totally sick and wrong, I know, but yeah, IT'S LIKE THAT.

Now she thinks I'm an atheist or something.
Great. Good job, Junessa.

OKAY going back to my condition, I have acknowledged that I am too fucked up for my own good THEREFORE, I have decided to seek professional help. My aunt's got my back on this and my boyfriend's going to go with me during my sessions, and I think my mom just doesn't want to talk anymore, and I think my siblings.. Well idk anymore because they don't talk to me as often as before.

Alright. It's time to face the long list of issues I have to resolve.

I can foresee that this will be a LOOONG road to recovery and I'm totally terrified but whatever. I would love to feel like a normal human being again.

9:51 AM Thoughts

I saw this disturbing image on facebook the other day, and I just had to share it because I got to relate to it so much. It was a comic strip, relaying the story of a dog, wondering if his master was successful in his attempt to "fly". And indeed, the attempt was a success, because the comic strip showed the image of feet that seemed to be floating.

The scene progressed, and the dog's owner was already hanging from his ceiling fan--dead.

In just a few frames, that comic strip bluntly defined what it feels like to have depression--that, no matter how many reasons you have to be happy, you just can't. Even if you have a billion, or even just one, you lose all sense of lightness and joy. You eventually just lose your will to live and, well, you give up on the world, and on yourself.

Last night, I almost had an episode. And I was so scared of what I could've done. I suddenly had urges to pull my hair out, scream and run around, cry, hurt myself with the first thing I saw (which was a twig so it'll never work so okay haha), and even hurt someone I love. I needed to see blood in order to feel calm again.

Of course I did none of those because I was in public (but at that time, I didn't give a fuck) and I was trying to get a grip of myself. I ended up chain smoking. Hahaha. Okay. Well that sort of helped, since I smoked one stick in less than two minutes. And while I was smoking, I was giving everyone around me death glares which made my whole body twitch like a fucker.

After the whole situation was resolved, I realized that my thoughts were just NOT normal. At all. I literally felt like I was going crazy. I kept saying things like, "kailangan kong magpakamatay (I need to die)" and "ayoko na ayoko na (I don't want this anymore)".

I was even pacing from one end of the hallway to the other, not blinking, not feeling the pain of my eyes that were drying up, not thinking about what other people could've been thinking. I was just walking back and forth, silently, and I was completely dazed and out of my element.

Well, that was creepy. Haha.

The Void

And in the darkness she crept back. Millions of thoughts enter her mind. She patiently ponders on each one, as torturous as it may seem. She had the whole night, and enough darkness to conceal her and her tear-stained face.

She is ugly. So she hides in a place where she could pretend that she doesn't exist.
She wants to get out but desperately tries not to. This is her only form of escape.

So she gives herself a reminder that she still does, indeed, exist.

A painful, yet temporary reminder.
The one that stings when water runs through it--and only water can erase the stains away.

Thinking about how she just can't get her life in order, back to the way it was.. It was so frustrating.

She wants to get better, but she can't. Things keep pulling her into a downward spiral.

And now she is stuck in the void. Helpless.

#WhatIDoWhenIAmAlone

That wonderful hashtag in twitter greeted me good morning. And I haven't written anything in a while, so okay. I thought I would give it a go since it kind of sparked my frustrated-writer-ness. Also, I have more than one answer to that hashtag.

In relation to my current condition, for those of you who know, leaving me alone is dangerous. I'll give a brief description of what happens, if, well, you don't know. Well, first, I isolate myself from the world like a badass ninja. You won't even notice how I left. Then I start thinking about this thing I have. I think about it a lot actually, even when I'm surrounded by a sea of people. So I think, and think, and think. What started as harmless thoughts slowly transform into triggering urges that make me want to kill myself.

The mind is very powerful, they say. It's true. Things that don't exist become real if you want them to. Things you don't want to see suddenly become visible. You don't know what's real from what isn't anymore. And you're stuck in between, being at war with yourself, because you're trying to get out from this black hole you're being sucked in.

Eventually, I get sucked in this void, completely far off from light and reality, and my ugly thoughts take over.

And I hate myself for being like that. Well, what can I say. MY BRAIN IS FUCKED UP HAHAHA. At first I thought my eyes were just fooling me, but no. MY BRAIN IS. Okay.

HEY I'm not saying I'm a crazy psychotic bitch who sees things. Well it's sort of like that when I stand in front of the mirror. And right there, I already gave you a hint of this condition I have.

Oh God, I talk too much. Whatever. Just a random thought for this afternoon before I prepare for class.

A Mirror

I looked into it and stared for what seemed like an eternity. As the corners of my eyes darkened and blurred, the centre of everything seemed to be more focused and clear. Though it pains me not to close my eyes and blink, it felt as if every millisecond mattered.

You. You were the centre.

I see myself in you. What you are right now, is what I was. What you were, is what I am. We both know all the problems and solutions, and we can both go through them, even if it means going through them twice in both our lifetimes. We are wise, or maybe even foolish enough to help each other, knowing that we've both gone through a lot of pain to get to where we are right now.

We are each others' reflections made permanent and physical. We are the epitome of self-destruction and resilience. Though it is impossible to completely conceal all the cracks and defects, we can accept them wholly.

Why? Why can I? Why can you? I find it impossible to love myself, but you can. You find it hard for someone to take you as you are, and I can.

"Why?" is not the right question, but "how?"

"How" opens so much more doors.
How can we be able to feel this way towards each other when we were the persons who we used to be--ugly, scarred, hurt, unloved, deprived, and hidden.

I guess that's why.

Naive

Spending nights outside, being eaten by mosquitos, and just talking--about everything. Friends, high school days, family shit, life, and random things about each other.

What they have is so innocent. Like two little kids playing in a sandbox.

Though it frightens the both of them, knowing she's so young, and he's already been through enough. Oh, the endless possibilities. And yet, they're taking the risk.

You see, this girl is me. I am weak, vulnerable, and sick.

He came in without notice, and he turns out to be more than willing to help me.

I'm afraid that he just might manipulate me. But then again, no.
He's afraid that one day, I just might want to "have fun" and have "YOLO" moments.

Personally, I don't need that right now. It won't help me. And I don't want other sources of headaches.
I don't want to hate myself even more for doing the things I merely thought would help me "live life to the fullest".

Today's concept of "fun" is fooling around and getting drunk. I don't want that for myself. I've had a taste of it, and I don't like the feeling.

I've had my fair share of heartaches. Well, actually, no, not yet haha. But.. Yeah.

Not now, not tomorrow, not ever--would I want to feel so different and so far-off from who I really am. I've been there. I've asked myself "how did I become this way" because a lot of things just happened, all at once. And I changed.

This is indeed, a trying time for me. Being at war with myself, every single day, is exhausting.

And he's volunteering to help me.

I keep telling him that one day, he'll just grow tired of taking care of me, and that he'll just leave.
But he promised. Not only to me, but to my family.
And he feels pressured.

At some point, I just think he'll break. And I will understand.
Because right now, nothing is easy. Nothing is sure. Nothing is permanent.

But at least before we put a period to this sentence, we both got to feel young, innocent and alive, with the company of coffee and music.

This Fear

I don't even know where to begin. This whole time, I've been in denial. I've been keeping this in for so long. And to finally be face to face with this. To finally let it out. To finally ask for help. Even scream and beg for help--to let myself be this vulnerable when I already was to begin with.

I am, undoubtedly, terrified.

I hear and feel all the support from the people around me. Right now, there's really no reason to hide the fact that I'm sick, because I am. But then, this is also the time that I will know who truly cares about me.

And the fact that since a handful of people already know what's going on, their treatment towards me changed. Let me get something straight; I do not want to be pitied, and most of all, I do not want to be a liability to everyone around me, just because they think they have to watch over me. Just because I'm sick.

I do not want to be a burden.

The thought of not wanting to get better just so I won't see the people I care about suffer in front of me always enters my mind. But then I want to get better. I don't want to be angry anymore. I just want to be normal again.

A couple of days ago, literally, the first thing I saw in the morning when I woke up, was my crying mother. At that moment, I knew that she already knows what's going on. I didn't want to tell her because typically, she'll start blaming herself for everything. How can I make her understand that I didn't become like this because of her? That image, my dear reader, is (for lack of better words) FUCKED UP.

This thing that's happening to me--let's just say that it's already a part of me. If I force myself to get better, it's tantamount to amputating a limb from my body. Yes, it's that difficult. To the point that I have to go through an emotionally and mentally scarring cycle every time I feel like it's going to happen again.

When does it happen? Everyday. It's pure torture.

It's only now that I've come to realize how bad this is. I mean, I've already done my research, but the mental effect is NOTHING like the things I've read before. Sure, I've heard similar stories and they scared the shit out of me. But if you were to put yourself in my place, even you couldn't understand what's going on.

It's like you've been living a lie. It's like a different person has taken over you. It's like you just don't want to get better anymore.

People who are like me all have back stories. We have reasons as to why we do this/why it happened. It's complicated because most people just look at what they see on the surface. They don't have enough initiative to dig deeper so they would understand. And we end up being hated and laughed at.

If you happen to be one of those people, let me tell you something; don't get angry at us. Don't hate people like us. We are definitely NOT superficial beings. We look at things differently, and it's always on the heavier and darker side.

The jokes I had to live with for a while because people didn't know, really did hurt me deep inside. But then, they don't know anything. I didn't have the right, nor the strength to get angry at them. Ignorance is indeed bliss.

Now I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm just.. Exhausted. But I have to keep fighting. I can't even explain how difficult it is to keep going.

I'll end this with a message for the people who know what's going on:
I just don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be treated differently. I want to be normal, just like all of you. I sincerely thank all of you for all the support you guys have been giving me, and for not leaving me alone. If ever you see me just sitting in one corner, crying, shaking, and silent, don't ask me what's wrong because you already know why. And i'd be too weak to answer any questions. Just a pat, a hug. You can even hold my hand. That's enough. Any other action would be the death of me. And please, don't force me to do the one thing I'm currently having difficulty in doing. It's difficult enough to try and stop myself from doing the other thing. Ang labo no? Haha.

Believe me, I am ashamed of what I am right now. But I have to put it out there so I can get better.

Now I'm going to let people in.

In Between

Just a couple of random thoughts for the night.

Well, I didn't get to watch the Swedish House Mafia concert. Which is currently happening HAHAHA. So okay, bye. I'm just listening to their music as I'm writing this right now.

And I joined SM Accessories' contest for the Jabbawockeez meet and greet pass thingy, and I also didn't get it. But one of my friends did, and I hope he's nice enough to give me one of the passes ;__; I REALLY NEED TO MEET RAINEN THIS TIME. UP CLOSE. AND PERSONAL HEHEHE. Loljk. Yeah, but really do hope he gets two passes, and he gives one to me. :3

And I finally got to buy that sweater I've been wanting since last year from Forever 21. Happy child. They doubled the 50% off on that item. I'M SO LUCKY. YAY. And it's in my favorite color. <3

And some of my friends call me their "master" in photography. HAHAHA OH JESUS PLEASE NO. Sure, I'm very well flattered, but I don't deserve it at all =))) I honestly lack the originality and creativity (and not to mention, the eye for artistic-ness) in my photos. It disappoints me though, that I used to (or at least I think so) have that in my photos, like from way way way back. Like, "flickr days" back. And now, it saddens me that I feel like my photos are turning too commercial. Like.. Blech. I still want to keep that look because it definitely looks cleaner, but the feeling.. It's the feeling that lacks. I guess I'm still on the look out for the perfect model whom I can work with so I could truly capture whatever's in my head.

And.. Yeah. Hooray for good friends. Really. And old friends who never forget you. I really appreciate that.

And people who still remember to apologize for something they did to you even if you yourself already forgot what happened. It feels great. It's like, receiving a present even if it's not Christmas, or your birthday. That person and I had this looong talk. He already had a couple of beers, but you know what they say, "drunken words are sober thoughts." HAHA well, now I don't know who to thank--the beer or him =))) But nevertheless, he did say that he's been meaning to apologize. And, he did admit that he was the one who made everything fall apart and shit soo.. Yeah. GLAD SOMEONE LIKE HIM IN THIS WORLD ACTUALLY EXISTS--someone who actually has the balls to admit that it was HIS fault.

And being called "beautiful".
And these little things.
All bunched up, wrapped with a gold ribbon.
Priceless.

Sometimes it's nice to look back and just think of all the good things instead of the bad ones, even if you've had it real bad for a while. Just for a moment there, at least you made yourself happy.

And yeah, if no one can be strong for you, you have to be strong for yourself. You don't always have to rely on other people for your happiness.

And that's what makes me sad sometimes. The fact that one person can make you happy and sad all at the same time, all because of one little thing.. And all because that person exists.

Hm.

Random thoughts end here.

Now. What?

Dear you,

I don't know much about you. And yet, we're into this all of a sudden. Hahaha! It is now proven; relationships can survive solely on technology. Though it fails because of it most of the time. Like, 99% of the time. Of course, people would still crave for the realness of the person. But really? Things can bloom from it? I find that.. Shallow and wrong.

I feel uncertain. And I feel like this is bad. Or am I just afraid of this "foreign" feeling? Because it's new?

Oh please, I don't even know anything about this.

I know you're a good person, and that the last thing you would do is hurt someone like me.

Well I'm not going to take this lightly =)))

Sincerely,
Are you fucking serious? Because I don't think I can be right now due to recent events and my youth. HAHAHA.

I'm Ready

Ready to...

let go of all the bullshit 2012 gave me.
learn new things.
experience new things.
make things happen and not just sit and wait.
help people.
help myself.
improve my craft.
love.
give.
share.
laugh more.
cry more.
hurt more.
discover things about life.
discover new things I can do.
learn how to actually use Photoshop.
meet new people.
say goodbye to insignificant people.
teach good things.
make more good habits.
kill bad habits.
step outside my comfort zone.
study more.
be more dedicated in everything I do.
be more passionate.
share the passion.
share the good vibes.
share more stories.
learn my limits.
be more open and be reserved at the same time.
at least try to be happy even if times get rough.

I don't want to make promises to myself anymore because I end up breaking them. So this time, I'll just go with the flow. I'll be happy with the people who make me feel happy. I'll try really hard not to let petty things get in the way. I'll try not to let people hurt me and take advantage of me.

I've been too nice this 2012. It's not that I'm going to be a bigger bitch that I naturally am next year, but I'll be stronger.

I swear, if I get the chance to have a tattoo (lol hopefully 2013 will allow me, or my mom haha), I want the saying "be strong" tattooed on my wrist. Or somewhere along my arm.

I've allowed myself to become weak and vulnerable, and it wasn't a really good experience for me. So I want a permanent reminder, that when times get hard, and I have to be strong for myself, I just have to remember what's written with permanent ink on my skin.

If not that, the verse "Mt 6:34" is really nice too. Since I'm such a paranoid/anxious little girl hahaha.

OH WELL. Random thoughts.

How about you guys? I see some people can't let go of 2012 just yet. Well, newsflash. It's just a number. January 1 isn't a special day. It's just what we call "tomorrow". Memories will remain, people will be the same, if not, changed, but that's all because of time and the things they've experienced. And most of all, we're all just a day older. Hahaha.

Don't be afraid. I'm a hypocrite right now, but fuck it. 2013 may bring more happiness, if you want happiness. It's all up to you.

And like I always say, you have a choice.

To the New Year:

I've spent most of my time thinking over the past year. That's because I had a lot of time to myself; spending nights just sitting inside my room with my yellow christmas lights on, enjoying the company of music and coffee. Earlier this year, it's been quiet.

Quiet, but, in my head, I, myself, couldn't figure out what was going on. Everything was just a blur to me, and yet they were clear. I understood everything, yet I failed to accept them. I tried to change what was happening, but I couldn't. I felt completely helpless and alone.


This year has been the most emotional one in my entire life. I mean, I haven't really experienced that much emotional turmoil as compared to someone else's life. I don't want to rub it in, but I still consider myself lucky. But you know, everyone has gone, or will go through some pretty rough shit in their lives. And let me tell you, it's hard. I don't want to say that it'll end here in 2012, but I just think that it has made its mark in my life. A pretty big, dark, black mark, to be specific.

I couldn't remember all the details because it was that painful for me. All I know is, it was scarring, frustrating, and frightening. I can't imagine myself going through that again. I literally felt like I was inside a box, kept in the cold and shadowed part of an isolated room.

People never really knew what was going on inside my head. Until now, actually. I never wanted to talk about it. Now, I can't explain it. I shut people out, I was on my own, and I didn't ask for help.

Well I'm not saying that I went crazy, but I'd have to admit, I sunk into depression. In my sister's words, I felt like my head was going to split into two. I couldn't sleep well, I didn't eat. I failed to take care of myself. Basically, I just.. (oh my god I can't believe I'm saying this out in the open) I hurt myself. And I still am, to be honest.

I felt like a lonely streetlight in the night at the corner of a dark street--taken for granted, unmaintained, and flickering. I used every bit of my fibre to try to emit the last of the light left in me.

When the time came that I realized that I have to TRY to make myself better, I started talking more. Just, words. Words helped me. Exposure to the world outside the four corners of my room helped me. I realized, I wasn't alone, and that someone else must be in deeper shit than me.

Blaming myself for everything wasn't right. At the end, I knew that I did nothing wrong. I have completely fooled myself into thinking that everything was my fault.

And that's what parents fail to do/don't even know. Dear PARENTS, FOLKS, WHATEVER, can I just ask a favor from all of you: Never ever show your kids that you guys are fighting like it's a fucking 3D movie. Never ever tell them upfront that infidelity is okay like it's the natural way of life. Never ever tell them NOT to get affected because EVERYTHING YOU GUYS DO WILL ALWAYS AFFECT US, your hopeless offspring, left to grow up with these emotional scars you gave us. I just wish ya'll blindfolded us and gave us thick-ass earmuffs before you screamed and beat each other up with hurtful words and fists. I mean, HELLOOO, we just wish that we're IMMUNE to all that shit.

Even though my parents haven't been in good terms since only God knows when, at a young age, I knew what was happening. Being silent about it kind of helped, but being face to face with the problem this year, AND BEING ALONE IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE was the cherry on top.. Well, that was just MIND BLOWING. I was like, WOW. COULD LIFE GET ANY WORSE THAN THIS HAHAHA.

Family problems will always be the #1 thing that will pull us down. It's where we grew up, it's supposed to be "home", but it's not. That being said, do you think life is still fair? No. It's sad. It's devastating. Everybody knows life isn't, and never will be fair to us poor humans. Haha. I mean, take Jesus for one. He was crucified. BAM. He was like "what the hell did I dooooo but okay, in order to save mankind, I will do this." Yes. JESUS.

When I felt a little better, that was the time I got to transfer to a different college. I felt "young, and wild and free." I know that for the past 3 months I totally felt in charge and responsible for all the fuck ups I've been doing to myself. I felt guilty, dirty, BUT I knew I was happier. Haha. Ironic, right?

Though I kind of.. No, wait. I abused my freedom; I now know the tactics in order to survive in such a liberal environment. It's like I went through a trial-and-error phase in my life, which I think I needed. More of like a process of elimination. I did the wrong things so I won't do them again and I totally went against my own unwritten principles.

You could say that I'm a "masochist". Haha. I would like first hand experience because I know that I'll appreciate the outcome even though I have to suffer the consequences of my actions. THERE.

And regarding "change", I did. I moved on. I now know how, at least a bit, how to deal with the bullshit in my life. I allow myself to get hurt, cry, sulk for a few days, and BAM, I instantly feel better. All I need is to talk and talk and talk about whatever's happening, and it's actually healthy for me.

The problem was, at first, I couldn't find the people whom I know will respect my personal thoughts, and people who will actually (at least) sympathize.

Luckily, I think I've found them. I'm still pretty scared though, knowing that I've developed trust and attachment issues. Ugh. That makes me hate myself haha.

I still have a few "left overs" from what has happened earlier this year, and I don't really know if I can let go of them, but.. I will try. And I will keep trying to look for the answers and keys to free myself from the ball and chain I'm dragging around with me as I go on with life.

I'm young and I have a lot to learn. I'm naive. But I can say that I've had a fair share of bad experiences. And like I said, I'm a masochist. So whatever life throws at me, BRING IT ON, BITCH. I want to see myself just step on them like unfinished cigarettes.

SO, 2013, whatever you have in store for me--success, failure, love, more rejection, pain, satisfaction, happiness, WHAT HAVE YOU. I will embrace everything. I will cherish life. I will live, to live, and not just to survive.

Anatomy I

Well this is something I wouldn't post on my page, but it's something I would want only a few to see. So if you read my blog, well, this is open for critiques/comments/whatever. Haha. If you even have to say anything.

Uhhh, it's awkward. They do have a bit of a sensual touch, but that's because.. I don't really know why.  But I just want to say, this is purely for art's sake. I just want to explore the human body. Sooo as usual, I will start with myself until I build more confidence. Hahaha. #thingsIdoforphotography

** click on the photos for a better view.

12:58 am

Just because that's the time I started writing this.

Most of my friends' tweets and statuses were about people who have betrayed their trust. Some of them were about being completely sad, or them not feeling the Christmas spirit at all. I can totally relate to the last one because I, myself, have tweeted something like that haha.

One of my friends even told me he was drunk. At 4:30 in the afternoon. Just because he wanted to feel happy.

I won't say things like, "what the fuck is happening to the world today?" Saying that would make me a hypocrite because I sometimes seek refuge in alcohol and smoking. Oh, vices. They're bitches. HAHA. And yes, I can say that I smoke because my whole family knows already. Which is sad because I didn't want them to know that I turn to smoking to release stress sometimes. And I know that's a totally shallow reason. Aside from the fact that the vision of smoke amuses me, and how it makes unique and intricate lines and swirls as it disperses into thin air, well, yeah. It became an outlet.

SO OKAY back to the topic.

People these days, well, people from my generation are pretty smart (well, most of us haha). We just seem stupid and foolish because we always choose to do the wrong things because we want the easy way out. It's sad.

BUT, I totally get the feeling. I just hope we can learn from whatever we're going through right now.

Come on, we know we're stronger than this. We all know we're better than this. We can do much much better.

And, regarding trust, it's easily broken. It may be mended, but it won't be as perfect and as innocent as it was when you first gave it away. Some people just make you feel like they deserve it but they end up throwing it away. And you're left there, just wondering WHYYYY. WHY DID I EASILY GIVE IT AWAY. Lol it's something like virginity, but that's a different story.

Well, those are just random thoughts during ungodly hours. HAHA not really, because my night's just starting. Loljk I've been sleeping at around 4am for like, 3 consecutive days already and I have no idea why. Most of the time I just listen to music and I don't notice the time.

You probably won't give a fuck about what I write past this point.

SO I've been really into indie stuff these days. And electronic, house, and trance. Ah. It's only now that I found music that suits my taste, thanks to one of my good friends.

I still love R&B and occasional hip hop though, but the stuff I mentioned above is still home for me <3

Music. Oh, music. It makes the world go 'round. It makes people fall in love. It connects people. It's amazing. It's like magic.

I will shut up now. Kbye.

Heartless

And there you are, happy again. Not confused, not unstable, not bothered by anything--just perfectly content with being the way you are.

Here I am; my eyes have been opened to how cruel people can truly be. To how they can manage to be incredibly insensitive to other people's feelings.

Thank you, I say.

People might've warned me about you over and over, since the beginning. But I was foolish and brave enough to just go ahead and not listen.

The thought of not having to experience what they call "pain" is sort of pointless. How can I learn?

Thank you, I say.

"I thought.."
"But.."
"What if.."

These sentences may be left unfinished. No periods, no last chapters, no ends. But then again, it's better that things turned out this way because I'm tired. I have no means to go on and hope. You didn't give me meaning. You simply.. Threw me away. I was just an experiment. A compensation, even. A simple "hi."

Time--our number one enemy, our best friend.
The lingering pain of reminiscing.
The moment of realization.
The feeling of moving forward, and forward, and forward.

Thank you, I say.

You were heartless.

But, thank you, I say to you.

Change

It's inevitable, unpredictable, and downright annoying. But let's face it. It's part of life. People change, the weather, time, everything, actually. It's something that we can live with, and sometimes take for granted, but at the same time, we don't like it.

Humans are designed to adapt to change. So why are we so scared? Can't we just accept things the way they are? More like, accept and complain about it. Yeah, that's what we do best.

Can't we think of it as an "addition" instead of a "replacement"?

Let's take autumn for example. The leaves change color. After that, it turns green again. It's merely physical change, but does the whole tree change? It doesn't. It just adds beauty to the whole tree.

Lol that was actually a stupid example. FINE. PEOPLE. PEOPLE FUCKING CHANGE. That's what I really mean. I just learned how to deal with all the bullshit in my life. I learned to move on, and I got used to the fact that my family's fucked up. I love them (except for my dad haha) but yes, we're fucked up. We ain't normal.

Define normal?
A. Parents are together, you and your siblings are happy, and you guys go out and eat dinner together. And you guys have family reunions and both sides of the family are in good terms with each other.
B. Parents are separated, but one of them still keeps in touch and supports you guys, and the rest of your family's happy and you guys still get to eat dinner together.

And aside from my family, I just learned how to roll on with life. I'm in a completely new environment, I'm sort of on my own out here, but surprisingly, I know my limits and I don't abuse my freedom (at least I think so).

I grew up. A bit. I still have that "bunso" mentality deep inside me, but yeah. I grew up. I learned that life won't always be good to me, but at the end of the day, I know that there might be a 10% chance that I won't get to see the sun rise again. So I just try to forego all the shitty-ness, and I live on.

And if I do get another day to live, I do the same thing. Live and learn.

LIVE AND LEARN, PEOPLE. LIVE AND LEARN.

It's just that, why fuss over change. Fine, some people change, some people don't. AND LIKE I SAID, maybe it's not "change". Maybe it's just an "addition".

I admit. I did change. I felt it. My old friends noticed it.

Well you guys, I'm still me. I'm still the Junessa you know. My treatment towards you guys won't change. You guys are still my bestestststt friends and you still have my trust and loyalty. You know I love you guys D: What I'm not sure of now is, do I still have yours?

Please don't be scared. It makes me anxious. Haha. I feel as if the person I'm supposedly becoming is bad, and I feel as if I'm drifting away.

We all will eventually drift apart from each other. But that doesn't mean I will love you guys less. Life will take us to different places, with different people, with different personalities. Remember what I said? Humans are designed to adapt to certain situations. If we don't adapt, we can't live. We will remain stagnant.

This is how I live over here. Whatever I changed into (tangina parang nagiging ibang anyo ako or what haha), that's how I survive here.

Changing is living. Living means changing. And that's that.